poople

Platooner '23: Week 7 Poetry Recap

Wed, 25 Oct 2023 22:26:06 GMT

Whos is Flushing the Toilet

Flush Factory is trying their hardest

D’Onta Foreman made a delicious something from the side line

The Rams Defense is not shining like Star Dust

Josh Allen and Kate Bishop are doing just fine

But the NFL media has eyes set on another duo

Who is Aaron Jones? More like who won’t score?

Cooper Kupp is still wearing weighted Puka shells

And yeah Matthew Stafford might be a bore

Kirk and Andrews remind me of Kirk and Spock fighting alien cells

Ultimately, a Big Brown thing came to the clog that Flushing Factory

Poem: Original
Who is Aarons Jones (Tosa Nehikuere) 106.74

Flush Factory United (Kenny Turner) 103.4

Good Evening Ma'Lady and Ba'Gents

While there was no mustard today, Addison certainly came to play.

CMC’s team lost today but he was not the Culporit.

Mike, Hock, (and Drop It) certainly partied in the TD today

Olave so frustrated with his teams loss decided he wanted to be the culprit

Devonta smith with his 6.9 shinning so bright

Jakobi Meyers might prove himself as Mac’s new afternoon delight

Geno Smith is a friend of that old Running back?

Tua loves flying to his native island, as long as there are no Eagles

Starting two Arthur smith backs? Hitting that Falcon Pack

Rachaad White dreaming of running past more peoples

Tony Pollard and his Tank took a November Snooze

With Watson starting as his flex, Mack is sure to looze

Poem: Original
Can you fields the Love Tonight (Stephen Clines) 107.76

The Fantasy Football Team (Mack Magner) 91.24

Stopping by AJ Brown on a Winter Evening

Whose win this is I think I know.

His RB survived the Jacksonville hellhole;

You will not see Brown stopping short of goal

To watch his Barkley yards by hitting the hole.

My little Purdy must think it queer

To stop without a Pickens near

Between the Waller and frozen Ridley

The coldest win of the year.

Puka gives his harness shells a shake

To ask if there is some mistake.

The only other players trying today

Are easy Love and a Dolphins D and downy Diggs.

The Wins are lovely, dark and deep,

But Mithcell has promises to keep,

And Wemby wins to go before he sleeps,

And Forey loses to go before he sleeps.

Poem: Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

Win-Ter is Coming (Mitchell Cantway) 111.88

4A not 4E (Andrew FA) 94.5

The Plan Still Rises

You may write Gibbs down in history

With your bitter, twisted Post Draft Grade lies,

You may trod Sutton in the very dirt

But still, like dust, they'll rise.

Does my Palmer upset you?

Why are you beset with losses?

’Cause I walk like I've got Howell’s legs

Pumping in my bedroom.

Just like Williams and like Williams,

With the certainty of Burrow,

Just like cigar smoke springing high,

Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see Lamar Jackson broken?

33 Points yet lowered eyes?

Josh Jacobs falling down like teardrops,

Weakened by my Frosty Flight?

Does my Cole Kmet offend you?

Don't you take it awful hard

’Cause I laugh like I've got goose eggs

Hatching in your backyard.

You may shoot me with your Freeman words,

You may cut me with your Allen eyes,

You may kill me with your St. Brown piety,

But still, like air, I’ll rise.

Does my Kyren Williams injury upset you?

Does it come as a surprise

That I make waiver pickups like I've got diamonds

At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of first 6 weeks shame

I rise

Up from a past that’s rooted in bad beats

I rise

I'm a head attorney, leaping and wide,

Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind lots of motherfricking snakes on my motherfricking planes,

I rise

Into a scoreboard that’s wondrously clear

I beat Coby Evers

I rise

I rise.

Poem: Still I Rise BY MAYA ANGELOU

Frosty Flights FC (Hunter Tormey) 106.06

Cobra FC (Coby Evers) 87.88

Muddy Waters Hurt Itself in its Confusion

(Keaton clears his throat and grabs the mic)

Mahomes and Kelce are the very best

Like no one ever was

Kamara is my real threat

Victory is my cause

I will travel across Texas

Winning far and wide

Teach losers to understand

The power that's inside

Master Balls!

Gotta beat them all (It's me and me)

I know its my destiny

Master

Oh, Sam’s my best friend

In a world where we trade Kelce

Ballers!

Gotta stack 'em all (Chiefs Offense so true)

Jerome Ford will pull us through

I teach you and I'll teach you

Master Balls

Gotta catch 'em all

Yeah (hand microphone to Sam)

Every Muddy Water along the bay

With courage I start Goff

I will cry every day

To claim my rightful place

Last place seems so right

There's many better teams

Arm in arm we'll lost the fight

It's always been our dream

Drink, Run, and Eat 30 Miles

Gotta do 30 of 'em all (It's beer and donuts)

I know its my destiny

Triathlon

Oh, Aiyuk my best friend

In a world we must place last

Master Ballers

Please beat 'em all (A heart so true)

Our trading will pull us through

You teach me and I'll teach you

Master Ballers

Gotta win 'em all

Balls!

Poem: Gotta Catch’Em All by Jason Paige

Master Ballers (Keaton Adcock) 156.06

Galveston Bay Muddy Waters (Samuel Dunegan) 77.46

"I'm a Believer"

(Matt grabs the mic)

I thought Wins were only true in fairy tales

Meant for someone good but not for me.

The league was out to get me

That's the way it seemed.

Last year’s victory was in all my dreams.

Then I Drafted Tyreek, now I'm a believer

Not a trace of doubt in my mind.

I'm a 2 time, possibly a third time league winner!

I couldn't lose this if I tried.

I thought Tayson Hill was more or less a losing guy,

Seems the Mattison. the less I got.

What's the use in Herbet'?

All you get is pain.

When I needed Stevenonson, I got points .

(Jake chimes back)

Then I saw Najee, now I'm a Mclaughing

Not a trace of wins in my mind.

I'm in 9th, I'm a loser!

I couldn't win if I tried.

49ers defense was out to get me

Now, that's the way it is

Disappointment from losing this very winnable game by literally starting another other defense

haunted all my dreams

Oh, then I saw waivers, now I'm a picker

Not a trace of Keeping this lineup in my mind.

JJ’s injured, Conner too!

I couldn't drop them if I tried.

Yes, I got Henderson, now I'm a go bench him

And not a trace of succes in my mind.

Said I'm a losser

I'm a bad GM

(Matt grabs the Mic)

I'm a Winner

Said I'm a didn’t deserve this (great grace but God is rich in Mercy)

So I'm a believer

I said I'm a believer

I'm a believer

Song: I’m a Believer - The Monkees

Heaven’s Heroes (Matthew Stone) 80.36

Kings Landing United (Jake Sawyer) 76.96

Platooner '23: Week 6 Recap

Wed, 18 Oct 2023 14:02:29 GMT

Aaron Jones Is Who? Cantway and Win-ter is coming freeze a strong team in their tracks.

In a week of some close matchups, this one between Mitchell Cantway and Tosa Nehikhuere’s teams would be no different.

Last week, Mitchell Cantway, made a bold statement that he was here to put the Pigskin Premier League ‘on notice’ and he did just that by handing Who is Aaron Jones just their second loss of the season in a 5 point win.

Win-ter is coming was able to overcome some poor early game performances from stars like QB Brock Purdy (7.7) and Calvin Ridley (4.6) with a couple of juggernaut performances to propel them to victory. Most notably, Raheem Mostert shone in a big way (32.7) with fellow RB Devon Achane on the IR alongside fellow RB Travis Etienne Jr. (21.8) who continued his impressive 2023 season. As mentioned last week, there aren’t many holes when you look up and down this team and with the likes of Saquon Barkley and George Pickens waiting in the wind do not be fooled by this teams 3-3 record. Get your gloves, hats and jackets ready if you’ve got a matchup on the horizon with Mitch Cantway because it’s gunna be COLD.

Manager Mitchell Cantway seemed more interested in sharing his dinner plans with the Platooner, which we are led to believe will include Chef Boyardee but he did offer this comment via .gif, “We Ball.” And ball his team did.

On the other side of this one, Who is Aaron Jones took a tough loss but there isn’t much to be upset about in this one putting up 107 but just coming up a bit short.

For the second week in a row, Cooper Kupp is putting defenses on NOTICE with 24.3 pts in this one and if you’re a manager with this man on your team you’ve got to be feeling good about your chances. In a surprise move, Tosa looked to the recently waived Patriots D/ST to fill in for the Jets and that turned out to be an odd move as the Patriots put Davante Adams in a tiny little box, locked it and through away the key all on the way to only posting 2 pts. Besides that, it was genuinely a good week for the team constantly questioning who a Packers RB is and their manager seemed to agree.

Tosa commented saying ‘Ya know, we can’t win em all. Our team is shorthanded so we’re making lemonade out of lemons. We’ll lick our wounds and regroup next week.”

Who is Aaron Jones will look to do just that with a favorable matchup against Flush Factory United next week while Cantway and Win-ter is coming looks to continue his “notice tour” against 4A-NOT-4E.

Flying into First: Kings of the Jungle ground Frosty Flights

In what was a surprisingly close matchup, Frosty Flights was unable to pull off the upset as manager Hunter Tormey continues to struggle to get his icy planes out of the hangar.

This reporter feels for manager Hunter Tormey but as the saying goes, there’s no such thing as morale victories in this sport we all love.

After a bounce back week, Joe Burrow was once again stifled despite the Bengals taking a win by a strong Seahawks defense. If Frosty Flights is going to turn this season around it has to start with the club captain and teammate Tee Higgins who posted a paltry 3 points. Kyren Williams continues a strong 2023 campaign and you have to wonder if he’s pointing fingers in the locker room after the lost given he was the highest scorer by 8 points. What will really haunt Tormey as he looks over the game film this week is leaving sophomore Drake London on the bench (17) in lieu of Joshua Palmer (8) who failed to propel the team to victory on Monday Night.

Luckily for FFFC, Jahmyr Gibbs appears to be scheduled to finally get let out of his cage as he’s expected to return from injury while David Montgomery could be headed to the IR and it will be interesting to see how he helps this team moving forward.

Editor in Chief of the Platooner, Hunter Tormey, had a lot of thoughts to offer in response to the loss. “Devastating loss honestly. While I’m pleased to expose Stephen as a Mattress Mack level fraud, I’m afraid losing 75 players to injury might be too much for my club to overcome on a weekly basis. If it’s true that Joe Burrow got engaged shortly before the season, my advice would be to break it off immediately. Turns out a single proposal turned this man into prime Deshone Kizer. And you might think I’d be happy with Drake London’s performance this week, not so. That dopey jump ball merchant decides to break out the one time I don’t play him. Thank God I beat Kenny that one week, that’s all I’ll say.”

Narrowly avoiding the upset, Can you Fields the love tonight takes sole ownership of 1st place as they improve to 5-1 on the season. Although starting QB and namesake, Justin Fields, went down with an injury the rest of the Pride was able to do enough to get the win. An early week performance from the Chiefs D/ST (16) and a cap to the week on Monday from Tony Pollard (14) were what pushed them over the edge to escape a brutal upset.

On that very near upset Clines has this to say, “I was really sweating this one and I know going forward I won’t always be so lucky to play teams so incompetent. This week I’m looking to be down a QB and 4 players have decided it’s time to rest for a week and take this thing called a “bye.” This means I will be starting Tyler Allegier which is not a recipe for winning. With my record I should be fine but hopefully I’m not saying “bye” to the playoffs.”

Some strong words for Tormey’s team that this publication does not condone but he said what he said.

Clines and his Pride will look to stay atop the PPL in a matchup against The Fantasy Football Team who have won 3 straight while Frosty Flights FC draws a tough one against 2nd place Cobra FC.

Sabbath Taken and Rested – Heaven’s Heroes visit Earth to Smack Down 4A-NOT-4E

Rest and relaxation did the heroes and QB, Justin Herbert, well as they went on the road this week and laid a beatdown on 4A-NOT-4E not seen since Saul kicked the Philistines out of Israel.

Sticking with his lineup despite taking responsibility for not getting enough deals done recently, Stone and his Heroes laid waste to their opponents with some big performances. Tyreek Hill continues to lead this team and delivery consistent huge performances (25.3) alongside a great effort from Herbert (18.6) and Brett Maher (15) raising these boys up and getting them back in the win column. Most notable, Rhamondre Stevenson turned in his 1st great performance of the year for Stone and if that trend continues this could be a scary team.

When asked about the victory, manager Matthew Ryan Stone had a forward looking view, “We’ve still got problems in this lineup but the team is working hard behind the leadership of Tyreek. He’s the type of player who lifts not just his position group, but the whole team. I’m excited to see how the front office makes this team better around him.”

Maybe more to come from Heaven’s Heroes? We’ll be the first to let you know!

Meanwhile, 4A-NOT-4E failed to put together a complete effort down their roster behind some stellar performances to fall short.

Manager Andrew Forey was quoted last week saying some around the league might think he got lucky with big games from Kittle and DJ Moore but that those types of performances would “be the norm from here on out” and boy was he wrong.

With Deebo Samuel going out with a shoulder injury, it’s hard not to point fingers directly at George Kittle (0.6) and DJ Moore (7.6) who had terrible games leaving the team with more questions after strong performances from Derrick Henry (18.3), D’Andre Swift (13.8) and Stefon Diggs (15). Kirk Cousins should also catch some of the blame as he couldn’t do much against a weak Bears team failing to crack double digits for the second time this season.

Assuming some of the strong players continue to perform as they have been it appears this team will be heavily reliant on Booms & Busts from Cousins, Kittle and DJ Moore. When those guys boom, LOOK OUT because this team will put up huge point totals. But, when they bust, mark it in the win column for their opponents.

Forey seemed sad in his comments and was quick to call his players out, “Pretty disappointed in my guys. I think we partied too hard after our best win last week. Derrick Henry went from my lowest scorer last week to my highest scorer this week. Everyone besides him needs to be professional and step up.”

Things won’t get any easier for Andrew Forey and his namesake team as they are next up to be put on notice by Win-ter is coming while Heaven’s Heroes and Stone will ascend back home and welcome in King’s Landing United looking to halt a downward spiral.

Sludge BOMB: CF Arboc poison the Master Ballers

Some would leave you to believe that a Master Ball never fails at catching a Pokémon and while that may be true it doesn’t seem to have the same effect on fantasy football wins as Keaton Adcock and his team suffer their second straight loss.

In what will go down as a loss, it really wasn’t a terrible week for Adcock and his lineup. Nobody necessarily stood out in a big way besides Taylor Swift’s Boyfriend (16.9) but almost everyone turned in a decent game. Mahomes, Kamara, Ford, Wilson and McLaurin all managed to get into double digits for the Master Ballers but with a tough matchup Adcock needed near perfection. Unfortunately, Jake Elliot was less than perfect as the Eagles fell to the Jets for the first time in NFL history.

Keaton was quick to compliment his opponent confessing, “The Cobras struck hard this week at the expense of another L for our team. With BYE weeks starting to hit even harder we are going to hit a Pokemon Center and get the whole team back to full health. We are going for two Vs for victory these next two weeks and going to trade them in together for a VV dub after that.”

Meanwhile, Evers unleashed a fury of Ekans and Arbok’s all over the Master Ballers on his way to posting the highest point total in the PPL for Week 6. This team is on fire and it would seem that Evers’ draft strategy to go heavy receiver in the first few rounds is paying off for him. St-Brown was back in action this weekend (24.2) alongside fellow position players Keenan Allen (18) and CeeDee Lamb (15.2). Now, we knew CeeDee and Amon-Ra we’re going to be studs but what makes this team so good right now is the play of Old-Man Keenan who has stayed healthy for the first time in his career and is averaging 20.7 points per game this season.

Evers exuded confidence in his response to the Platooner, “To echo my comments from last week, I’m not surprised. My guys are winners and that’s what we’re going to continue to do. I know we’re beat up this next week but we’ll find a way. Cobra FC is here to stay.”

Now, there may be some trouble on the horizon as Cole Kmet’s production is certain to dip with the likelihood of Justin Fields missing time and maybe an even bigger blow is a rib cartilage injury to Lions RB David Montgomery. Without much depth at the RB position, will Evers’ draft strategy come back to bite him in the ass? We will see.

Next week, Evers will look to keep the train rolling against a faltering Frosty Flights FC while Adcock and the Ballers have Galveston Bay Muddy Waters rolling into town for a fun matchup.

Battle of Galveston Bay: Muddy Waters drown King’s Landing in Murky Water

Unlike the battle of Blackwater Bay, King’s Landing was without the heroics of Tyrian Lannister and were sunk at the hand of Sir Samuel Dunegan and his Muddy Waters.

Sir Dunegan sailed his ships right up to the doorstep of King’s Landing and pooped all over Jake Sawyer much to the delight of the rest of the league. Color this reporter shocked but Dak Prescott turned in one of the best fantasy performances of the week (24.9) and was a big part of the reason Muddy Waters was able to get the victory. Alongside Prescott, Breece Hall continued to look like he’s going to keep up some steady numbers (17.8) and Michael Pittman Jr. (15.4) managed a good week despite Gardner Minshew throwing the ball to the Jaguars defense about as much as his own team.

Sir Dunegan went for the jugular in his comments saying, “I respect Jake’s players. I just don’t respect anyone who claims to have a team of destiny two weeks into the year. But hey, jobs not close to being done of surviving the relaxation battle. My team still needs to improve and work hard.”

Well, things have gone from bad to worse in King’s Landing for manager Jake Sawyer and his team. Although, taking a look at the lineup it wasn’t a terrible week for Sawyer’s team there just weren’t any big scores to coincide with decent performances from the rest of the team. Most notably, Jalen Hurts (19.9) had a respectable game despite falling to the Jets for the first time in franchise history but King’s Landing has come to expect more from the QB averaging 21.5 ppg. Kyle Pitts finally did something relevant (12.8) and surpassed his usual mediocre average, but, again there just wasn’t one big performance to push this team over the edge as they were forced to start DJ Chark Jr in the flex and, well, that is tough.

With Justin Jefferson and James Connor sidelined for the foreseeable future, someone else is going to have to step up for this team. And if not, I think it’s safe to say the PPL appreciates the free wins Sawyer is doling out right now.

Mr. Sawyer seems ready to shake things up, “That’s 3 losses in a row and honestly as a manager I’m put into a very difficult situation. Over the next few weeks we’re going to need to play the market and waivers very, and I mean VERY strategically. Gotta say I’m just very disappointed and nervous over the next few weeks. We’ll need to pull out 1 or 2 dubs but that’ll be challenging. Grats to Sam on a lucky win.”

King’s Landing United will vacate the capital for a dangerous trip up to Heaven where they likely will not be welcomed by Heaven’s Heroes and Matt Stone while Sam Dunegan and his Muddy Waters squad look to hand Master Ballers their third straight loss.

Ballcock Broken: Flush Factory United is the latest victim of The Fantasy Football Team

Kenny Turney and Flush Factory United fail to get their tank in order and are left trying to flush an empty toilet as they fall to 1-5.

Similar to some other matchups, this was another close won that saw two managers in need of wins fighting hard to get one. Adam Thielen continues to deny father time his due (23) posting another huge game even though the Panthers are actually horrendous and Kenneth Walker III (16.4) looks to be a sure thing as he turned in another good week. Josh Allen looks to still be a bit uncomfortable with his new team as he failed to put up big numbers again this week and Turner will need his QB to be better if he hopes to turn things around from 1-5.

When asked to comment, Turner had this to say, “There are few thinks you can count on in life – death, taxes, me losing my fantasy matchup each week and me playing the wrong Colts RB. I have started my training for the punishment that feels inevitable at this point. As for the team, they either really want to see my suffer, or they truly want to score just enough to give me hope. I expect a big game coming from Dicker next week to make up for crushing my hopes and dreams this week.”

Well, this reporter did some math, and even if Turner had started Zack Moss over Jonathan Taylor as he mentioned in his comments to the Platooner he actually would have suffered a 0.02 point loss and let me tell you that may have been the more difficult loss to recover from. (AJ)

Meanwhile, rookie manager MacKenzie J. Magner has fans of his team wondering is this real? Or is this just The Fantasy Football Team ripping off their 3rd win in a row to get back to .500? Well, it’s both.

Things looked scary as Christian McCaffery, The Fantasy Football Team’s best player, went out with an injury after a quick start. However, the team recovered with a tremendous performance from Tua Tugavodjsapsi (22.48) and respectable showings from the starting WR group as Chris Olave (13.1) and Jaylen Waddle (14.6) resulting in a third straight victory.

What has haunted Magner all season almost came back to bite him in the ass as he left Jakobi Meyers and his 14.6 points in a revenge game on the bench for Gabe Davis who, while solid, failed to put up his regular numbers. Luckily the team did enough to hide that managerial mistake.

Magner commented on that very topic stating, “One of these days I’ll get the most optimal lineup in there. It might not be anytime soon, but eventually I’ll have to get lucky right? Either way we’re happy about a 3rd straight victory and we’re turning things around looking to make some waves.”

Looking ahead to next week The Fantasy Football Team will look to make it 4 straight but draws a tough matchup against 1st place Can you Fields the love tonight while Turner and the Flush Factory take on Who is Aaron Jones.

Editor’s Note: To all the faithful readers, we thank you. Without you, the Platooner would not be possible.

Platooner '23: Week 5 Recap

Wed, 11 Oct 2023 14:57:29 GMT

Can Way? Mitchell Improves to 2-3 as the toilet bowl is looking cloudy for Flush Factory FC

In one of the higher scoring matchups of the week, manager Mitchell Cantway’s team balled out from sun up to sun down on Sunday dismantling a Flush Factory team despite a promising effort from the toilet dwellers.

You have to wonder if FFU manager Kenny Turner got in his own head this weekend with the return of Jonathan Taylor and his freshly inked contract leaving 32.5 points from Colts standout Zack Moss on the bench. Furthermore, it was a breakout game for newly acquired TE Dallas Goedert with 21.7 points but while Mr. Goedert tore up the field in LA he was riding the pine for Flush Factory who opted for a different Dallas TE that was held to a measly 4.3 points. Though there is some positives to be taken away from this performance as Ja’Marr Chase continues his return to form alongside fellow receiver Adam Thielen who appears to be a reliable target for young Bryce Young on a floundering Panthers team.

Turner did show immense maturity when taking responsibility for this weekend and complimenting his opponent, “Definitely a tough loss for the boys. Rough managerial decisions on our side, but I really have to hand it to the opposition as they played out of their minds.”

Speaking of that opposition, newly minted ‘Win-ter is coming’ was HOT out of the gate with two stand our performances across the pond from the Frenchman Travis Etienne Jr (34.3 pts) and Calvin Ridley (17.1 pts). That trend continued throughout the day finishing off with a huge performance from young QB Brock Purdy who dismantled one of the best defenses in the league to the tune of 26.08 pts – is he the next Tom Brady? People are asking.

Despite a 2-3 record, manager Cantway had some positive things to say “Last week was a low point. My team bottled a strong start, in an attempt to ease my suffering, I attempted to cook up some dastardly trades.” While this reporter cannot, in writing, divulge some of Mr. Cantway’s comments it would seem as though he left it all on the table to acquire some new talent but “sensed a change in the winds” as the weekend approached. “I realized my team is actually goated. Cracked, even. My team revealed their true nature this week and when SaQuad returns, I will go on a run the likes of which this league has not seen since Hunter smoked Jake in a 40yd dash at Matt’s bachelor party.”

Well, this reporter is inclined to agree taking a look at the Win-ter is coming lineup it’s hard to see many gaps in talent.

Cantway will look to continue to ‘put the league on notice’ next week in a big way as he takes on 1st Place Who is Aaron Jones while Flush Factory and Turner look to slow down The Fantasy Football Team who have posted back to back wins.

An Uprising in the Capital: Cobra FC invades King’s Landing in TIGHT Matchup

Now, if this were anyone else, you might feel bad that Josh Jacobs decided to be good at football again and post 17.4 points in last night’s football to secure a win for Cobra FC. But it’s Jake, so don’t feel bad.

Both of these teams suffered from the injury bug somewhat this weekend but it was the injury snake apparently that really got to King’s Landing United as their players are dropping faster than the Stark family.

Cobra FC manager, Coby Evers turned to Alix Earle, ahem, Braxton Berrios to fill in for injured Amon-Ra St. Brown and multiple WRs on bye this week to no avail but it was the stellar play of RBs David Montgomery and Josh Jacobs that squeaked out victory for him alongside another formidable game for Cole Kmet. You have to be feeling encouraged if you’re Cobra FC taking down a tight win without the likes of Amon-Ra, Keenan Allen or Chris Godwin in your lineup.

Mr. Evers was extremely long winded in his response to the Platooner’s request for comment stating, “I am not surprised at all my team’s win (yes we think he forgot a word here). Championship teams win even in their worst weeks and that’s what my guys just did. We found a way. A win is a win. We welcome our new player Jacobs with open arms and he won it for his new teammates.”

Cobra FC Manager had a lot more to say but we were running out of space so we’ll just leave you with his closing remark that, “Cobra FC is here to stay.”

Turning our sights to the capital city of Westeros, things are looking grim. Manager Jake Sawyer must be kicking himself after not starting a 49ers D/ST going up against Dak “I won’t throw 10 INTs this year” Prescott who wept at the sight of a Colts defense getting the start over them in a 1.22 point loss as their 18 pts fell flat on the bench.

Perhaps more concerning is the loss of 1st overall pick, Justin Jefferson, who is headed to the IR for the Minnesota Vikings and set to miss at least 4 weeks of action. Additionally, sources say James Conner is set to miss some time as well which puts Sawyer in a tight spot although King’s Landing has seen some encouraging play from newly signed Jaleel McLaughlin in Denver and perhaps he can start to carry some of the load for the team.

When asked about the loss the manager had this to say, “Pretty gut wrenching. Lost 2 of my starters including JJ for several weeks. It was fun while it lasted boys. No further comment.”

Well, it would appear leadership in King’s Landing is equally pessimistic about their chances moving forward but they’ll look to work some magic in Week 6 against last place Galveston Bay Muddy Waters.

Cobra FC and Evers will do battle a team desperately needing to get back in the win column, Master Ballers.

Crash Landing: Frosty Flights experiences engine failure against The Fantasy Football Team

A rough go of it this weekend for manager Hunter Tormey and players are starting to wonder if his side gig is pulling too much attention away from his responsibility to Frosty Flights FC. Of course, Tormey can only be dealt so much of the blame when only one starting player cracks double digits for the weekend. Dismal performances across the board kept Tormey out of contention this week while injuries plagued the lineup with Gibbs and Higgins both sidelined and Anthony Richardson suffering his second injury of the season.

Standout Kyren Williams even failed to post his usual numbers getting almost 10 points below his weekly average and in a surprise move Club Captain, Joey Burrrrrrrow was benched due to some lackluster performances but gives Tormey some hope moving forward that he will return to his true form and lead this team once again.

Manager Hunter Tormey was quick to praise himself and call out fellow league managers, “Honest to God my team might be cursed. Despite a flurry of genius moves and 1,000 IQ trades I was once again foiled by injuries and disappointing play this week. Luckily though, the Cowboys play the Chargers this week and Matt and Coby are huge Cowboy fans. If they were real, they’d give me Justin Herbert and Keenan Allen so I can start them and guarantee they’ll suffer horrible injuries, all but sealing the win for the Boys. My inbox is open! But honestly, if I can’t turn thinks around soon I’m fackin finished lads.”

Meanwhile, visitors ‘The Fantasy Football Team’ put on a respectable performance as they collect their second win in a row to improve to 2-3 on the season.

Finally clicking as a team and not relying on individual performances The Fantasy Football Team was able to recover from yet another underwhelming Miles Sanders performance (1.2 pts) with standout games from Jaylen Waddle (12 pts), Gabe Davis (19 pts) and the talented young TE in Detroit, Sam Laporta (18.2 pts).

Yet again, however, the rookie manager left some big points on the bench primarily in the form of Jakobi Meyers and will need to tighten up his managerial decisions moving forward if this team hopes to keep it’s winning streak alive.

When asked about this weekend Magner continued to show compassion for his opponents as he’s done in the past, “Listen, we won and that’s great. But, here, on The Fantasy Football Team we don’t gloat, we don’t rub it in people’s faces and we don’t put people down. So, our hearts go out this week to Hunter and Frosty Flights. We’re praying for a speedy recovery for his guys and look forward to seeing them return to form.”

The Fantasy Football Team looks to make it 3 in a row this weekend against Flush Factory United while Tormey and Frosty Flights FC travels into the jungle to face off against Can You Fields the Love Tonight?

Unbeatable? Aaron Jones visits Heaven, Dismantles Their Heroes & Comes Away with Victory

Who is Aaron Jones is on an absolute tear as they improve to 4-1 and sit atop the Pigskin Premier League standings five weeks into the young season.

Despite not realizing their namesake would be out for Monday Night Football, manager Tosa Nehikhuere rode the wave of some big performances to dismantle Heaven’s Heroes and Matthew Ryan Stone. With Deshaun Watson on bye, they turned to Jared Goff in an impressive move as he garnered 27.44 points as he tore up a pitiful Panthers defense coupled with a solid Jets D/ST performance and the long awaited return of Cooper Kupp all of which propelled Who is Aaron Jones to victory. You had to wonder a little if a manager who sat Davante Adams (averaging 18.3 pts/week) would pull out a win but this man obviously knew what he was doing.

Tosa was short in his comments this week stating, “Great win for the squad while still underhanded. Good to have Coop back, we’re gunna get him comfortable and keep rolling. More wins on the way.”

On the other side of the scoreboard, The Lord’s Heroes were unable to defend their home turf as they leased out Heaven for a week to Who is Aaron Jones in what can only be seen as a gracious and humble move.

Heaven’s Heroes were without Hero Herbert this week as he spent Week 5 taking a Sabbath and unfortunately Zach Wilson could not replace the heroics Herbert typically brings to this team. Tyreek Hill continues to impress and seem like one of the biggest brain moves of this year’s draft when Stone took him at 3rd overall to many manager’s surprise. Besides Hill, Brown (14.1 pts) and Mattison (11.6 pts) turned in respectable performances tying to push this team to victory but it was more a story of the poor performances from the Cowboys D/ST, Hunter Henry and King Rhamondre that pulled Heaven’s Heroes down this week.

People are saying Mac Jones is ‘not the guy’ and it’s a dangerous time to have Patriots players in your fantasy lineup right now.

Manager Matt Stone compared this week’s performance to another team that resides in Texas, “Much like the Texas Longhorns, we played a good opponent and our defense underperformed. While there were plenty of reasons why we did ot play as well as we could’ve, I’ll point the finger at myself first. The front office couldn’t get the necessary deals done, try as they may.”

This reporter, for one, respects the humble approach from this manager epitomizing the attitude of a team with the name Heaven’s Heroes.

The Heroes will look to right the ship next week against 4A-NOT-4E while Who is Aaron Jones aims to avoid “being put on notice” by Win-ter is coming.

Can’t Catch Em All: Master Ballers fails to capture the King of the Jungle

Coming off a tough loss, Master Ballers once again fell short this week losing by single digits for the second week in a row and that HAS to mess with a team’s psyche.

On that very topic manager Keaton Adcock commented, “We made some moves and knew we were giving up some talent and depth to try and raise our teams ceiling. Now more than ever, we need our key players to step up and perform. There may yet still be some shifts, but we are going to use some revives and Max Potions and come hard on the Cobras this week.”

Well, some key players did step up like Alvin Kamara (17.2 pts) and Travis Kelce (17.7 pts) who fought through an injury but every other player, besides Kicker Jake Elliot, came in under their projection for Master Ballers this weekend. Of note, it was the receiving group that underperformed considerably only posting a total of 22.3 points between the three of them and will need to be an area of improvement for this team moving forward.

Meanwhile, Can You Fields the Love Tonight keeps pace with the only other team posing a question with their team name, improving to 4-1 remaining in 2nd place. Justin Fields has decided to be good at football again which spells great news for manager Stephen Clines posting a whopping 32.98 points this weekend. If that QB play continues, this will be a tough team to beat. Without much else to write home about, Devon Achane (21 pts) and Bijan Robinson (10.8 pts) were the only other two players to crack double digits this week but it was enough to get the job done as they carried Clines to victory.

Can You Fields’ manager said this, “Tough week but we persevered. What looked like a surefire victory after the early games turned scary after Travis Kelce started going off and Tony Pollard faltered. But despite this adversity we stuck it out for the dub, and that’s what great teams do. Unfortunately, we lost Achane in the process so I’ll need some other guys to step up while he recovers.”

Master Ballers looks ahead to Week 6 in hopes of deploying some new tactics to perhaps catch themselves an Ekans or Arbok against Cobra FC while Clines and Can You Fields the Love Tonight return home to host a banged up Frosty Flights FC team.

Muddy Indeed: 4A buries Galveston Bay Deep in the Swamp with Big Week

In this week’s applicable movie quote, 4A-NOT-4E got out of Galveston Bay’s swamp with a big win. Shrek likely would have fit right in on this team as they steamrolled the last place team moving up to 4th in the PPL standings.

Posting the 2nd highest points total of the week, there were some huge performances across the board from Andrew 4A’s team including 45 points from DJ Moore, 26.2 from Kittle and another 20.1 from Stefon Diggs leading the way for this squad. I have to say, when Derrick Henry is your lowest scorer for the week, it must have been a GOOD week and indeed it was for what is looking like a scary 3-2 team if they keep this type of momentum.

Mr. Forey offered one quick work when asked about his team’s performance before elaborating further, “Dominance. People may think I got lucky with career games from Kittle and DJ Moore, but that’s gonna be the norm from here on out.”

Meanwhile, home team, Muddy Waters put up a respectable performance that was simply overshadowed by their opponents but there are a lot of positives to take away.

Dunegan said something similar when asked for a comment, “The team is still getting settled after a massive trade. DON’T MISS IT – We scored a new season high of points so obviously moving in the right direction. Ekeler and DK come back next week and man I’m optimistic about not being the worst worst team anymore.”

Those comments are certainly founded in some truth as Breece Hall, who has not performed all that well, turned in his best game of the season with 26.9 points and Curtis Samuel turning in a decent performance of his own.

As Dunegan commented, DK Metcalf will return from bye and Austin Ekeler is expected to return to play which should help Dunegan and Muddy Waters get out of the PPL basement.

They’ll look to do just that in Week 6 against a mortal looking King’s Landing United suffering from multiple injuries while 4A-NOT-4E matches up with Heaven’s Heroes in a battle of 3-2 teams.

Platooner '23: Week 4 Recap

Wed, 04 Oct 2023 18:00:06 GMT

Fantasy Turned Reality: Magner Gets First Win As Banged Up Geno Falls Short for Adcock

As a rookie manager last season, Master Ballers boss Keaton Adcock no doubt remembers exactly where he was and what he was doing when he claimed his first victory in the Pigskin Premier League. The pure bliss and adrenaline of waking up the next morning and seeing marks in the win column by your club’s name is an incredible feeling that leaves a lasting impact on any manager.

Now a PPL veteran however, Adcock is sure to be much less enthused about his result this week, which handed rookie manager Mack Magner his first league win of what should prove to be a long and successful career. The loss sees the Master Ballers fall to 2-2 on the season, one of 4 teams resting at .500 through the first month of the campaign.

Adcock’s lineup played decently enough, with Terry McLaurin (18.6 points), Jake Elliott (18 points), and newly activated Alvin Kamara (14.9 points) all contributing solid efforts. However, his squad produced just one total touchdown, a passing score thrown by quarterback Geno Smith (8.7 points), who also suffered a knee injury that severely limited his production on Monday night.

Rather than dwell on the loss, Adcock discussed the lofty expectations he has for his club in Year 2 when questioned by the Platooner following the match:

“Let’s keep this simple. I think our ceiling is winning and our floor is losing. It’s about consistency as we head toward playoffs. Admittedly, we will be working towards raising our average point scored as we move forward in the season. We want a championship, not just a playoff tease.” Adcock stated.

Meanwhile, Fantasy Football Team manager Mack Magner capitalized on the Master Ballers’ inability to get in the end zone and captured the first win of his PPL career as a result.

Despite disappointing performances from key players Chris Olave (0.9 points), Miles Sanders (4.7 points), and Jakobi Meyers (4.3 points), Magner overcame the odds and defeated the Arizona based Adcock thanks to a massive performance from number 4 overall pick Christian McCaffrey (45.2 points). The victory sees Magner climb from the league cellar based on a points for tiebreaker with Galveston Bay.

When questioned by the Platooner about his victory, Magner admirably shrugged off the chance to gloat, choosing instead to show compassion to his fellow manager:

“Honestly I mostly just feel bad for Keaton - he deserved the win but sometimes that’s the way the cookie crumbles. We’ve still got a lot to work on to stay in the win column.” Magner said.

Magner will look to build upon his week 4 success next week against Hunter Tormey and Frosty Flights FC, while Adcock is set to tangle with Can You Field the Love Tonight and Stephen Clines.

Murky Depths: Balanced Nehikhuere Tops 127, Sinks Dunegan, Muddy Waters

Who is Aaron Jones manager Tosa Nehikhuere proved himself Houston’s true drip king in week 4, dispatching Sam Dunegan and his Galveston Bay Muddy Waters side with ease in a meeting between the last two league champions. The result sees Nehikhuere improve to 3-1 on the young season, while Dunegan falls to 1-3.

Despite leaving Nico Collins and his 32.3 points on the bench this week, Nehikhuere still posted his best performance of the season with an impressive 127 points. Strong contributions from the Seattle D/ST (29 points) and Isiah Pacheco (23.3 points) headlined the victory for the pre-season favorite, while his 7 double digit scorers showed great balance across a lineup that is set to add Cooper Kupp back into the fold as early as this week.

Over the past few weeks, Nehikhuere has been quick to heap praise on his lineup, who have performed very admirably in Kupp’s absence. However, the defending champion made his excitement to have Kupp back clear to the Platooner:

“I want you to put the word out there that we back up.” Nehikhuere stated via meme.

On the flipside, Galveston Bay manager Sam Dunegan continued to struggle without first round pick Austin Ekeler in week 4, as his lineup totaled just 85 points in the matchup.

While Dunegan enjoyed solid wide receiver play from DK Metcalf (10.9 points) and Brandon Ayuik (17.8 points), the majority of his lineup fell flat in week 4. Even star quarterback Patrick Mahomes (13.22 points) and the Eagles D/ST (3 points) failed to generate much production for the HOA frontman, all but sealing his fate for the week.

While absolutely anything is still possible in a league as wild as the PPL, it seems that major changes may be needed for the Muddy Waters to have a chance of competing for a playoff spot, which Dunegan commented on in his remarks to the Platooner following the matchup:

“Here’s my comment about our performance- Honestly, can’t be disappointed with crappy players doing crappy things. We are looking to bring a new GM and Coach and Owner.” Dunegan remarked.

Dunegan will look to get back on track in week 5 against Andrew Forey and his 4A-Not-4E unit, while Nehikhuere will look to remain at the top of the standings in a prime time matchup with Matt Stone’s Heaven Heroes.

The Red Keep Has Fallen: Fields, Achane Help Clines Storm Kings Landing

The most highly anticipated matchup of the week turned out to be one of the least competitive, as Stephen Clines and his Can You Fields the Love Tonight team rolled Jake Sawyer’s previously unbeaten Kings Landing United squad in week 4. As a result, both teams find themselves at 3-1 on the season, with Clines edging out Sawyer in the standings on a points for basis.

Even in spite of a huge week 3 performance, many around the league questioned whether Sawyer’s hot start could be sustained with his current roster as he failed to top 91 points in either of his first two matchups. Unfortunately for Sawyer, his lineup finally paid the price for a subpar performance, posting a league low 82 points on the week.

Jalen Hurts (24.16 points) and Justin Jefferson (23.5 points) certainly held up their end of the bargain in week 4, but lackluster efforts from Amari Cooper (2.1 points), Kyle Pitts (3.1 points), and the San Francisco D/ST (1 point) proved fatal to Sawyer’s chances of success.

When questioned by the Platooner about his thoughts on the matchup, Sawyer was quick to congratulate his opposing manager on the win, and even quicker to shift his focus to next week’s matchup:

“If I’m gonna be real, I knew I was going to lose pretty quickly. Stephen has put together a very respectable team and they were just the better side. Hoping my boys take something from this loss and are able to shake it off to continue this good start to the season.

But we’re still confident. We’ve got Cobra FC next week so we’re pretty much guaranteed a free win.” Sawyer commented.

Meanwhile, Clines bounced back after a rough week 3 by scoring 111 points in week 4, good for fourth most in the league. With the win, Clines becomes the only manager in the PPL to have multiple wins over teams with winning records this season.

Star quarterback Justin Fields (27.9 points) finally showed flashes of the elite fantasy potential that tantalized managers all summer long, while rookie running back Devon Achane (25.5 points) put up eye-popping numbers for a second consecutive week.

Clines expressed his pleasure with his team’s strong start to the season, while commenting on his aspirations for continued success with the season of bye weeks now descending upon the league:

“It feels good. I know it’s toxic, but when I’m behind I love bringing people down to my level, and that’s what I did this past week by bringing Jake down to 3-1. As we go into Bye season, I’m really gonna have to work around the margins, hope my bench guys can show up when it counts, and make sure my studs are showing up every Sunday (and occasionally Thursday or Monday).” Clines said.

Clines will look to prevent Keaton Adcock and the Master Ballers from bringing him down to their level in week 5, while Sawyer looks ahead to what should be a very entertaining matchup with Coby Evers and Cobra FC.

Stairway to Heaven: Stone Beats Cantway, Ascends in League Table Despite AJ Brown’s Big Day

While the urban sprawl of America may have collected a nice win last week when Who is Aaron Jones defeated Cobra FC, small town USA is battling back as Royse City native Matt Stone and his Heaven’s Heroes side knocked off Mitch Cantway’s Houston based Sevin Dingleterry squad in week 4. As a result, Stone improves to 3-1 on the season, while Cantway stumbles to a 1-3 start.

While it may not have been Stone’s prettiest victory of the season, it ended up being no less dominant than the others. Solid performances from Justin Herbert (23.38 points) and Marquis Brown (13.1 points) in the early window of Sunday’s action helped Stone control the matchup early, while another big day from the Dallas D/ST (26 points) all but solidified the win.

In a week in which several key contributors such as Rhamondre Stevenson (5 points) and Tyreek Hill (8.7 points) had tough matchups, Stone still found a way to comfortably get the job done. But some around the league can’t help but wonder whether Stone’s hot start is the real deal, or fueled by matchups against inferior competition. When asked if he felt like his team has truly been tested this season, Stone replied:

“Well, in this 12 team league, there are only 4 teams above .500, and only three of those teams are the real deal. But in this game, you aren’t tested by the teams across the ball from you. The real test is what is going on in your heart and mind and how you dominate the field according to your best abilities. So I would say we’ve been tested each week, and each week we’ve come back into our locker room with a laundry list of to do items as long as your arm. 3-1 is fine, but I’m looking at week 16.”

Meanwhile, Cantway’s crew face planted in week 4 after a week 3 victory that seemed to signal the franchise turning the corner in terms of success.

A monster day from wide receiver AJ Brown (34 points) and a valiant effort from quarterback Brock Purdy (21.32 points) ended in vain, as the other 7 starters in Cantway’s lineup combined for only 30 fantasy points. There is room for optimism going forward given the talent Cantway’s squad possesses, but the Sri Lankan international will need to make some adjustments to produce a more competitive side.

Cantway criticized his managerial performance when questioned by the Platooner, but also provided a positive outlook for the future:

“Losing in fantasy and getting my cheeks clapped by Matt are familiar feelings. I’m getting too comfortable, too complacent. Look for things to get shaken up going into week 5.” Cantway said.

Cantway will look to shake off this performance and move on to greener pastures in week 5 against Kenny Turner and Flush Factory United, while Stone will match up with fellow 3-1 club Who is Aaron Jones and Tosa Nehikhuere.

Blondes Do It Better: RB’s Run Wild as Tormey Clinches Rivalry Win Over Turner, Flush Factory

One of the most passionate rivalries in the league came to life in week 4 as Flush Factory United and manager Kenny Turner did battle with Hunter Tormey and Frosty Flights FC in the third annual El Blondico. As usual, the matchup was chocked full of action and drama, but this year it was Tormey who ended up securing the win, improving to 2-2 on the season. Turner on the other hand, falls to 1-3.

Week 4 started out no kinder than usual to Tormey, who lost starters Luke Musgrave (.6 points) and Tee Higgins (2.9 points) to injuries, though neither are expected to miss much time. However, running back play ultimately proved the difference is this nail biting contest, as Josh Jacobs (23.9 points) and Kyren Williams (26.2 points) enjoyed big fantasy days when the club needed them most.

It was actually quite difficult to hear Tormey’s comments to the Platooner originally, as passionate Frosty Flights fans (known locally as the Passengers), loudly and proudly debuted a new cheer as the team left the field. Set to the tune of Shakira’s Waka Waka, the chant went as follows:

“Tsamina mina, eh eh!

Waka waka ehhhh ehh!

A trade for Allen down the drain,

Josh Jacobs scores again!”

When Platooner sources were finally able to speak to Tormey in a more subdued setting, he made sure to revel a bit in this rivalry win:

“Let me tell you this about Kenny Turner, he’s a hell of a manager and a great friend. But at the same time, I live in Dallas, he must live in Dallas. I name my team after Fortnite, he must name his team after Fortnite. I have blonde hair, he must get blonde hair. I win in fantasy football, he cannot afford. Great success!” Tormey said.

In the visiting locker room however, the mood was far from free-spirited and fun. Projected to win handily this week, Turner came up just 1.2 points short of victory in week 4, the slimmest margin of defeat across the league thus far.

Newly acquired quarterback Josh Allen (36.5 points) quickly endeared himself to Flush Factory fans with an outstanding opening performance in the white and brown. However, the rest of Turner’s lineup was only able to muster one other touchdown, a 1 yard scoring plunge from Kenneth Walker (13.9 points) on Monday Night football. Walker’s efforts nearly allowed Turner to pick up the victory, but he ultimately could not secure the final 12 yards needed.

Turner made it clear he’s potentially interested in shaking things up via trade once more in his weekly comments to the Platooner:

“Nothing is off limits with our team. All I know is the performances so far this season aren’t good enough. We gotta turn things around and get going in the right direction. On to the Dingleterrys.” Turner commented.

Frosty Flights will look to string back to back wins together as they take on Mack Magner and the Fantasy Football Team in week 5, while Turner will look to turn things around against Mitch Cantway and his Sevin Dingleterry unit.

Snakes in Washington: Cobra FC Batters Forey, 4A Not 4E With Masterclass Performance

Back in college, Cobra FC manager Coby Evers and 4A Not 4E manager Andrew Forey used to compete for the hearts and minds of female Ignite Texas staff members. Now however, their rivalry is played out on the fantasy football gridiron instead as Evers picked up a huge victory over Forey, scoring nearly 160 points in the process.

After giving the defending champion a run for his money in week 3, Evers kicked his performance up several notches in week 4, posting a new league high 159.6 fantasy points in the process. Other than kicker Justin Tucker (4 points) every one of Evers starters scored in double figures on the week, with 3 starters scoring at least 24 points.

Likely drunk with delight and Miller Lite, Evers declined to offer a comment to the Platooner after his dominant performance, but one can only assume he is confident in his team’s chances of success going forward.

On the flipside, 4A Not 4E manager Andrew Forey did his best to field a competitive side in week 4, but he ultimately succumbed to Evers’ strong play.

A 33 point outing from Stefon Diggs and a 23.1 point effort from DJ Moore hardly made a dent for the rookie manager, though his lineup did top 100 points for the third consecutive week despite the loss. Continuing to channel his inner Coach Prime, Forey had some choice words for any lingering doubters following his week 4 performance:

“They better get me now in my first year, cause I got athletes coming. We’re only getting better from here. But yes this week was a tough one, bit of a reality check. Really came down to 2 things: bad QB play and bad defense. Two most important components of a championship team. This league is not easy, and our leader needs to step up. Embarrassing performance from Kirk. He needs to know he’s on the trading block now.” Forey stated.

Forey will look to return to winning ways next week against Sam Dunegan’s Galveston Bay club, while Evers will duel with Kings Landing United and Jake Sawyer in week 5.

Platooner '23: Week 3 Recap

Thu, 28 Sep 2023 03:31:38 GMT

Hakuna Matata: No Worries For Team Forey in Surprising Takedown of Clines

Much like the recent rise of Colorado football coach Deion Sanders, the self-proclaimed “Coach Prime of the PPL”, Andrew Forey, has captured the hearts and minds of many fans around the league by securing a statement win in week 3 over Can You Field the Love Tonight and manager Stephen Clines. Unfortunately for Clines, while his unit had been playing exceptionally well through 2 weeks thus far, he was ultimately caught napping in week 3 harder than that time he fell asleep face down on a bed after a wedding, still wearing his full tux and shoes.

While the rookie’s victory may come as a surprise to many around the league, Team Forey has once again proved that anything is possible when a ragtag group of players truly trust and believe in their manager. With consistently great play from star players such as Kirk Cousins (25.68 points) and Deebo Samuel (22.1 points), as well as a massive amount of managerial charisma, Team Forey has the look of a legitimate playoff contender that has long since shaken off a forgettable week 1 performance.

Forey made sure to take a shot at his critics in his post-match comments to the Platooner, while painting a picture of the heights he believes his club can reach this season:

“We’re hungry. We’re not satisfied yet. We got a lot to prove against all the doubters who think a new team and new manager can’t make any noise. The scary thing for the rest of the league is that we haven’t even played our best football yet. RBs need to step it up, but have no doubt they will. Long season to go.” Forey stated.

On the flipside, Can You Field the Love Tonight manager Stephen Clines was unable to capitalize off his strong 2-0 start and suffered his first loss of the 2023 PPL season. On the heels of 140 point explosion in week 2, Clines’ lineup regressed back to the mean as star players Bijan Robinson (8 points), Justin Fields (10.66 points), and Devonta Smith (4.8 points) all posted subpar efforts this week.

The lanky Houstonian can hardly be faulted for failing to start running back Devon Achane (49.3 points) and receiver Tank Dell (23 points), though leaving such lofty point totals on the bench will surely cause any good manager to cringe to the core of their being.

While only his first loss of the season, the defeat seems to have taken a devastating toll on Clines, according to Platooner sources:

“I’m gonna kms” Clines said.

After a quick group hug with his players however, Clines presented a more positive outlook for his club moving forward:

“Sorry meant to say I think we’ll keep pounding, gonna see if I can tinker some to optimize my roster going forward, might look for some key acquisitions to bolster my team as we get into the real meat of the season.”

Forey will look to continue to defy the odds next week against old foe Coby Evers and Cobra FC, while Clines will look to res-establish his dominant form and return to the top of the league table in a prime time matchup with Jake Sawyer’s Kings Landing United team.

Grit and Grime: Mostert, Cantway Persevere, Beat Dunegan’s Muddy Waters Side

In a matchup between two of the most questionable managers in the league, Galveston Bay manager Sam Dunegan suffered what many are calling his worst defeat since losing to JLo in one on one basketball. For his part, Sevin Dingleterry manager Mitch Cantway was happy to fill in for the former Babe Cave houseboy in collecting a win at Dunegan’s expense.

Midweek adjustments from Dunegan proved ineffective in week 3, as his lineup saw minimal improvement from last week, a week in which the “Special One” did not start an RB2. Quarterback Patrick Mahomes (25.68 points) and wide receiver DK Metcalf (14.2 points) proved to be bright spots in an otherwise uninspiring performance from Dunegan’s Muddy Waters, who fall to 1-2 on the young PPL season.

Dunegan was optimistic about his chances of returning to winning ways moving forward, putting together a truly foolproof plan for success:

“I’m not too down while missing key starters, I would have beat 3 other teams last week. We just need to work hard and trade for more players on the Miami Roster or maybe get Austin Ekeler dating someone famous.” Dunegan commented.

Meanwhile, Sevin Dingleterry manager Mitch Cantway opened an account in the PPL winners column with the victory with a more than respectable 118 point week 3 effort. To illustrate how close the league standings remain, Cantway’s win propels him from near the bottom of the league to the cusp of playoff contention.

While Cantway’s strategy of spamming New York Giants starters once again failed him (3.98 points for Daniel Jones, 3.5 points for Darren Waller), his decision to start running back Raheem Mostert (41.7 points) proved the decisive factor in the win, as the speedy Dolphin scored all 4 touchdowns Cantway’s lineup produced.

Cantway provided key insight on the stats that impressed him the most from his team’s week 3 win:

“I think this is the first week where my starters averaged more points than my bench, which is a promising sign. That will be a key metric tracked by ownership through the season.We are by no means off the hot seat, but it is nice to balance out that win loss ratio a little. Dingle Country, let’s ride.” Cantway said.

Dunegan will look to right the ship next week by knocking off Who Is Aaron Jones and Tosa Nehikhuere, while Cantway and Sevin Dingleterry find themselves on a crash course with Matt Stone’s Heaven’s Heroes unit.

Bills D/ST, I Choose You!: Master Ballers Ride D To Win Over Struggling Frosty Flights

This week 3 bout pitted Master Ballers manager Keaton Adcock and Frosty Flights FC manager Hunter Tormey, who are both widely considered some of the managers in the PPL, against one another. Unfortunately for Tormey, his club was unable to claim the Victory Royale for the second straight week as Adcock and Co. picked up a comfortable win.

Tormey’s tough start to the season continued in week 3, as his lineup has finished no better than 10th in points for across the league on any given week this season. With star players playing like waiver wire pickups (8.16 points from Joe Burrow, 3.1 points from Tee Higgins) and an onslaught of injuries (league high 4 season ending injuries in the first 3 weeks), it’s no understatement to say nothing has gone right for the veteran gaffer so far in 2023.

Rather than dwelling on his misfortunes or condemning the play of his lineup, Tormey chose to turn his attention toward next week’s matchup, which he hopes can spark a much needed turnaround on the season:

“Look, we’ve had plenty of obstacles so far this season, and frankly anyone who says my team is bad I’d challenge them to drop 4 of their best players and see how their lineup performs. With that being said we’ve got to refocus our energy on this relegation club clash against Kenny next week. He picked up a win this week and all of a sudden the pundits are calling our club the Everton of DFW, assuming his team to be the proverbial Liverpool. But I don’t know if Kenny is prepared for the lengths I will go to to come out of this El Blondico with a key win.” Tormey said.

On the other hand, Master Ballers manager Keaton Adcock has to be pleased with the way his club has responded after losing a nail-biter to the league’s only remaining unbeaten team, Kings Landing United, in week 1. Channeling shades of prime Sam Dunegan, Adcock was rewarded richly for his trust in the Bills D/ST, who forced 5 turnovers and scored a touchdown against the Commanders en route to a 31 point fantasy game.

Running back Jerome Ford contributed 18.1 points to Adcock’s cause, while Travis Kelce continues to succeed on and off the field, posting a solid 16.4 points in week 3. Going forward, Adcock will need more production from running back Breece Hall (3.2 points) to get the job done, but fortunately the rest of his lineup more than picked up the slack on this occasion.

When questioned by the Platooner, Adcock was quick to praise his lineup for the hard work they’ve done to put together back to back impressive performances:

“The team was happy to show up and put together a win. It appears, like many other airlines, that there was some delays in departure for our friends over at Frosty Flights. It felt good to catch another win this week and we are ecstatic about the improvement at RB with expectations for continued growth as we welcome Kamara back this week. We are going to focus on the fact that level alone isn’t always enough to win, but type matchup must accounted for as well!” Adcock remarked.

Adcock will look to make the most of another favorable matchup against Mack Magner’s Fantasy Football Team next week, while Tormey will attempt to get back to .500 against Flush Factory United and Kenny Turner.

Dracarys!: Sawyer, Kings Landing Catch Fire As Magner Stumbles to 0-3

In much the same way that Drogon torched the city of Kings Landing with the fires of Targaryen fury in season 8 of Game of Thrones, Kings Landing United manager Jake Sawyer took a scorched Earth approach to his week 3 matchup with Mack Magner’s Fantasy Football Team, establishing himself once and for all as Matt Stone’s best best man.

In what should widely be considered the best overall performance of the season, Sawyer’s lineup posted a jaw-dropping 146.88 fantasy points, setting a new high across the league for single week scoring. In fact, only Kyle Pitts (6.2 points) failed to crack double digit scoring this week in Sawyer’s lineup, with recievers Justin Jefferson (24.4 points) and Amari Cooper (21.1 points) turning in particularly impressive numbers.

Platooner sources had to double check Sawyer’s comments, as there was originally some confusion as to whether they had actually been made by Cobra FC manager Coby Evers, given the cockiness of his statements:

“Super excited for my guys but not surprised. If they play how I know they can, we should win every single game. A flawless performance across the board, and now I’m excited going up against the biggest championship contender this upcoming week. Nothing will be bottled as long as my boys do their thing. Funny what the league is saying to the Platooner considering I’m constantly getting trade inquiries and requests for advice. And I’m happy to give it and help someone boost their team with a great trade. Please reach out if you’re interested in being part of history!” Sawyer beamed.

While Sawyer’s victory propels him to the top of the standings, Magner’s loss sends his team to the bottom. Magner, who has improved his lineup’s overall point total each week thus far, was more so suffering from the success of Sawyer this week, as opposed to putting up poor numbers himself.

Quarterback Josh Allen (21.32 points) and running back Christian McCaffrey (20.4 point) served as strong anchors for Magner’s lineup, while rookie tight end Sam LaPorta (18.4 points) continues to be a revelation at the position. With recievers Jaylen Waddle and Christian Watson set to return to the fold soon, there are plenty of reasons for Magner to be optimistic, despite the slow start.

Magner kept it short and sweet addressing the Platooner this week, venting the frustration that comes with playing the week’s highest scoring team:

“Team played better, found the end zone more which is a step in the right direction. Tough draw going up against a 145 point team.” Magner said.

Magner hopes the improving play of his lineup will translate to a win in week 4 as he takes on Keaton Adcock and the Master Ballers, while Sawyer looks to extend his run of unbeaten play against Stephen Clines and Can You Field the Love Tonight.

Holy Shit: Walker, Chase Shine as Flush Factory Stun Stone, Heaven’s Heroes

While it’s widely known that Flush Factory United manager Kenny Turner and Heaven’s Heroes manager Matt Stone are two of the best huggers in the league, Turner’s embrace turned into more of a death grip in week 3, as his Flush Factory United side routed the Heroes by a near 50 burger.

Turner’s week 3 dominance was due in no small part to season best performances from running backs Kenneth Walker (29.1 points) and Zach Moss (21.5 points), in addition to second overall pick Jamarr Chase (20.1 points). While kicker and Flush Factory super fan Cameron Dicker (3 points) shockingly underwhelmed United fans in week 3, big contributions up and down Turner’s lineup led to a solid victory.

Turner highlighted the need for continued improvement, while making sure to take time to celebrate the success of his lineup this week in his post match comments:

“Felt good to see the boys out there just playing their game! We gotta find a way to get in the end zone a little bit more and need to improve from the qb position, but overall it was a great team win. Feels like we needed to avoid 0-3 in order to keep our championship aspirations alive! Glad to have a victory Tuesday with the boys!” Turner said.

Meanwhile, Stone drops to 2-1 on the season with the loss. While Justin Herbert (29.3 points) and Tyreek Hill (26.2 points) starred once again in week 3, the rest of Stone’s lineup simply couldn’t get anything going, with no other starter cracking 7 points on the week.

There is room for improvement however, as running back Alexander Mattison (15 points) and receiver Marquise Brown (14.6 points) put up strong numbers on Stone’s bench, and the Cowboys D/ST (-2 points) is bound to return to form soon.

Stone hinted at the need to make adjustments to his roster in short order to get back to the win column:

“We’ve got to make several major changes, and almost off of those are at the running back position. I don’t know how it’s possible that I got all the league’s duds on one team, but I did. Call it karma for absolutely dominating the WR game with Tyreek Hill.” Stone commented.

Stone will look to improve to 3-1 on the season next week as he clashes with Mitch Cantway’s upstart Sevin Dingleterry team, while Turner will do battle with fellow Dallas blonde Hunter Tormey and Frosty Flights FC.

Snake Farm: Nehikhuere, Who is Aaron Jones Tame Cobra FC Behind Adams Stunner

Major population hubs claimed yet another victory against small town USA in this week 3 matchup as Who Is Aaron Jones manager Tosa Nehikhuere led his team to a come from behind win against Coby Evers and Cobra FC. The result earns Nehikhuere’s squad another key win sans first round pick Cooper Kupp, who could potentially return to action as early as week 5.

Evers and his Cobras started the match out on the attack, as monster performances from Keenan Allen (36.46 points) and Lamar Jackson (28.18 points) in the early Sunday window skyrocketed his chances of success.

However, the speech and debate savant found little in the way of support from Bears players Khalil Herbert (2.5 points) and Cole Kmet (3.2 points), while the Jacksonville defense’s flaccid performance (-4 points) opened the door to a Nehikhuere comeback.

Evers was too emotional to dive into specifics about the matchup in speaking to Platooner sources, saying only:

“Dude I thought I had that matchup.”

On the other side, Nehikhuere masterminded a feverish comeback bid behind great contributions from Davante Adams (35.7 points), Deshaun Watson (21.16 points), and Christian Kirk (13.4 points). With team namesake Aaron Jones set to return soon along with the aforementioned Cooper Kupp, Nehikhuere’s bunch once again has the look of the pre-season favorite many expected the reigning champ to field.

Nehikhuere made sure to congratulate his players on their resilience in the face of adversity, and touted his team as one to watch in his comments to the Platooner:

“The guys are holding it down. Once we get the full squad back it’s up. Trust the process!” Nehikhuere said.

Nehikhuere will look to continue to back up his lofty talk next week as his club hosts Sam Dunegan’s Galveston Bay Muddy Waters team, while Evers takes on old friend and former romantic competitor Andrew Forey.

Platooner '23: Week 2 Recap

Wed, 20 Sep 2023 15:18:53 GMT

King Cobra: Keenan Allen, Cobra FC Sink Fangs Into Sinking Sevin Dingleterry

While neither Cobra FC manager Coby Evers or Sevin Dingleterry manager Mitchell Cantway could consistently stay on the court during intramural basketball season (due to Evers getting crossed into oblivion by 7 year olds and Cantway’s excessive technical fouling), this matchup would prove that at least one of them knows how to manage a winning fantasy football team. Unfortunately for Cantway and Co, it was Evers who came out on top this week, a welcome change for the self-proclaimed “Short King.”

Fueled by a monster 27.1 effort from wide receiver Keenan Allen and six other double digits scorers, Cobra FC posted an impressive 135.58 points in the week 2 win, good for the second best mark in the league. In addition to Allen, Evers has to be pleased with what he’s seen from starting running backs James Cook (17.9 points) and David Montgomery (11.9 points), who have comfortably outperformed many expectations through two games.

Improving to 1-1 on the young season, Evers seems poised to back up his talk about not losing anytime soon from a week ago. Unfortunately, Evers forgot to respond to the Platooner’s request for a comment on his team’s performance, just as he forgot to send in his week 2 pick ‘em’ choices for PlatoonerBets.

On the flipside, Evers’ gaudy week 2 numbers overshadow a very solid performance from Mitch Cantway’s Sevin Dingleterry squad, who fall to 0-2 on the season despite showing clear signs of improvement.

After a historically rough week 1 for the Giants, Cantway’s trio of Meadowlands maulers sprung to life in week 2, as quarterback Daniel Jones, running back Saquon Barkley, and tight end Darren Waller scored an impressive 30.74, 24.2, and 10.6 fantasy points respectively. However, disappointing efforts from wide receiver AJ Brown (4.9 points) and running back Travis Etienne Jr. (5.2 points) ultimately sealed the Houstonian’s fate.

More disappointed in himself than his players per se, Cantway took accountability for the loss when speaking to the Platooner:

“Words like “sold” and “bottled it” come to mind. Cant-blame anyone but myself here. The boys showed out with the points, but I didn’t put them in the spots to succeed.” he remarked.

Cantway will look to rebound next week against the fiery and furious Sam Dunegan and his Galveston Bay Muddy Waters side, while Cobra FC will travel to Houston for an enticing road matchup with Tosa Nehikhuere and Who Is Aaron Jones.

Righteous Fury: Stone, Heaven’s Heroes Impress Again as League Denies Dunegan’s Eleventh Hour Plea

In an ironic twist of fate, despite playing a team with core values of mercy and grace, Galveston Bay Muddy Waters manager Sam Dunegan found little of either in this week 2 tilt against Matt Stone’s Heaven’s Heroes squad. Billed as an intriguing tussle between former Ignite Texas frontmen, this fixture will arguably be remembered not for the play of the two clubs, but off the pitch accusations of a league wide conspiracy and a mysterious “can of worms.”

After a solid week 1 victory, Galveston Bay’s chances of success this week took a nosedive when number 5 overall pick Austin Ekeler was ruled out of the contest with an ankle injury. In a corresponding move, the short handed Dunegan temporarily promoted running back Cam Akers into his starting lineup, hoping for a more efficient outing than the former Seminole produced in week 1. However, in a shocking move that took place shortly before Sunday’s action began, the Rams announced that Akers would not be suiting up for the team in week 2.

Without another running back to turn to on his roster, Dunegan quickly hit waivers in an attempt to fill the void in his roster with 49ers backup running back Elijah Mitchell. But the misfortune continued for Dunegan, as league rules prevented him from adding Mitchell to his roster given that a player on his team, John Metchie III had already begun play.

Dunegan then made a public plea to the league to alter the rules to allow for the last minute transaction, but his appeal was met with opposition from the outspoken Coby Evers of Cobra FC, who warned that allowing Dunegan to add Mitchell under these circumstances who open a “can of worms.” As a result, Dunegan was unable to add a second running back and was forced to take a goose egg in his RB2 spot. For what it’s worth, Elijah Mitchell also scored 0 points and failed to register a touch in his matchup.

Dunegan declined to speak to Platooner sources following the matchup, presumably due to his raw and unbridled rage. However, the HOA vice president did release a cryptic, grammatically challenged statement as strange as the man himself:

“ I don’t H ave much to say A bout T he weekend. E verything T hat could go wrong H appened. E very weekend will test you in different ways C ome hell O r high water. M y team needs to be

M eticuolously crafted and I ntegrated into their team’s system to survive the S cript writers.

H ow about them boys tho?”

While Dunegan’s odd statement may or may not lack credibility, they should not completely take the focus away from a great Heaven’s Heroes win. In handing Galveston Bay a decisive 26 point loss, Stone’s crew seemed to render Dunegan’s grievances moot with their dynamic play.

Led by quarterback Justin Herbert (22.2 points) and wide receiver Tyler Lockett (21.9 points), Heaven’s Heroes maintained its place among the league’s unbeaten with the win. However, Stone will need to continue to carefully assess his lineup going forward, particularly with respect to the running back position as high profile players Najee Harris (4.8 points) and Alexander Mattison (3.4 points) have disappointed thus far.

When asked if he has been pleased by his team’s 2-0 start and back to back strong performances, Stone channeled his inner mamba mentality in response:

“What’s there to be happy about? Job’s not finished. Job finished? I mean, I don’t think so.” Stone quipped.

Heaven’s Heroes will look to maintain their fine form against the likes of Kenny Turner and Flush Factory United in week 3, while Dunegan and Galveston Bay turn their anger toward Mitch Cantway’s Sevin Dingleterry unit.

Take a Bow, New Boy: Forey Wins Battle of Rookie Managers Behind Big Kirk Cousins Performance

With both Team Forey manager Andrew Forey and The Fantasy Football Team manager Mack Magner each looking to make a strong impression in the Rookie of the Year managerial race, the eyes of many around the league were on this expansion club collision. In the end, those eyes went on to witness a resurgent performance from Team Forey, earning their gaffer his first career Pigskin Premier League victory.

After scoring a league low 70.26 fantasy points in week 1, Forey’s club turned things around in a major way in week 2, dropping nearly 120 points in a well rounded team effort. In fact, Forey’s 50 point improvement from week 1 to week 2 was by far the highest in the league, and ranks among the most impressive week to week turnarounds since such stats were recorded by the PPL.

Pulling the strings of Forey’s epic bounce back were wide receiver Deebo Samuel (19.1 points) and running back Derrick Henry (17 points), both of whom turned in strong performances compared to their efforts in week 1. However, it was quarterback Kirk Cousins (28.56 points) who really stepped up for Team Forey with a massive Thursday night showing against the Eagles. Through two matches, Cousins surprisingly ranks as the top passer in fantasy football.

On the heels of his impressive debut win, Forey wasted little time in attempting to promote his exciting new brand of fantasy football to fans across the league:

“I’m the coach Prime of the PPL! New coach, new team, domination!” Forey boldly proclaimed.

If Forey’s rapid turnaround provides a blueprint for younger managers to find success in the PPL, Mack Magner’s Fantasy Football Team may want to take notes as he continues to search for a spark to ignite his inaugural PPL campaign.

While quarterback Josh Allen (23.66 points) returned to form after a poor week 1 and running back Christian McCaffrey continued to flourish (21 points), the rest of Magner’s lineup left a lot to be desired. Specifically, Magner will need stronger play from running backs Miles Sanders (6.2 points) and Javonte Williams (6.8 points), and will need to lock down a second starting receiver opposite Jaylen Waddle (10.4 points) going forward.

Magner emphasized the need for better play from his team’s supporting cast while admirably critiquing his week 2 decision making in comments to the Platooner:

“We’ve just got to be better for Christian. He’s putting the team on his back and everyone else is doing everything they can to drag him down. And I’ve got to be a better manager. Can’t have 18 points from Gabe Davis sitting on the bench, just cannot.” Magner stated.

Both rookie managers are set to face a tough test in week 3, with Magner set to face off against 2-0 Kings Landing United and Jake Sawyer, while Forey Will square off against Stephen Clines and his 2-0 Can You Field the Love Tonight team.

Ascending To The Throne: Sawyer, Kings Landing Earn Key Win as Injuries Mount for Tormey

In much the same way that luck, chance, fortune, and fate all play a key role in determining who will win the Game of Thrones, those same factors can all be critical components of fantasy football success as well. In this week 2 matchup between old rivals, the stars of destiny aligned for Kings Landing United manager Jake Sawyer, who was able to defeat Hunter Tormey and Frosty Flights for his second win in as many matches to kick off the 2023 PPL season.

Following an excellent showing on Thursday Night Football (25.22 points for Jalen Hurts and 19.4 points from Justin Jefferson), Sawyer appeared well positioned to potentially put this matchup to bed early. However, the remaining 7 players in Sawyer’s starting lineup combined for less points than Hurts and Jefferson teamed up for, leading to a tighter finish than many around the league expected. In the end though, Sawyer did enough to stave off a comeback bid from Tormey.

One of just three 2-0 teams remaining this season, Sawyer chalked up his team’s early success to nothing less than destiny itself:

“I plan to let my boys ride. The universe is willing me to win at this point. They’ve chosen me and I don’t know why. But yeah, I do plan to make some truly game breaking deals with another lucky manager as I need more star power. But this week I was simply the better manager. My opponent was good but I know the scheme and locker room atmosphere of frosty flights and it’s not one of victory and team building. But I hope them the best - I believe they can steal a win eventually!”

On the losing side of the match, Frosty Flights FC manager Hunter Tormey seemed poised to pull off a shocking comeback as Kings Landing running back Jamaal Williams (2.9 points) left Monday night’s game with a hamstring injury. Needing just a few more points to complete the turnaround, Tormey was dealt a heavy blow in the form of a gruesome injury to star running back Nick Chubb that not only cost him the matchup, but casts doubt over his long term prospects for success this season.

“First and foremost, my thoughts and prayers go out to Nick and his family. This is an incredibly difficult time for this young man in his career, and we here at Frosty Flights will do absolutely everything we can to continue to support our brother.” Tormey said in reference to Chubb.

In addressing his opponent however, Tormey quickly dispensed with the pleasantries, accusing Sawyer of lacking decency and candor:

“There is truly no depth my opponent will not sink to. When I went to congratulate him after our match, all he could do was gloat about my player’s horrific injury. While I’m appalled by his lack of professionalism, I will of course forgive him as long as he publicly apologizes and says “I’m sorry Hunter sir, it won’t happen again sir!” Meanwhile for his sake I just hope Justin Jefferson was watching Tee Higgins this weekend and can learn how to score a touchdown, and frankly it’s very sad that Jalen Hurts has been reduced to a mere sneak merchant in Jake’s offense. I’d honestly be embarrassed to win by such scummy means! Sad!” Tormey said.

Frosty Flights will look to get back in the win column against Keaton Adcock and the Master Ballers next week, while Sawyer looks to keep his perfect record alive against Mack Magner and the Fantasy Football Team.

Gotta Flush Em All: Master Ballers Blow Up Flush Factory United in Kelce’s Return to Lineup

Just by looking at Master Ballers manager Keaton Adcock and Flush Factory United manager Kenny Turner, it may not be abundantly clear whether the two are fantasy football competitors or contestants on The Bachelorette. Yet in this “Battle of the Hunks”, it was PlatoonerBets intern Keaton Adcock who picked up the proverbial final rose, sealing the victory over his golden headed counterpart.

For his part, Turner drops to 0-2 for the first time in his PPL career with the loss. On a positive note, Turner’s highly scrutinized running back room showcased impressive production, as Kenneth Walker III posted 17.9 points and Zach Moss gobbled up another 18.7.

However, Turner’s passing attack could not keep pace, as quarterback Trevor Lawrence’s subpar 9.24 point outing coupled with 5.6 points from star receiver Jamarr Chase and a near goose egg from tight end Pat Freiermuth spelled disaster for Turner in the end.

When asked about what adjustments he is planning to make in response to his club’s tough start, Turner stated as follows:

“Here’s the deal, I am excited about having some new additions make an impact, and the usage I’m seeing from Olave. Now, I am certainly frustrated with the #2 overall pick who has yet to even sniff double digits this season. Honestly, it’s laughable that I would tie my teams success to a Cincinnati bengal. In addition, Trevor Lawrence played like he was an alien sent here to sabotage my teams chances at a title. With three players out or on IR, I need to make something happen quick or I will be in serious trouble.”

On the other side, Adcock’s Master Ballers succeeded in carrying over positive momentum from their near comeback win last week.

Adcock’s roster turned in an excellent overall performance, as every non-running back in his starting lineup chipped in at least 9.6 fantasy points. Quarterback Geno Smith rebounded after an underwhelming week 1 with 23.12 points, and wide receiver Garrett Wilson produced 15.3 points on just 2 catches.

However, the lineup did have its flaws, as starting running backs Breece Hall (0.9 points) and Dameon Pierce (4.5 points) struggled mightily to gain traction in the matchup. Adcock knows that strong running back play is essential to long term fantasy football success, and made sure to address the issue in his comments to the Platooner:

“It’s always a team effort, but we do love to see a win with a fairly even distribution across the board. We know we still have to put more points up still, but the team really used Harden and Defense Curl to toughen up and get the job done this week. Obviously, our backs had some challenges this week, but we can’t be getting a meager combined 5 points on the position. Look for a bounce back at these slots for us next week.” Adcock said.

Adcock and the Master Ballers will look to earn another Gym Badge next week against Hunter Tormey and Frosty Flights FC, whereas Turner will look to earn a breakthrough victory at the expense of Matt Stone and Heaven’s Heroes.

Pride Rock: Sans Jones, Nehikhuere Suffers Defeat As Evans And Hockenson Star

Umbrellas in hand, fans from across the league flocked to Houston, Texas this weekend to witness two of the drippiest managers in the league face off, as Tosa Nehikhuere and Who is Aaron Jones took on Stephen Clines and Can You Field the Love Tonight. The matchup did not disappoint, as the two teams combined for over 263 fantasy points, easily the highest overall point total of any game this season. However, despite great performances from both rosters there could be only one winner, and on this occasion it was Clines.

After scoring the second most points across the league in week 1, Clines followed up his strong play in the opener with a 140.44 point masterclass. Running backs Bijan Robinson (19.2 points) and Tony Pollard (16.4 points) led a punishing ground assault, while Devonta Smith (21.1 points), Mike Evans (26.1 points) and TJ Hockenson (22.1 points) proved uncoverable in the passing game. Even kicker Brandon Aubrey got in on the scoring frenzy, converting 5 field goals en route to an 18 point performance.

With the win, Clines improves to 2-0 and jumps to the top of the league standings. When asked by Platooner sources whether he believes his team can continue to keep firing on all cylinders the rest of the way, Clines echoed a sentiment expressed by UT football fans for years on end:

“I’m pretty pessimistic so not really, still trying to not get too excited. But also it’s my year.” Climes commented.

While Clines ultimately picked up the win, Tosa Nehikhuere and his Who Is Aaron Jones squad have plenty to be proud of this week. As star players Cooper Kupp and Aaron Jones watched from the sideline in street clothes, Nehikhuere’s team produced an impressive 122.96 fantasy points, a figure which would have bested all but two teams in the league this week.

The club’s gutsy performance was headlined by efforts from running back Brian Robinson Jr. (27.9 points), who seemed determined to win the battle of the B. Robinson’s, and flex play Nico Collins (24.1 points).

But in a matchup between teams of this caliber, it only takes one poor performance to crush a team’s chances of success, and in the end Deshaun Watson’s 11.6 points just weren’t enough to get the job done for Nehikhuere.

In addressing the Platooner, Nehikhuere praised his short handed team’s tenacity while keeping the bigger picture of the season in perspective:

“I’m definitely encouraged - with two of our top guys out in Aaron Jones and Cooper Kupp, we’re still putting up numbers. We just gotta be in the mix for now, once we’re fully healthy we’re gonna be dangerous.” Nehikhuere said.

With Jones potentially back in the mix this week, Nehikhuere turns his attention to Coby Evers and his high powered Cobra FC club, while Clines will look to improve to 3-0 by beating Andrew Forey and Team Forey.

Platooner '23: Week 1 Recap

Wed, 13 Sep 2023 13:57:05 GMT

Battle of the Mas-tards: Master Ballers Come Up Short as Sawyer Makes Great Escape

In this week 1 bout, Kings Landing United manager Jake Sawyer and Master Ballers boss Keaton Adcock were forced to set aside a childhood friendship that many say dates back to the days of Old Valyria in an effort to secure a week 1 victory. Yet much like the infamous Battle of the Bastards from Game of Thrones, Kings Landing United manager Jake Sawyer was able to prevail when all hope seemed lost thanks to an assist from the proverbial knights of the Vale, the New York Jets special teams.

Down by .3 points after a spectacular Garrett Wilson touchdown reception late in the 4th quarter of Monday Night Football, Sawyer’s week 1 demise were all but certain, even as the game headed into overtime. But the Kings Landing faithful never lost hope, constantly chanting their catchphrase of choice, “Hear Me Roar!” as the Buffalo offense floundered on overtime’s first possession. What followed was nothing short of legendary, as a Bills punt turned into a kick six, which peeled two fateful points off of the Master Ballers Bills D/ST, handing Sawyer the victory.

For Sawyer, shaky performances from quarterback Jalen Hurts (12.5 points) and newly acquired receiver Amari Cooper (5.4 points) are masked by the victory, though he’ll be sure to seek more production out of those positions going forward, which he acknowledged in his comments to the Platooner:

“I’m excited for our guys but there’s obviously work to do. Serious concerns among the running backs who all 3 combined for something like 24 points; unacceptable. Our saving grace was JJ who had like 140 yards at half, what a guy. And what a 1st overall pick. We’ll lean on him for the rest of the season.” Sawyer said.

The Pflugerville man went on to say:

“I feel bad for my opponent. While I was projected to win by 30+ points halfway through the games, he managed to put together an impressive last ditch effort. But I knew that playing 2 jets players and the bills D was going to bite him in the back, but I couldn’t comprehend the magnitude and scenes that it ended up causing. A great week 1 matchup but on to the next one.”

While this loss surely stings for Adcock and the Master Ballers, the club showed admirable resilience in giving themselves a very real chance to win the matchup without the services of first round pick Travis Kelce.

Projected to lose by well over 20 points at one point, receiver Michael Pittman Jr. (19.7 points) and kicker Jake Elliott (18 points) spearheaded the team’s surprising comeback bid. When asked about the keys to his team’s inspiring play in the face of adversity, Adcock had this to say:

“Heart. Sometimes it’s more important than a win. It shows your character. Your grit. Now look, I’m not saying the team is happy to begin the season with a loss, but I did see a lot out there I liked that we can work with. Once we have our full team healthy again, we are going to work hard to earn the next win. We are starting the season off with a few hurdles to overcome this season; however, we will Battle to Catch up and have a Ball while we do it. After all, we are the Master Ballers. A league of our own.”

With Kelce expected to be back up and running next week, Adcock will look to build on the positive momentum he gained from this matchup against Kenny Turner and Flush Factory United in week 2. For Sawyer’s part, his Kings Landing club will travel north of the Wall for a battle with Hunter Tormey and Frosty Flights FC.

Field-ing The Love: Clines Dismantles Cantway, Sevin Dingleterry in Lopsided Affair

A quick glance at recent Texas Department of Public Safety statistics would tell you that Houston, Texas has by far one of the highest crime rates across the Lone Star state. What those statistics might not tell you however is that many of those crimes occur on the fantasy football gridiron, such as this week 1 matchup between Sevin Dingleterry and Can You Field the Love Tonight, which many pundits dubbed the “Battle for Space City.”

After the dust settled, the victim of this crime was undoubtedly Sevin Dingleterry manager Mitch Cantway, whose lineup failed to rise to the occasion despite the best efforts of wide receiver Calvin Ridley (20.1 points) and newly acquired running back Travis Etienne Jr. (18.9 points).

While Cantway’s bunch came up short on the fantasy football field this week, the gaffer’s attention seems to be on more pressing concerns at the moment:

“Yes super tough loss, but I’d like to talk about something that’s on my heart. I dropped my phone this morning on the tile floor of my Houston home and it is pretty banged up right now. I don’t want to get too graphic, but the screen is mad cracked and the side of the phone has a little gap and light is coming through. But we will restore and rebuild. Sorry for the lack of scoops for you this week, but some things are bigger than football, you know?” Cantway confessed.

On the other hand, Can You Field the Love Tonight manager Stephen Clines put together the league’s most well rounded performance in week 1, with 7 of 9 starters scoring 9.8 fantasy points or better.

Clines’ running backs were particularly impressive, as Falcons running back Bijan Robinson tallied 17.3 points on just 10 carries, while Cowboys star Tony Pollard went for 21.2 points in a blowout win against the Giants, a team that Cantway needed a big night from.

When asked if he felt that this solid all around week 1 effort should make him an early front runner to claim the PPL crown, Clines stated:

“You know I wouldn’t get ahead of myself there. There were a couple strong performances all around this week, I know Matt’s teams put up some strong numbers. We still got a lot of games to win. We’re still gonna roll though.”

Cantway will look to regroup next week against San Angelo savant Coby Evers and his Cobra FC side, while Clines and Co. will play another de facto home game against Tosa Nehikhuere and Who Is Aaron Jones.

Royal Flush: Dunegan, Muddy Waters Play Ekeler Card to Perfection Against United

As a general rule in life, you don’t bite the hand that feeds you. However, Chargers running back Austin Ekeler made it clear he simply does not care about your rules as he proceeded to post 24.4 fantasy points in week 1, ultimately handing his former manager Kenny Turner a loss. Platooner sources say Ekeler could be heard shouting “Is Chase still on the case?” while heading into the Galveston Bay tunnel, a clear shot at Turner’s draft day decision to spurn his former star by selecting Bengals receiver Jamarr Chase instead.

All beef aside, Sam Dunegan’s Galveston Bay team looked to be the better squad from the outset of Sunday’s action, despite disappointing performances from quarterback Patrick Mahomes (19.54 points) and Marquez Valdez-Scantling (5.8 fantasy points) on Thursday Night Football.

When asked about his team’s week 1 performance, Dunegan seemed pleased to return to winning ways, while acknowledging that he may need to sharpen his decision making to take the club to the next level:

“I’m satisfied with the win. I would have still lost to like 4 teams so I’m not too happy. I left some big points on the bench. My players were getting their targets so I’m hopeful for future production. I still would like to see more though. You can’t win the championship week one.” Dunegan said.

Meanwhile, Kenny Turner’s Flush Factory United team looked lively at times, but ultimately lacked the requisite firepower to contend with Dunegan. In the end, wide receiver Chris Olave (15.2 points) and quarterback Trevor Lawrence (17.74 points) could not overcome Turner’s lineup scoring just 1 non-passing touchdown on the week.

When Platooner sources questioned Turner about his thoughts after the loss, the veteran gaffer struggled to highlight any positives from the matchup:

“Really tough loss man. There’s really nothing to say other than the problem we thought we had is the problem we do have. .4 from the RB2 spot is horrid and we are gonna need to see some improvement if we want to win any games this year. I may even have to turn to my namesake in Kenny Gainwell if this continues. As for my #2 overall selection, I have faith that this is the wake up call he needs to go on a tear this year. I’ll be looking for less elf comments and more TDs going forward from our front man. The muddy waters were no joke, and to have my front man from last year on the other side was certainly not fun. On to week 2.” Turner commented.

Eager to shift his attention to next week’s action, Turner will look to flush this performance down the drain and get back on track against the likes of Keaton Adcock and the Master Ballers, while Dunegan and the Muddy Waters are set to tangle with Matt Stone’s red hot Heaven’s Heroes team.

Unexpected Turbulence: Frosty Flights Finds Low Scoring Liftoff Against Forey

What started out as a highly anticipated bout between two of the most commonly mispronounced last names in the league turned into a true Toilet Bowl of a week 1 matchup. While just 75.68 fantasy points was all it took to secure a victory for Frosty Flights FC manager Hunter Tormey, many around the league are left to wonder whether either team truly deserve a win from this matchup that pitted the week’s two lowest scoring teams against each other.

Tormey will of course be delighted to pick up the unexpected win, but he must quickly address major concerns up and down his roster in order replicate this result anytime soon. Chief among those concerns is finding replacements for running back J.K. Dobbins and quarterback Aaron Rodgers, both of whom seem to be lost for the season due to Achilles injuries.

Further, Tormey will need to inspire more production from quarterback Joe Burrow (3.18 points) and receiver Tee Higgins (0 points) to have any shot at maintaining a competitive side. When asked about his team’s performance in week 1, Tormey took a tough love approach to his players while expressing gratitude for the victory.

“I honestly can’t believe we won. Frankly it’s a good thing Forey’s team played like Bishop Sycamore the entire time, otherwise we easily could’ve lost this battle of the banter clubs. But we can’t be content just because we fleeced a win harder than Mitch fleeced me in our recent trade, there’s a lot of work to do going forward. Our captain turned in a truly shocking performance this week, while Tee Higgins has looked more like Tee Grizzley on the pitch ever since he nearly ended Damar Hamlin. And frick me why did I draft Dobbins, I should’ve known that man’s body is more tender than Mike Stone’s brisket. But at the end of the day, a win is a win, and we’ll take what we can get.” Tormey said.

On the flipside, Forey’s PPL managerial debut could not have gotten off to a rockier start, as his club mustered a league low 70.26 fantasy points in week 1, most of which came from star receiver Stefon Diggs (21.2 points) and quarterback Kirk Cousins (16.46 points).

However, despite the poor performance from his lineup, Forey remained unfazed and unbothered when answering questions about his level of concern for the team:

“Not concerned at all. If my kicker and defense just got POSITIVE points I would have one. My team has a tendency to play to the competition’s level. We took Frosty Flights FC for granted and came in soft. Once we start playing better competition we’ll rise to the occasion.”

Forey’s team will look to get hard and regroup for a week 2 matchup against Mack Magner and the Fantasy Football Team, while Tormey’s Frosty Flights squad will try to ensure that Winter is Coming for Jake Sawyer’s Kings Landing United.

Mack Attacked: Magner, The Fantasy Football Team Stymied As Who Is Aaron Jones Leans on Namesake

As fate would have it, both PPL new boys will have to wait until at least week 2 to collect their first win as Mack Magner’s Fantasy Football Team suffered defeat at the hands of a ragtag lineup assembled by Who is Aaron Jones manager Tosa Nehikhuere. With the loss, rookie managers now fall to 0-3 all time in PPL debuts since such stats were recorded. Talk about a welcome to the league moment!

In truth however, Magner will have been frustrated to let this one slip away, as he entered Monday Night Football needing star quarterback Josh Allen to simply hit his weekly projection to secure a win. Unfortunately, the Jets defense had other plans, forcing 4 Allen turnovers throughout the contest and allowing only 9.04 fantasy points to this year’s Madden cover star.

Magner kept it brief when addressing the media, and seemed to point the blame squarely at his star signal caller:

“Josh Allen stinks,” Magner stated.

Despite Allen’s tough night, the Fantasy Football Team did feature a number of bright spots this week, including number 4 overall pick Christian McCaffrey (24.4 points) and wide receiver Romeo Doubs (16.6 points). Magner will need to build off of performances like these to join the ranks of the PPL victors in the future.

For Nehikhuere, the win comes in the face of tremendous adversity, as star receiver Cooper Kupp was placed on injured reserve by the Rams on the eve of the season, and third round draft choice Mark Andrews missed week 1 with a quad injury.

With the odds stacked against them, Who is Aaron Jones turned to the heart and soul of their team for fantasy football deliverance, and he came through in a big way as Packers running back Aaron Jones posted an impressive 25.7 fantasy points. The team was also lifted by the perpetually horny Deshaun Watson, who chipped in another 20.66 fantasy points in the win.

When asked by Platooner sources if he felt like his club should still be considered the front runner to claim this season’s title, Nehikhuere gave his unit a word of confidence while alluding to some questionable in house medical exams:

“I took X-rays of each and every one of my guys, and they came back positive for “that dawg in em”. Great win for our squad even when we were undermanned. I like our chances this year.” Nehikhuere said.

Nehikhuere will look to get healthy and stay dangerous next week as he takes on Stephen Clines and Can You Field the Love Tonight, while Magner looks to earn his inaugural PPL victory at the expense of fellow league newcomer, Andrew Forey.

He Will Crush Your Team, and You Will Strike His Flex: Stone Cruises to Big Win as Heaven’s He roes Mash Evers, Cobra FC

The final week 1 matchup of the 2023 Pigskin Premier League season pitted two of the league’s most experienced managers against one another in Coby Evers of Cobra FC and Matt Stone of Heaven’s Heroes. Unfortunately for Evers, the manager’s seniority was about the only thing the two teams had in common, as his squad suffered a 44 point blowout at the hands of his old adversary.

Evers’ fantasy week actually started off fairly well, as running back David Montgomery (13.4 points) and receiver Amon-Ra St. Brown (16.1 points) kicked off the season with strong performances on Thursday Night Football. However, quarterback Lamar Jackson (6.56 points) and GOATed kicker Justin Tucker (5 points) were unable to continue the unit’s strong play, leading to a mediocre output from the Cobras.

Despite the loss, Evers was upbeat and positive as usual when speaking with the media about his team’s performance:

“You know what I always say. You can’t control the uncontrollable but what you can control is how you respond to those things. I expect nothing but my guys to bounce back. We saw some great things this week including the fact that I made the right decision to pass on Gibbs for Allen then take the much more used Montgomery 2 rounds later. I’m also very confident in my managing skills. I won all 3 of my other leagues knowing it’s not a skill issue on my part. I don’t see my team losing for a long time starting in week 2.” Evers said.

Evers went on to state that he believes his roster has the look of a championship contender:

“Yeah I think my team will be in the thick of it like Kyle Lowry.” he remarked.

On the other hand, nothing was mediocre about the performance Heaven’s Heroes put together in week 1. On a week where over half of the league failed to score 90 fantasy points, Stone’s unit led all teams with a 133.42 point explosion fueled by a 39 point effort from receiver Tyreek Hill and a monster 35 point night from the Dallas D/ST.

If there is anything to nitpick about Stone’s dominant showing, it’s the production of RB2 Najee Harris (4.3 points) and WR2 Tyler Lockett (2 points). If Heaven’s Heroes can continue to count on elite production from the rest of its starting lineup, Harris and Lockett returning to form would be devastating for the rest of the league.

Stone painted a picture of a unified locker room, hungry to avenge last season’s championship defeat while enticing Platooner reporters with details of a scandalous soapy sudsy celebration:

“Well let me tell you, there are a couple things that are true. The first is that this is far from our best football. We have no right winning with three starting RBs not accounting for a single rushing touchdown or breaking 35yds on the ground.The second is that defense wins championships. This defensive unit earned the respect of everyone in that locker room. Tyreek was already awarded the game ball and showering before the D/ST took the field! But he marched right back on that field, suds and all, and handed that game ball to the D. Funnily enough, they had already been gifted a full set of game balls courtesy of Danny Dimes.” Stone dished.

Evers will look to right the ship in week 2 against Mitch Cantway’s Sevin Dingleterry unit, while Stone faces a tough test in the form of Sam Dunegan and the Galveston Bay Muddy Waters.

Post-Draft Questions for Each Team: Part 1

Tue, 15 Aug 2023 00:41:30 GMT

The 2023 Pigskin Premier League draft weekend is officially in the books, and what a weekend it was! As expected, this year’s iteration of the draft proved to be absolute must watch entertainment, featuring similar levels of drama, intrigue, surprise, and cutthroat maneuvering as seasons 1-6 of Game of Thrones. Of course, based on the level of managerial talent and experience throughout the league, it should come as no surprise that all twelve clubs are expected to compete at the highest level for the PPL crown.

However, that does not mean that each and every manager does not have question marks surrounding their roster, and potential snags on their way to claiming the mantle of champion. So without further ado, let’s take a closer look at these rosters and identify one pivotal question that could make or break each team’s season.

The Fantasy Football Team: Can Javonte Williams Regain His Pre-Injury Form?

Rookie manager Mack Magner introduced himself to the league with a flurry of splashy moves on draft night that leave him with arguably the best quarterback/RB1 duo in the league (Bills QB Josh Allen, and 49ers running back Christian McCaffrey). After adding high upside receivers in Dolphins wideout Jaylen Waddle and Packers pass catcher Christian Watson, Magner’s bunch has the look of a well rounded squad poised to make noise in his inaugural PPL campaign.

In many ways however, the key to The Fantasy Football Team being able to separate itself from the pack this season is 7th round running back Javonte Williams.

Williams, still just 23 years old, was selected in the third round of most fantasy drafts last season, and when healthy remains entrenched atop Denver’s running back depth chart. As one of the few bright spots on a struggling Broncos offense last season, the hard charging Williams carried the ball at a more than respectable 4.3 yards per carry rate before suffering a season ending injury in Week 4.

Of course, ACL injuries for a running back are always cause for concern, but Williams is young and according to training camp reports, appears to have regained the juice that saw the former Tarheel nearly top 1,000 yards rushing as a rookie. Notably however, Denver brought in former Bengals running back Samaje Perine, whose pass catching and blocking abilities may siphon off important snaps for Williams, particularly if the latter takes his time ramping up to NFL speed out of the gate.

If Williams can regain his pre-injury form, Magner will have likely stolen a top 15 fantasy runner in the 7th round. However, with the risk of re-aggravating the injury a concern and Perine lurking, Williams is by no means a slam dunk flex play heading into the season.

Team Forey: Can Kirk Cousins Really Lead a Team to the Fantasy Football Playoffs?

Not to be outdone by his fellow rookie manager, Washington DC based gaffer Andrew Forey used his draft capital to assemble a solid lineup headlined by perennial fantasy stars Derrick Henry and Stefon Diggs, while integrating the youth and explosiveness of highly touted Lions rookie Jahmyr Gibbs. While it remains to be seen whether drafting two 49ers receiving targets (Deebo Samuel and George Kittle) will pay dividends, the bigger question Forey will need to answer surrounds his now Netflix-famous signal caller.

After missing out on many of the top names at the position, Forey selected Vikings quarterback Kirk Cousins in the 8th round of this season’s draft. Despite earning somewhat of a reputation for not showing up in big games, Cousins has been nothing but rock solid for fantasy owners of late, posting three consecutive top 11 finishes at the position.

Cousins excelled last season in many respects, tossing the fourth most passing yards and fifth most touchdowns in the league while showing great chemistry with star receiver Justin Jefferson and midseason acquisition TJ Hockensen. With Dalvin Cook out of the picture and rookie receiver Jordan Addison in the fold, proponents of Cousins are projecting another high quality fantasy finish from the chain-wearing passer.

Yet one could also take the position that Cousins only finished so highly last season because of injuries to other top play callers, including Justin Herbert, Lamar Jackson, and Dak Prescott. In addition, the departure of Cook may force Cousins into many more obvious passing situations this season, which could lead to more turnovers.

With a number of young quarterbacks on the rise and a number of veterans poised to rebound, where exactly Cousins ranks among the league’s elite may be the single most important factor governing the ceiling of Forey’s squad.

Sevin Dingleterry: Can the Giants Offense Support Three Quality Fantasy Players?

After drafting a league high three quarterbacks and basing most of his picks off of players with funny names last season, Sevin Dingleterry manager Mitch Cantway is hoping desperately to return his side to playoff contention and overall respectability this season. In selecting Raiders running back Josh Jacobs and Jags receiver Calvin Ridley, Cantway’s draft strategy shows he is more than willing to take his shot on high risk, high reward prospects that could turn into potential league winners.

Yet while the success of many PPL managers this season may be tied to an individual player, Cantway’s fantasy fortunes are heavily tied to an entire team: The New York Giants.

Few fans around the league batted an eye when Cantway selected Giants running back Saquon Barkley with the 9th overall pick. Equipped with a new contract and a healthy offseason, many are calling Barkley a great bet to repeat his dominant production from last season’s resurgent campaign where he finished as the RB5.

However, in addition to Barkley, Cantway went on to select new Giants tight end Darren Waller in the 5th round, and made Daniel Jones the final QB1 off the board in round 11. For his part, Waller profiles as the centerpiece of the Giants passing attack this season, lacking legitimate competition for targets from Big Blue’s other receiving options. However, Waller is also coming off an injury riddled campaign that saw him play in just 9 contests and amass only 388 receiving yards.

Meanwhile Jones utilized surprising ground production to finish 9th overall at the position in 2022, running for a Giants franchise record 708 yards last season. Yet with opposing defenses likely to game plan around Jones’ rushing prowess more this season, he will have to improve upon his paltry 15 touchdown passes to retain his status as a QB1.

All in all, Barkley, Waller, and Jones all have top 10 upside at their respective positions, and could easily prove worthwhile fantasy investments this season. But at the same time, Cantway is also at risk of this triumvirate vulturing fantasy points away from each other on a team that only finished 18th in total offense last season.

Flush Factory United: Will Jonathan Taylor Play for the Colts In 2023?

On the heels of back to back third place finishes, Flush Factory United manager Kenny Turner is hungry to make it over the hump this season and secure his place among the Pigskin Premier League champions. Turner’s draft featured a receiver-heavy approach, as the Dallas blonde secured the services of Jamarr Chase, Chris Olave, Deandre Hopkins, and Diontae Johnson with premium draft capital.

However, the make or break question for Turner’s club focuses instead on the running back position, namely Colts star Jonathan Taylor, who Turner selected in the third round of the draft.

Taylor’s talent is unquestioned, as the former Wisconsin Badger is only a year removed from recording an absurd 1,811 rushing yards to go along with 18 touchdowns, which he compiled in a relatively poor Colts offense.

However, a lot can happen in one year’s time, as offensive line woes and an ankle injury saw Taylor sputter to an RB33 finish last season after being drafted as the consensus number one pick across most leagues. While Taylor seems to have fully recovered from his injury, he has yet to practice with the Colts this offseason in hopes of securing a new long term contract or trade from the franchise. Despite head coach Shane Steichen’s recent optimism that Taylor will return to camp sooner rather than later, Taylor himself has yet to confirm that he will be suiting up for Indianapolis anytime soon.

If Taylor does play for the Colts this year and regains his otherworldly 2021 form, Turner may have the steal of the draft on his hands. Yet without a new deal, it remains to be seen whether Taylor will commit himself to play with rookie quarterback Anthony Richardson this season or if he will continue to holdout in hopes that a better opportunity presents itself.

Pop Lockett Drop It: Can Deshaun Watson Shake Off a Rusty 2022 Campaign?

As the dust of the 2023 PPL draft settles, it once again appears that Pop Lockett Drop It manager Tosa Nehikhuere is one step ahead of his league mates with ESPN projecting his team to repeat as champions this season. The reigning champion wasted little time in stacking his roster with talented pass catchers, including Cooper Kupp, Davante Adams, and Mark Andrews, with Aaron Jones and Isaiah Pacheco manning the starting running back spots.

With such a solid supporting cast in place, the biggest question surrounding Nehikhuere’s roster falls squarely on its most controversial player, Cleveland Browns quarterback Deshaun Watson.

Watson began the 2022 season by serving an 11 game suspension pursuant to the league’s investigation into allegations of sexual assault. Upon returning from suspension after the team’s week 12 bye, Watson looked every bit like a player who hadn’t taken the field since 2020, posting a dismal 79.1 passer rating while throwing 5 interceptions to just 7 touchdowns.

There is room for optimism with Watson’s fantasy outlook however, as the former Texan rattled off three conservative top 5 finishes prior to missing the 2021 season. With a full offseason to participate in team activities and build chemistry with new receivers Elijah Moore and Cedric Tillman, Watson could be set up for a big rebound this season.

If Watson is able to shake off the rust he played through last season and return to his status as a top 5 fantasy quarterback, it is difficult to see anyone slowing down the freight train that is Pop Lockett Drop It. But the risk that Watson just can’t pull it together is certainly there, and if so Nehikhuere’s unit might be reduced to playing the weekly streaming game at the league’s most important position.

King’s Landing United: Is Jahan Dotson a Legitimate WR2?

Now the man who claimed the first overall selection in the 2023 PPL draft, King’s Landing United manager Jake Sawyer. Sawyer’s first few picks surprised virtually no one, as he grabbed superstar talent Justin Jefferson with the first overall selection, and followed up by adding Bengals running back Joe Mixon (a perennial stalwart on Sawyer’s rosters) and Eagles quarterback Jalen Hurts at the 2-3 turn.

While Sawyer’s draft began with a well rounded, balanced approach, his selections of James Connor, Rachaad White, and Kyle Pitts left his WR2 roster spot open until the 73rd overall pick in the draft, which the veteran gaffer used to select Washington Commanders second-year receiver Jahan Dotson. Granted, when Justin Jefferson is your WR1, you can get away with slightly less production out of your WR2 position most weeks. But, if Sawyer intends to establish himself among the top teams in the league this season, he’ll need a dependable solution opposite “JJ.”

The name of the game for Dotson in 2022 was simply staying healthy. When fit and firing, Dotson reeled in an impressive 7 touchdown catches in just 12 full games, and scored in double figures in 6 matches. However, Dotson missed 5 games in his rookie season, which drove his value down significantly in rankings across a number of leagues this season.

On top of health concerns, Dotson will likely be catching passes from fellow second-year pro Sam Howell, a totally unproven commodity in the NFL. Further, he remains entrenched as the No. 2 pass catching option behind Terry McLaurin, on an offense that wants to emphasize the run game more in 2023.

Overall, Dotson possesses a rare blend of refined route running and raw talent to beat opposing defenses in a variety of ways down the field, and if he can get on the same page with Howell, he could certainly provide Sawyer with a reliable second target. However, health concerns, as well as issues with the quality and volume of his targets may hold him back from the type of production playoff rosters require.

Post-Draft Questions for Each Team: Part 2

Tue, 15 Aug 2023 00:41:29 GMT

Heaven’s Heroes: Can Alexander Mattison Approach Dalvin Cook Production?

While the Pigskin Premier League follows half point PPR scoring standards, the case can easily be made that it’s still a running backs league. Perhaps no manager leaned into this idea in the 2023 PPL draft more effectively than Heaven’s Heroes manager Matt Stone, who followed up his first round selection of Tyreek Hill with three consecutive running backs: Rhamondre Stevenson, Najee Harris, and the Platooner’s player of interest for this club, Alexander Mattison.

Mattison saw his fantasy stock boom sharply this offseason after the Vikings decided against bringing the reliable Dalvin Cook back for 2023. Mattison’s investors point to his strong track record of success in games Cook missed due to injury, as he posted six games of 20 touches and 20 fantasy points filling in for the former Seminole over the past four seasons.

In addition, Mattison should still have plenty of tread left on his tires, as he has just 474 touches to his name in the NFL, as compared to Cook, who recently cracked 1,500 touches. However, Mattison’s athletic profile leaves much to be desired, and even as Cook’s efficiency waned last season, Mattison was unable to earn an uptick in carries.

On top of this, three of Mattison’s great games filling in for Cook came against a putrid Detroit defense, and given the high expectations for this Vikings offense, the reigning NFC North champs remain a real threat to add another, potentially more dynamic runner in free agency.

With two great running backs already on his roster, Stone passed on several talented receivers and tight ends to select Mattison in the 4th round of the draft. His choice to do so will either solidify his flex spot for the season, or leave him scrambling for less inspiring fill in options.

Keeping Up With the Joneses: Can Garrett Wilson and Travis Kelce Buy Enough Tim e for Adcock’s RBs?

With the benefit of a year of PPL experience under his belt, Keeping Up With the Joneses manager Keaton Adcock is looking to take a big step forward as a franchise in 2023. If he is able to do so this season, it will be thanks to a highly unorthodox draft day strategy involving Adcock selecting three different running backs who are in line to be unavailable to start the season.

Unphased by the possibility that he may not be ready for Week 1, Adcock selected New York Jets running back Breece Hall 30th overall. While Hall’s ACL recovery has been on track for the most part, recent reports state that the second year standout has yet to participate in contact drills and may operate on a reduced workload to begin the season.

Adcock followed this move by selecting Saints rusher Alvin Kamara in the 6th round, and free agent running back Dalvin Cook in the 7th round***. With the former slated to serve a three game suspension to begin the season and the latter still in search of an NFL contract, Adcock finds himself in the unenviable position of featuring three running backs unlikely to contribute up to their usual standards in the first month of the PPL season.

In the meantime, Adcock is set to rely heavily on second year wide receiver Garrett Wilson and fantasy football phenom Travis Kelce for production as he looks to weather the storm. Wilson, who turned 23 last month, oozes breakout potential with future Hall of Famer Aaron Rodgers now dealing targets his way. Barring an injury, the former Buckeye should have no trouble besting the 1,103 yards and 4 touchdowns he produced last season.

With Kelce, it should be business as usual once again as the boisterous tight end is set to line up as Patrick Mahomes undisputed top target once more. While the Mark Andrews’ and TJ Hockenson’s of the world may take a step up towards Kelce’s level of production this season, the Chiefs pass catcher remains the most obvious lock in fantasy football lineups across the league.

If Wilson and Kelce can hold down the proverbial fort while Adcock’s running backs work their way back into the lineup, this roster could make a strong run at the playoffs this season. However, a few off weeks from those foundational pieces, and Adcock’s group could be packing their bags for Cancun early this season.

*** Disclaimer: Shortly after this piece became generally available, Dalvin Cook signed a 1 year deal with the New York Jets. Frankly this does not change the tough running back outlook for Adcock, as he now rosters two Jets running backs, both of whom were selected in the first half of the PPL Draft.

Frosty Flights FC: Will Any of the WR2 Options Pan Out?

After missing the playoffs last season, it appears that Frosty Flights FC manager Hunter Tormey is at least attempting to learn from mistakes made last year. After struggling for production at the quarterback and running back positions for much of 2022, Tormey invested significant draft capital to shore up last season’s weak points by bringing in Bengals quarterback Joe Burrow along with star running backs Nick Chubb and Travis Etienne Jr.

However, heavy investments at one position require sacrifices at others, and for Tormey, the position group left up in the air this season appears to be wide receiver. To that end, Tormey added last season’s WR6, AJ Brown, with the 15th overall selection. Outside of Brown however, guaranteed production at receiver might prove difficult to come across this season for Tormey.

The prime candidates to win the WR2 job on Tormey’s roster include 5th round selection Chris Godwin, 6th round choice Drake London, and 8th rounder George Pickens. Of those three, Godwin has operated at a higher level for longer, having topped 840 receiving yards and 60 catches in every season of his six year career other than his rookie year. However, with Baker Mayfield and/or Kyle Trask at the helm of the Buccaneers offense in 2023, there is plenty to suggest that Godwin may be unable to live up to his typical high floor this season.

London and Pickens are both second year prospects who showed big flashes of potential in year 1. However, both are also at the mercy of an inconsistent second year quarterback in a run-first offense. In addition, both struggled to find the end zone in 2022, with each player snagging only four touchdowns on the season.

If Godwin, London, or Pickens can consistently provide WR2 numbers in support of AJ Brown, Tormey finds himself in charge of a unit full of potential that could cause real problems for nearly any team. However, it is just as likely that his WR2 position remains an underwhelming carousel of mediocrity throughout the season.

Very Mad: What If Cam Akers Underwhelms?

Last season, Very Mad manager Sam Dunegan was widely accused of having the worst draft in the league, a proposition that Dunegan did little to disprove based on his finish in the final league table. However, this season Dunegan put off drafting a defense until the 15th round and focused his attention on crafting a robust receiver room and acquiring dynamic playmakers such as Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes and Chargers running back Austin Ekeler.

Coming off a career season in which he posted a stat line of 915 rushing yards, 722 receiving yards, and 18 total touchdowns, Ekeler’s ceiling may well be the ceiling itself as new offensive coordinator Kellen Moore is set to take over a rapidly ascending offense.

However, significant questions remain as to whether Dunegan has sufficient running back reinforcements behind Ekeler to make a serious run at PPL glory. Presently, Dunegan rosters only LA Rams running back Cam Akers and newly signed Patriots running back Ezekiel Elliott behind the all-purpose Ekeler.

With Elliott needing time to get comfortable in his new NFL home, Akers, a fourth year pro out of Florida State, is under immense pressure to produce for Dunegan’s squad. A third round pick in last season’s fantasy draft, Akers topped 10 fantasy points only twice through the first 14 weeks of the season last year, and at times fell completely out of favor with wonderkid coach Sean McVay.

However, toward the end of the season Akers came on strong, commanding over 15 touches and scoring just under 17 fantasy points per game over the last six contests of 2022. Without significant competition for a role in the Rams backfield, Akers should be in line for a healthy dose of touches in 2023.

If Akers can regain his 4+ yards per carry level of efficiency in 2023, he should prove to be a rock solid RB2 for Dunegan’s club this season. However, if Akers should get hurt or if his production dips, this Very Mad team may find itself hard pressed to acquire suitable RB2 production.

It’s Okay I’m Just In Her Bert: Can Justin Fields Maintain His Rushing Production While Staying Healthy?

One of the more well rounded teams assembled in the 2023 PPL draft belongs to It’s Okay I’m Just In Her Bert manager Stephen Clines. Bijan Robinson and Tony Pollard lead a solid group of running backs, while Devonta Smith, Jerry Jeudy, TJ Hockensen, and Mike Evans serve as above average starting receiving options.

Under center for Clines’ squad is Chicago Bears quarterback Justin Fields, who burst onto the fantasy football scene last season after Week 6, rushing for an astounding 1,143 yards and 8 scores. As a passer, Fields saw his touchdown numbers jump from 7 in his rookie season, to 17 in year two.

With the addition of DJ Moore in the off-season, a case can certainly be made that Fields’ passing numbers will continue to climb in year 3, but at this point what sets him apart is still his unbelievable rushing ability. If Fields can replicate last season’s ground production and throw 5-6 more touchdowns, he has a real chance to finish as a top 3 quarterback in 2023.

But as impressive as Fields has been running the football up to this point in his NFL career, one has to question when (not if) it will begin to take a toll on him physically. Last season, Fields missed time with a separated shoulder, and his campaign was ultimately cut short by a hip injury. While neither injury is cause for concern heading into this season, they represent the type of knocks that run-first quarterbacks can pick up over a season that begin to add up over years of NFL play. In addition to getting dinged up on rushing plays last season, Fields also tied the league high with 55 sacks taken last year, and little has been done to correct that issue from a protection standpoint at this time.

If Fields is able to maintain his elite rushing floor and improve his passing, Clines will be extremely difficult to beat this season. However, if the Bears playmaker ends up on the shelf for an extended period of time, Clines will have to resort to the waiver wire or give up contributors at other positions to right the ship.

Cobra FC: Can James Cook and David Montgomery Provide Enough RB Production?

Few Pigskin Premier League managers know how to find depth at running back better than San Angelo based manager Coby Evers, whose selection of Saquon Barkley in the third round of last year’s draft strongly contributed to his team’s impressive regular season success. This season however, critics of Evers’ squad once again allege that the experienced coach waited too long to get into the running back market in the draft.

After forming a top tier pass catching trio of CeeDee Lamb, Amon-Ra St. Brown, and Keenan Allen, and grabbing an elite quarterback in Lamar Jackson, Evers selected running backs James Cook and David Montgomery with back to back selections at the 5-6 turn.

In selecting Cook, Evers seems to be banking on the youngsters potential as a pass catcher coming to fruition this season. In 2022, Cook struggled to earn touches in a backfield timeshare with Devin Singleterry and Zach Moss, finishing the season with the only three games of double figure fantasy scoring, and the same number of games with less than 1 fantasy point. However, the second-year player out of Georgia showed promise with the touches he did receive, and reports from training camp suggest he may be heavily involved as a three down, pass catching running back this season.

With Montgomery on the other hand, Evers is hoping to cash in on Detroit’s top tier offense and strong tendency to run the ball around the goal line. Last season as the Lions goal line back, Jamaal Williams scored a league high 17 rushing touchdowns, a role which Montgomery seems poised to fill in 2023. However, promising rookie Jahmyr Gibbs looks to be the back to have in the Motor City, and has looked far more explosive and shifty than Montgomery in camp thus far.

There are definitely upside cases to be made for both Cook and Montgomery heading into the 2023 season, with consistent starting caliber production a possibility for both backs. However, both players come with little to no guarantees as far as usage is concerned, and without strong showings from both on a routine basis, Evers will struggle to match the RB production of other clubs.

Platooner'22: Week 5 Recap

Tue, 08 Aug 2023 15:19:27 GMT

Laughing to the Bank: Comedy Show Ekelers Cash In on Big Days from Hurts, Ekeler, But is Adcock the Real Winner?

There is arguably nothing more frustrating for a dedicated Poople manager than good players failing to produce solid performances. But what separates the truly elite Poople managers from the rest is the ability to work around these unfortunate occurrences and put up quality numbers anyway.

That’s exactly what Comedy Show Ekelers gaffer Kenny Turner was able to do in week 5, posting over 139 fantasy points despite a paltry performance from star wide receiver Amon-Ra St. Brown (3.8 fantasy points). The team’s dominate display in week 5 was led by namesake Austin Ekeler (33.9 fantasy points), who has been picking up major fantasy steam over the past few weeks in an effort to live up to his second overall pick valuation coming into the season.

Turner applauded his team’s resolve in the wake of devastating news regarding RB2 Javonte Williams (out for the season):

“What a win?! The stars of this team went out and put on a show for our fans! Jalen, ekeler, and Andrews really picking up the slack after javonte went down for the season. Message to the team was enjoy this one tonight, but I’ll see you in the morning as we move on to the Olave Garden. That’s a good team that will show up and give us their best shot!”

Turner’s win comes against Keeping Up with The Jones and honorable manager Keaton Adcock, whose unit failed to produce a 20 point scorer against the three fielded by Turner.

Adcock kept it short and sweet in responding to questions about his team’s underwhelming week 5 performance:

“When you can’t change the circumstance, change your attitude! We’ll get ‘em next time.”

While Adcock elected to keep his post game comments professional, sources tell the Platooner that Adcock may have had a very interesting reason for not keeping his full attention on his lineup this week.

“I’ll be honest, I didn’t have my best week this week” says Packers running back Aaron Jones (9 points). “I was expecting Coach Adcock to lay into me after the game, but he said he had a date to go on. I can’t be sure but I think I heard him mumbling something about a hard launch as well on his way out. Either way, I’m just glad I didn’t have to run my usual laps!”

While many may chalk this loss up to elite play from the Comedy Show Ekelers, many managers across the league may be wondering whether Adcock will be able to mix new love and fantasy, a truly intriguing proposition. As usual, only time will tell.

Where’s the D?: Lets Get Some Doubs Continues to Roll While Dunegan Blames Texas-OU Hangover

It doesn’t take long for skillful fantasy managers to come up with any number of excuses for not winning a weekly matchup. Injuries, random players scoring a stupid number of points, and bye week issues are all reasonable explanations as to why a team fell short of reaching fantasy glory. However, after losing to Let’s Get Some Doubs in week 5, Give em that Bills D(ST) manager Sam Dunegan proposed a truly unprecedented explanation for his team’s failures.

“The TXOU hangover was apparent in our team. Shout out to my second string who played well and definitely made strong cases to be on the field next week. We just gotta keep grinding and pushing. All it takes is one diamond from the waiver wire to push us over the edge.”

Dunegan, true to his word, has been active on the waiver wire since making these comments to Platooner sources, adding the Packers defense, while dropping former lineup stalwarts Aaron Rodgers and Brandin Cooks.

On the flipside, Lets Get Some Doubs boss Matt Stone praised his team’s consistency over the past few games, while keeping his focus on the opponent in front of him in week 6:

“Thankful for the great match up, glory to God for the Doub! I’m excited that the boys have brought it over 130 for the second week in a row. I’m looking forward to a quality match up against the boys under Steve-o. Eyes on the prize baby!”

Stone will no doubt be glad to deploy Davante Adams (25.9 fantasy points) in week 6 as he did in week 5, but the all-world receivers future remains in doubt with the possibility of a suspension looming after Adams shoved a credentialed member of the media to the ground after a frustrating loss at the hands at the Kansas City Chiefs. It will be up to Stone to improvise, adapt, and overcome, particularly as the bye week season casts itself over Poople.

Pop Lockett Win It: Nehikhuere Gets Back to Winning Ways in Week 5 Behind Four 25 points Scorers

Sometimes in Poople, it’s just simply about getting hot at the right time. And if getting hot is the standard, Pop Lockett Drop It manager Tosa Nehikhuere’s troops put forth an absolutely sizzling performance in week 5.

Backed by big performances from QB Josh Allen (35.16 points), Travis Kelce (30 points), Derrick Henry (26.2 points), and Tyler Lockett (24.9 points), Nehikhuere went on to capture an elusive victory in week 5, his first since the season opener nearly a month ago. His 141.86 fantasy points ranked highest in the league this week.

Like his Give em That Bills D(ST) counterpart, Nehikhuere referenced his beloved Longhorns in his post game commentary on the heels of their utter drubbing of pathetic rival OU:

“Just like Texas football, it feels good to be back. Let’s ride. All gas no brakes.”

For Olave Garden manager Hunter Tormey, this season has looked a lot more like no gas, all brakes, as his team limps into week 6 with a league worst 1-4 record. In Pop Lockett Drop It, Tormey’s squad faced the team that scored the most points in the league for the second consecutive week this season.

Tormey seemed exasperated when asked about his team’s performance:

“I don’t know what the answer is at this point. I have elite players at every position other than QB, and arguably the deepest team in the league. But I guess I’ve become the Chicago Bulls in the Jordan years for this league, getting everyone’s best game of the season every time our squad laces em up. Don’t get it twisted though bruv, we’ll be holding the trophy at the end of the season.”

Tormey and company have a long way to go to make that happen, but if there is any justice whatsoever in the fantasy football world, he should return to victory soon.

Dingle Bell Rock: Cantway, Sevin Dingleterry Cruise as Clines Lineup Goes Soft in Her Bert

Many things are life are meant to be soft. Pillows. Blankies. Your favorite hoodie. But one thing that is absolutely not meant to be soft in the world of Poople is your lineup. Unfortunately, that happened to be the case for Its Okay I’m Just in Her Bert manager Stephen Clines, whose unit put forth an absolutely flaccid performance in week 5.

Scoring a league low 50.12 fantasy points, Clines looked on his players up and down his lineup absolutely sold. Banking on the hope of a brighter future, Clines seems to be ready to put week 5 behind him and move forward.

“It’s times like these where a weaker man might throw in the towel, but I am not one of those men. I’m not going to sugarcoat how bad I did. It was awful, and I’m always a little embarrassed after L’s like this. But I believe my team is right on the cusp of something great, we just need to put it together.”

Meanwhile, Sevin Dingleterry manager Mitchell Cantway pulled off a surprising week 5 win, despite having multiple starting players score 0 points on the week (Tee Higgins, Darren Waller). An impressive performance from Dalvin Cook (25.1 points) and Justin Tucker (16 points) kept Cantway afloat, though the savvy manager admitted his teams issues when asked about the matchup:

“it’s like Lizzo told me, truth hurts (which coincidentally would be an incredible name for Kenny’s fantasy team). Considering the with the points I scored, I would’ve lost to basically every other team in the league, I can say with a fair degree of certainty that I am, in fact, bad.”

Cantway will look to stay in the win column against Mixon a Kupp of Mostert in week 6, with the hopes of improved performance from his club.

First Time for Everything: Evers Suffers First Loss of Poople Campaign at the Hands of Sawyer

Unbeaten no more! Three Eyed Ravens manager Coby Evers’ impressive run throughout Poople came to an end in week 5 as his team suffered its first loss of the season. Evers, who spent most of the critical Sunday evening under the influence of several whiskey maple smashes, seemed more keen on defending the likes of Panthers QB Baker Mayfield than the performance of his team, sparking a debate that would divide Poople managers for the better part of a few days.

Nevertheless, Evers commented at length on his team’s failure to make it a five out of five start to the season:

“Even the greats have to learn from their mistakes. I knew it was coming but that said, it won’t happen again any time soon. We’re still number 1 and will continue to be that all year long until we’re holding up the trophy. Anything else is a failure for us. While we’re other people’s super bowl in regular season games.”

The victor of this week 5 bout, Mixon a Kupp of Mostert manager Jake Sawyer delivered a very interesting analysis of both his adversary’s shortcomings and his own successes in the must-see matchup between the two clubs:

“I’m not surprised. No one should be surprised. I said from the beginning that I would beat him… this so called “villain” of the league was just a side quest all along. He’s done being lucky. I did this for the good of the broader Poople organization. The last thing I’ll say about my opponent is that his skill is very similar to that of panthers QB Baker Mayfield. Ha!

A great performance from players though. Lenny and Mahomey really stepped up this week in place of my apparent absentee Lions players. Looking forward to the next few weeks when I play more capable and threatening opponents!”

The aforementioned Mahomes (30.48 fantasy points) and Fournette (30.9 points) carried the load for Sawyer’s squad in week 5, accounting for nearly half of his total points on the week. After improving to 3-0 after a heavily scrutinized trade with Sevin Dingleterry, Sawyer will no doubt somehow sleep peacefully at night heading into a week 6 matchup with his former trade partner Cantway.

Platooner'22: Week 4 Recap

Tue, 08 Aug 2023 15:15:03 GMT

Doubs on Doubs: #SpankingsforDeebo Works to Perfection as Stone Solidifies Second Plac

In this culturally sensitive era we live in, opinions on spanking have changed drastically over the years. It’s possible that many Poople managers grew up in households where spanking was a legitimate form of discipline, though many parents are opting for alternative forms of punishment for childhood malfeasance. One thing that the science does support however is that spanking is very effective at adjusting attitudes and altering performance.

This might explain Deebo Samuel’s signature performance of the year so far, a 20.7 point explosion that coupled with a huge 22 points from the 49ers defense allowed Let’s Get Some Doubs Manager Matt Stone to improve to 3-1 on the season with a victory over former revolutionary and Sevin Dingleterry manager Mitchell Cantway. For Cantway, 22.9 points from running back Dameon Pierce and 21.9 points from receiver Tee Higgins proved too little, as he sinks to 1-3 on the campaign.

When confronted on his questionable history with the #JusticeForMatt movement, Cantway had this to say:

“I intentionally threw the game to continue to demonstrate my commitment to the #JusticeForMatt movement. I’m honestly surprised that no one called out Coby for beating Matt and thereby showing his lack of commitment to justice and abject moral depravity.”

The door at least seems open for a reconciliation between Stone and the Sri Lanka international Cantway, but as always only time will tell if the relationship can be mended.

On the other hand, in victory, Stone kept his attention on his long term goals, and had this to say about the future of his club as he sees it:

“The ceiling and the goal are the same for this team. We’re looking at that two week championship match up. No reason to aim for anything lower. We put together a pretty good week, put up the second highest points in week 4. I’m feeling good about where we’re sitting going into the next week. If we can pull out a win against Sam’s D, I’ll come home a very satisfied manager.”

Stone will look to continue his winning ways and satisfy himself even more against Dunegan’s dynamic D in a week five clash that will no doubt prove who was the superior Ignite director.

Jonesing For a Win: Elite Teamwork and Balanced Attack the Key for Adcock’s Week 4 Win over Tosa

Balance is everything in life. Poople managers know that being able to manage the good things with the bad can go a long way in terms of creating a healthy and sustainable lifestyle and fantasy team. Keeping Up With the Jones manager Keaton Adcock took this valuable message to heart in Week 4, bringing balance to the force and defeating adversary Tosa Nehikhuere of Pop Lockett Drop It with seven starters scoring 12.3 fantasy points or more.

On the heels of a very well rounded win, Adcock spoke with Platooner sources about his hopes and dreams, as well as his expectations for the remainder of the fantasy season.

“I certainly believe a championship season is realistic. The league is full of talented Poople, so we may still lose some battles along the way. Standard season, I’d like us to finish out 7-4, but more importantly want us to be holding a trophy after the playoffs.”

Led by quarterback Kyler Murray and running back Christian McCaffrey, Adcock will do battle with the likes of Kenny Turner and the Comedy Show Ekelers in week 5.

On the flipside, Pop Lockett Drop It continued as 3 game slide, falling to 1-3 on the season. With running back Derrick Henry firmly on track (22.2 fantasy points) and quarterback Josh Allen cooking (23.52 points), it’s been difficult to analyze Nehikhuere’s early season struggles. He’ll certainly hope for improvement going forward, saying this about the immediate future of his team:

“I’m looking to eat a W. It’s now or never. Comeback szn.”

Pop Lockett Drop It will look to begin their comeback run against Olive Garden manager Hunter Tormey in week 5. He’ll likely be successful.

Clutch McGee: Sawyer Enjoys Big Day from Hockensen, Claims Victory Over Tormey

Poople managers rely on many different skills and abilities to win games in this cutthroat league. Some use their superior tactical abilities. Others use strong disciplinary practices to compel players to simply be better. But for 1 Gay 1 Kupp manager Jake Sawyer, he simply relies on being clutch.

Perhaps the clutchest play of the fantasy week came in the form of Sawyer starting Lions tight end TJ Hockensen, who put up an eye popping 35.9 fantasy points against the Seahawks defense. Hockensen’s heroics were only part of the story for Sawyer though, as his team went on to put up a truly absurd 151.76 fantasy points on the week setting a new benchmark for most points scored this season.

“Turns out it wasn’t even close”, Sawyer stated after his second win of the season, one that comes at the expense of longtime rival and Olave Garden manager Hunter Tormey.

Tormey, off to a historically unlucky start, noted potential divine intervention as both the reason for his slow start to the fantasy season, and inspiration for his team’s name change.

“I truly think God did not want me to win this week, that’s the only possible explanation for that type of result. Jake has never scored that many points in his life, and never will again. The only thing I can think of to explain my awful start is that the name “Griddy Gods” is bringing some bad energy to my club. So I want to publicly announce now that there is but one God, and his name is certainly not Justin Jefferson or Hunter Tormey.”

Tormey and his newly named Olave Garden squad will look to bake up a nice win next week against Pop Lockett Drop It, who also sit at 1-3 on the season.

Laughingstock of the Week: Comedy Show Ekelers Railed by Tyreek Hill, Give Em That Bill D/ST

One reason people historically love comedy shows is that it distracts us from reality for a moment. We’re allowed to leave our stress and problems at the door, and simply laugh at funny people doing and saying funny things. What a concept! Yet perhaps Comedy Show Ekelers manager Kenny Turner should’ve been a little more in tune with reality in week 4, as his team mustered only 88.06 fantasy points against Give Em That Bills D/ST manager Sam Dunegan.

On the bright side, second overall pick Austin Ekeler got going in a big way on Sunday, tallying 31.9 fantasy points, easily his best performance of the season. Turner acknowledged Ekeler’s strong performance, though it seems he failed to take notes from Olave Garden gaffer Tormey in leaving spiritual references alone in a fantasy football context:

“Well any week you are missing our lord and savior Amon Ra to an injury, it’s gonna be tough to put up points. Injury and being on bad teams has really affected our team. Hoping to get healthier and better by next week. I did want to also show some love to Ekeler, who finally performed up to his draft position last week. Hoping to see more of that as well.”

Meanwhile, Dunegan earned his second win of the season thanks to the efforts of receivers Tyreek Hill (20.9 points) and CeeDee Lamb (18.7 points). However, the reigning champion was equal parts pleased with the victory and concerned for his star player after the win:

“I think it’s like 40 my team showing up and 60 bad injury luck for Kenny. But man Hill does love to ball out in support of concussed boys. But the biggest question for me is what happened to Jonathan Taylor…”

With Taylor already listed as Out for the week, reserve running back Travis Etienne is slated to make his first start for Dunegan since week 1. Will he step up in his new role when Dunegan needs him most?

Quoth the Raven, Nevermore: Evers Stays Unbeaten Behind Strong Running Back Play

On January 29, 1845 American poet Edgar Allen Poe penned one of the most famous pieces of American literature in history, The Raven. In this gripping piece of art, Poe mourns the fact that we can never truly hang on to what we have or who we love in this world. Yet for Three Eyed Ravens manager Coby Evers, holding onto an unbeaten streak to start the fantasy football season is exactly what he’s continued to do.

Evers impressed many doubters around the league in week 4, defeating Its Okay In Just In Her Bert manager Stephen Clines for his fourth win in four to begin the Poople 8.0 campaign.

Running backs Saquon Barkley (17.2 points) and Clyde Edwards Helaire (21.9 points) showed up big time for Evers, whose running back group received a lot of scrutiny in the offseason.

Shockingly, Evers could not be reached for comment on his week 4 win by Platooner sources, but the wily veteran manager was quick to take a shot at his week 5 opponent, 1 Gay 1 Kupp manager Jake Sawyer when provoked.

“Yeah Jake it’s insane that I get lucky but I have the highest PF. But that’s all I’ll say and let my team kicking your ass this week do the rest of the talking.”

Taking the loss this week was Clines, a manager dealing with some difficult injury issues early in the season. Speaking on his need to get healthy as a team, Clines also strongly hinted at openness to a potential trade centered around a quality running back;

“I need swift back so bad. I’m putting it out there that I’m in desperate need of a running back, however let it be known I will lose the rest of my games before I get trade robbed.”

You truly have to respect the honor in that statement, any Poople manager worth their salt would rather go 0-11 in the regular season than get fleeced in a trade. But the question is, will the deal oriented Clines be able to pull off a swap?

Platooner'22: Week 3 Recap

Tue, 08 Aug 2023 15:09:42 GMT

Bran the (Un)Broken: Self Proclaimed League Villain Defeats Stone, Remains Unbeaten

Those Poople managers who also happen to be Game of Thrones enthusiasts likely look back on the figure of Bran the Broken as a tragic, but rather cringey individual. “I’m not a man anymore, I’m a raven!” Really dog? You’re a literal raven? Nah. But because Bran had the best stories to tell and a life experience that would help shape his no doubt illustrious rule, he was selected to be king of Westeros.

Meanwhile, three weeks into this season of Poople, it looks as though Three Eyed Ravens manager Coby Evers has set himself up to become king of Poople as the league’s only unbeaten team. However instead of stories of getting pushed out a window for watching incest, the secret to Evers’ success appears to be balanced performances from role players, and a steady diet of huge numbers from stars Saquon Barkley (20.6 points) and Stefon Diggs (WR1 this season).

When asked about how it feels to be the only unbeaten team remaining in this vaunted league, Evers went on a tirade reminiscent of Homelander’s “I’m Better!” speech in The Boys.

“In the words of wise philosopher Lavar Ball: “UNDEFEATED NEVAH LOST” I think I’ll be saying those words for a long time this year. Some people will say I’m too “short” minded but I’m truly taking this one week at a time and know that’s what it takes to make a deep run. I just know that I’m the hardest to beat right now. Not only are we the only team that hasn’t lost, I’m also first in PF. It’s funny to me that I’ve only won manager of the week once and looks like I’ll lose this week. It’s kind of like Lebron you know? When he can win every MVP they start getting bored and handing them out to Mickey Mouse MVPs only to make the others feel good about themselves. Again, I’m excited, but not surprised and not satisfied yet. Anything less than a championship would be a disappointing season. Looking forward to a nice clash with Clines this week and I’m not taking him lightly. I need to continue to make the right decisions on my deep lineup and setting my guys up for success and we’ll be just fine.”

Evers’ opponent, Matt Stone suffered his first loss of the season in Week 3, thanks to a solid yet uninspiring performance from his troops. When asked to assess his team’s week 3 performance, Stone had this to say:

“You know, it was a solid week, no truly bad performances, but in this league you can’t expect to win on solid weeks. We need someone to step up and have those stand out performances. I’m waiting to see who on this team shows real heart, real grit, that will put this team over the top.”

The answer to some of Stone’s questions may come in the form of newly acquired players Davante Adams (11.7 points) and Drake London (12.9 points), both of whom are off to excellent fantasy starts this season as top 12 fantasy receivers. Only time will tell. In the meantime, will we see #SpankingsforDeebo?

Does Defense Win Championships?: Led by Lamar, Cantway Tallies Victory while Dunegan, Bills D fall

In real life, the answer is of course yes. Consider the Super Bowl last season, where Aaron Donald terrorized Joe Burrow and the Bengals offensive line for four quarters, leading the a Rams Super Bowl victory. Perhaps even look to the hoops world, where grit and tenacious defense propelled a team of destiny, the 2011 Dallas Mavericks, to NBA immortality.

But fantasy football is a different story, or so it seems. Give Em That Bills D (/ST) manager Sam Dunegan might be learning that the hard way this season, and his top ranked Bills D/ST put up just 4 points in week 3, as part of a holistically underwhelming showing. When asked about his team’s struggles in week 3, Dunegan responded:

“Our team is as good as the Bills D strong and had a very off week. Also we didn’t respond to the challenge of facing the league manipulator, Mitchell Cantfindalegalwaytowinway.”

The so called “Washed King” Dunegan’s shot at Cantway is the first to be reported by the Platooner, yet sources say many around the league have privately voiced displeasure with Cantway’s recent tactics.

“Oh Mitch completely sold.” an anonymous source tells the Platooner. “I guess Justice for Matt means Lamar for Mitch?”

Cantway on the other hand kept it short and sweet in victory, saying only “ball don’t lie.”

Cantway’s cavalier response to accusations and adversity comes on the heels of dominant showings from newly acquired Lamar Jackson (39.42 points) and AJ Brown (17 points), which pushed his team to victory on the week. Clearly Cantway is having success with his new players, but this sports journalist wonders if in doing so, he dishonors the cause he once vocally and unambiguously supported.

Can’t Take a Joke: Comedy Show Ekelers Ride Hot Hurts Start to a Win over Pop Lockett Drop It

One thing that we can all agree on about comedy shows is they don’t always hit for everyone. Some may love watching comedic greats such as George Carlin and Richard Pryor, but are unable to stomach new comedic flavors such as Bert Kreischer or Chris D’Elia. Others prefer to watch John Mulaney animatedly prance around the stage but couldn’t be paid to sit through Anthony Jeselnik’s slow and measured deliveries.

Regardless of which style you prefer, we can also all agree that Comedy Show Ekelers manager Kenny Turner found himself laughing all the way to a win in week 3 behind great fantasy weeks from Jalen Hurts (27 points) and and tight end Mark Andrews (24.9 points).

Keeping it classy as always, the newly minted Manager of the Week praised Pop Lockett Drop It manager Nehikhuere and his players:

“I’ve got nothing but respect for the Pop Lockett players and coach. It was a great, hard fought matchup, and when it counted, my stars showed up. I have some tough conversations to have with my RBs this week, but I expect them to respond going forward.”

Nehikhuere, for his part, showed grace to his players after a losing effort in week 3, saying:

“Anyone woulda lost that matchup, so I can’t really be mad at my guys. Just gotta keep rolling with the punches. Hopefully we have more luck this week.”

One thing Nehikhuere has to be pleased to see is a rebound performance from star running back Derrick Henry, who put up 22.6 fantasy points in what is by far and away his best effort of the season. Nehikhuere will look to rebound himself against Keeping Up with The Jones’ in week 4, and their fearless leader Keaton Adcock

Dancing on a Grave: Tormey Shrugs off Historically Bad Performance as Clines Picks Up Free Win

Sometimes in life you just need to be in the right place at the right time. For example, the guy who ended up with what we thought was Tom Brady’s last touchdown pass football parlayed it into season tickets, signed jerseys, and ten minutes of internet notoriety. Others in the past have turned being at the right place in the right time into a career, a huge financial opportunity, or even a presidency.

In week 3 of Poople this season however, It’s Okay I’m Just In Her Bert manager Stephen Clines settled for a win when he found himself in the right place at the right time against the Griddy Gods. Despite scoring just over 88 fantasy points on the week, Clines picked up what could be his most comfortable win of the season.

Clines made it clear his team needs to improve, but was thankful to pick up the win where he could this week:

“Listen, a wins a win. My team took a step back this week, but we still fought, and that’s what matters. Going forward, if I could play you (Griddy Gods manager and Platooner editor in chief Hunter Tormey) every week that would help, but otherwise I’ll have to make some smarter roster decisions and fortify my running back room.”

On the other side of the coin, Tormey’s Griddy Gods responded to a week 2 loss by putting up the fewest points for in Poople history with a paltry 41.76 points. Meanwhile David Montgomery and Jakobi Meyers became the 7th and 8th players Tormey has seen miss at least one game due to injury this season already.

When asked about the truly awful state of his team, Tormey responded as follows:

“Hard to find the right words to describe a week like this one. I think the entire league can see that I have by far the worst team, and can agree it would take truly the best manager in the league to take this team to the playoffs. Lucky for this team, that’s exactly what I am.”

Platooner sources have disputed the accuracy of Tormey’s claim, but his confidence in the face of historic adversity is at the very least, admirable. He’ll look to get back to griddying next week against Jake Sawyer and his A Gay and Brown Kupp squad.

Corruption, Collusion, Contention Oh My!: Adcock’s Bold Claims Overshadow Sawyer’s First Win

Sometimes you can win a battle but lose the war. That was the case for Lord Cornwallis and the British regulars and the battles they waged throughout the American colonies in the late 1700’s, and it may or may not be the case for A Gay and Brown Kupp manager Jake Sawyer.

On the fantasy pitch, Sawyer picked up his first win of the season against Keeping Up With The Jones and Keaton Adcock. Wide receiver Cooper Kupp (14.4 points) and DK Metcalf (14.9 points) rose to the challenge and carried Sawyer to the victory column in a hard fought matchup between old friends turned fantasy adversaries.

Sawyer had this to say on his team’s winning effort in week 3:

“Against all odds, we came away with our first win. Our fearless leader Cooper Kupp led us to another great game. The difference maker in all honesty was my opponent just being bad. We’ve performed the way we should’ve each week and lost only by the will of the Lord deeming us to be defeated - that’s the only explanation for us to lose. Nevertheless, we’re excited by the first win coming off a blockbuster trade and getting ready for next week against a team that actually scored 40 points. We’re not worried.”

While Adcock’s team struggled to put the ball in the endzone in week 3 (just one total touchdown across the lineup), the Keeping Up with the Jones gaffer had a different theory of why his team came away with a loss this week, a far more sinister theory at that.

“We believe that there may have been foul play involved by the opponent last week. Given the historical data of corruption we have seen thus far this year, we want to be certain this was a fair matchup and my players weren’t drugged pregame. They did not seem fully themselves out there this week. As this is an ongoing investigation, we can not comment further on the matter.”

Adcock’s accusations against Sawyer are certainly heavy, but would surprise few around the league. Reports of Montezuma’s Revenge terrorizing Adcock’s locker room before the matchup do seem to point a finger at the scandal ridden commissioner. Are Adcock’s accusations credible? What scandal will Sawyer attempt to perpetrate next? For this and more, stay tuned for what should be a truly thrilling week 4 of Poople fantasy football.

Platooner '23: Pre-Season Analysis and Draft Night Predictions

Tue, 01 Aug 2023 23:56:56 GMT

Let’s kick things off with a difficult and heavy truth: all good things in this world must come to an end. Summer break. Fortnite winning streaks. A nice meal with a friend or loved one. Eventually, all things give way to the inevitable churning of the gears of time, and fantasy football is no different. No matter how many entertaining moments of wonder and ferocious competition the 2022-2023 Pigskin Premier League season provided, it too must fade warmly into our memories like a fond childhood Christmas. However, here at the Platooner, we choose to dwell not on what has been, but on the exciting promise of what is to be, and for that reason it is time to turn our attention to what many have claimed will be a truly groundbreaking campaign for our beloved league.

For years on end the fantasy football draft has served as the inception of the season, the first milestone on a perilous quest for fantasy football glory. Yet for the first time in league history, the 2023-2024 Pigskin Premier League season actually started several months prior to this year’s Selection Saturday. In early 2023, the PPL executive team convened and proposed that rather than allowing ESPN to randomly assign league managers their drafting position, league members should compete in a March Madness bracket tournament to determine the drafting order by allowing each manager to choose their draft position in the order they finish in the standings. After the proposal’s swift adoption by the league, the competition began, with massive implications for the upcoming fantasy season.

After hard fought battles, breathtaking matchups, and a dash of Cinderella magic, the NCAA tournament concluded with the UCONN Huskies cutting down the nets. More importantly however, heavily villainized league commissioner Jake Sawyer defeated all challengers to claim the right to choose his draft position in the 2023-2024 PPL Draft. After Sawyer made his selection, all other managers had the opportunity to follow suit, leading to a truly interesting draft order that should prove to produce one of the most contentious and surprising drafts in recent memory. Now without further ado, let the analysis begin!

1st Pick

Held By: Jake Sawyer

Projected Pick: Justin Jefferson

After much research and deliberation, Pflugerville frontman Jake Sawyer decided that he will be making the first selection of the 2023-2024 Pigskin Premier League draft. On the heels of his third playoff appearance in franchise history, Sawyer made it clear he’s looking to use the top pick to build off his recent positive momentum going forward.

“I selected the #1 overall pick because it’s simply the best pick. I control the 1st round of the draft and despite people’s recommendations against the pick, I am very confident. I can choose the player and build the team I want with this spot.” Sawyer said.

As always, upon Sawyer’s announcement that he would be taking the top pick, speculation around the league began to swirl around who the veteran manager may be targeting with his selection. However, Sawyer dismissed the Platooner’s attempts to gain some insight on this point, stating, “I know exactly who I will be taking already. But I cannot reveal that information, can I?”

Despite Sawyer’s gamesmanship, the Platooner is projecting Sawyer to select Minnesota Vikings wide receiver Justin Jefferson with the first overall pick. The pre-season number one overall fantasy prospect according to ESPN, the fourth year pro out of LSU is poised to shine in a good Vikings offense that saw longtime pass catcher Adam Thielen depart during a busy NFL offseason. Having established himself as a premier high volume WR1 in recent seasons, Jefferson’s rare blend of speed and elusiveness makes him a great fit for a Jake Sawyer offense. One can only hope that any player selected by Sawyer can get past the boos they are sure to hear from opposing fans, as many still harken back to last season’s “Owlgate” scandal and accuse Sawyer and his team of corruption.

2nd Pick

Held By: Kenny Turner

Projected Pick: Austin Ekeler

The second pick in the 2023-2024 Pigskin Premier League draft is held by none other than Dallas blonde Kenny Turner, who placed third in the March Madness tournament showdown. After securing a third place finish in each of his first two PPL seasons, Turner is rapidly establishing himself as a perennial title contender, even among the deep and talented collection of managers the league has to offer.

When questioned by Platooner sources about his decision to take the second overall pick, Turner stated that, “I chose the second pick because I truly believe that there are 2 players that are the cream of the crop this fantasy football season.”

While Turner did not go so far as to name the two players he was referring to, his comments that followed, while cryptic, do seem to shed some light on the matter. “Nothing is set as we are still a long way from the draft and a lot can happen.” Turner said. “Let’s just say value at the running back position is hard to find later in the draft.”

Based on Turner’s statements and track record, the Platooner is projecting with confidence that the third year manager will be using the second overall pick to reunite with Los Angeles Chargers running back Austin Ekeler. Ekeler served as a bell cow for Turner in 2022-2023, and put together a truly dominant season en route to finishing as the top running back in fantasy football. Given that offseason concerns about a possible trade out of Los Angeles have been put to bed, Ekeler once again profiles as a rock solid RB1 with tremendous upside.

3rd Pick

Held By: Matt Stone

Projected Pick: Jamarr Chase

After finishing fourth in the March Madness tournament challenge, last season’s runner up Matt Stone selected the third overall pick in the 2023-2024 Pigskin Premier League draft. While Stone’s loss in last season’s final devastated numerous fans around the league seeking “Justice for Matt”, it seems that Stone himself has quickly brushed off the disappointment and refocused his efforts on constructing another championship level roster this season.

In discussing his strategy behind selecting the number three overall pick, Stone stated, “I picked the third pick because I believe my number one target wouldn’t be around at my next preference in available selection. I’ve got a strategy that needs executing, and by George, I’m going to be the executor.”

Known for his strong leadership skills as a manager, Stone made it clear he is looking for similar traits in his first round draft choice, commenting, “I’m looking for a stalwart for my team, someone worthy of the leading role in my locker room. Someone with a long history of success, even if he hasn’t been recognized in the award department. A guy who’s newer to the league but sure to be hot, hot, hot!”

Platooner sources are reporting that Stone’s comments may be in reference to third year Bengals wide receiver Jamarr Chase, a high ceiling prospect who possesses the skill to lead any club to the fantasy football promised land. One of the most explosive players in the league over the past two seasons, the 23 year old Chase is expected by many to compete with fellow LSU Tiger Justin Jefferson to lead the wide receiver position in fantasy points this season.

4th Pick

Held By: Mack Magner

Projected Pick: Christian McCaffrey

The second manager to select their draft pick for the 2023-2024 season, Mack Magner raised some eyebrows around the league by choosing the fourth overall pick in what will be his inaugural Pigskin Premier League season. The Austin based newcomer seemed cool, calm, and collected in his initial comments to the Platooner, expressing his excitement about joining the league while putting its more experienced managers on notice.

“Looking forward to playing with people who take fantasy seriously. Who don’t throw in the towel after 2 weeks. Who commit. The other managers should know I watch a LOT of football and I know a LOT about football which typically bodes well for me as a fantasy manager. Look out. Is it too early to be talking ROTY? Don’t think so.” Magner stated.

Sure Magner’s bold comments may leave some wondering whether he’s all talk, but his remarks on his draft strategy strongly suggest that he may be able to back up the hype. For example, when asked why he selected the number four overall pick, Magner remarked, “Top 4 picks this year are all ELITE and great talents any team would be lucky to have. Knowing that, picking earlier in round 2 could be what separates the men from the boys and get me some key round 2 targets.”

In terms of Magner’s plans for the fourth overall selection, Platooner sources project that the rookie manager will select San Francisco running back Christian McCaffrey. McCaffrey blossomed in the Bay Area last season, racking up an impressive 746 rushing yards and 52 catches to go along with 10 scores in just 11 contests with the 49ers. An accomplished dual threat back, the path to high end fantasy success for McCaffrey is hard to miss, though his ability to play a full 17 weeks remains an important concern.

5th Pick

Held By: Sam Dunegan

Projected Pick: Bijan Robinson

The fifth pick in the 2023-2024 Pigskin Premier League draft belongs to Sam Dunegan, a former league champion still hungry to prove his managerial chops to the world. After hoisting the league trophy two seasons ago, Dunegan’s club unceremoniously fell from grace last season due to what many would characterize as a combination of bad luck and mismanagement of draft capital. Perhaps the sun will shine on The Special One once again this season as he approaches the upcoming campaign with a newfound sense of purpose.

While his draft tactics have come into question over the past few seasons, the eccentric Dunegan appears to have a very clear picture of his draft strategy for this season, stating, “One key reason (I chose the fifth pick) is that the fifth pick allows me to choose from whatever wonderful player the top 4 skip over. Praying and preying on their downfall.”

However, Dunegan followed these comments by giving fans reason to think he may not be too far removed from his past drafting habits after all as he told Platooner sources, “No comments at my target but I will always look to take top talent in shallow position groups. Whether that be QB or kicker, I’ll take top talent regardless.”

The Platooner believes that the top talent Dunegan will be adding to his team in the first round of this year’s draft is none other than Atlanta Falcons rookie running back Bijan Robinson. While Robinson has yet to take the field as a pro, the 2022 Doak Walker award winner’s collegiate tape and track record are unimpeachably excellent. The former Longhorn has massive year one upside and should immediately serve as the focal point of Atlanta’s offense. A talent of Robinson’s caliber feels like the type of calculated risk a manager such as Dunegan would take.

6th Pick

Held By: Keaton Adcock

Projected Pick: Cooper Kupp

Selecting sixth in the 2023-2024 Pigskin Premier League draft is PlatoonerBets intern Keaton Adcock. Making his PPL managerial debut last season, Adcock quickly found out just how difficult it can be to win in such a competitive league and failed to qualify for postseason play. Nevertheless, the positive energy surrounding Adcock’s side heading into 2023-2024 is palpable, and a huge sophomore leap forward is not at all out of the question.

When asked about his rationale for selecting the sixth overall pick, Adcock was kind enough to give Platooner sources a peek into his characteristically quirky thought process. “If we are being honest here, I started off yesterday wanting the 12th pick. Of course, my boss (PlatoonerBets chairman Coby Evers) got it over me as usual. I set to Google to find a relatable, yet amusing, link to the number five. I searched biblical meanings, historical accounts, and even songs. Nothing to my liking. Then I think of the number six, like my armored and insulated six pack and I think dang that’s hot!” Adcock remarked.

Adcock elected to announce his choice of the sixth overall pick via a picture of Charizard, whose corresponding Pokedex number is also 6. Says Adcock, “I’ll ride Charizard into battle and fire blast the opposition into Ash. We’re excited for this new season to start to show the league we’re warmed up, heated up, and about to be on fire this year.”

While Adcock declined to comment on the player he views as his metaphorical Charizard, Platooner sources are officially projecting the second year manager to select Los Angeles Rams wide receiver Cooper Kupp with his first round draft pick. Just a season removed from one of the all time great fantasy football campaigns in history, Kupp missed the final eight games of the season last year after an ankle injury sidelined the star pass catcher. Yet with a full offseason to rehab and recover, Kupp should quickly regain his dominant form and generate his customary awe-inspiring numbers for the manager fortunate enough to take him.

7th Pick

Held By: Tosa Nehikhuere

Projected Pick: Travis Kelce

Smack dab in the middle of the first round at pick number seven this season is reigning league champion Tosa Nehikhuere whose head will be significantly heavier this season from the crown he wears. After an exceptional run through the PPL postseason last year, Nehikhuere was quick to assure Platooner sources that there will be no championship hangover this season, and that he expects his squad to compete each week as if rent is due.

“As a coach I’ve gotta find new motivation for my guys if we wanna go back to back. I’ve been reviewing The Last Dance recently to channel my inner Phil Jackson zen master, so hopefully we will see the fruits of that this season. A paraphrase of the poet Aubrey Drake Graham might give you some insight as to my mindset: PPL don’t pay me to do it, they pay me to show you I’ll do it again.” Nehikhuere quipped.

As far Nehikhuere’s thoughts on the seventh pick, his detailed thought process and keen analysis prove why he has found so much success in the league in recent seasons. “Ya know, 7 is a biblically significant number representing completion. God rested on the 7th day after creating the heavens and earth. The walls of Jericho fell on the 7th day after the Israelites marched around them 7 times. With the 7th pick, I’m going to be channeling that this season is gonna be a wrap before it even begins. It is finished. FANETO.” he stated.

Though Nehikhuere did not give many specifics as to who he might be selecting with the 7th overall pick, he did go on record as saying that, “It may be someone unconventional, but I’ve never been one to go against the grain if the numbers support it.” As far as unconventional goes, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce is about as unconventional as it gets from a fantasy football perspective. The only tight end with a first round fantasy grade this season, Kelce ran circles around all other players at the position in 2022-2023, nearly doubling the second best tight end’s point totals on the season. After Nehikhuere gambled on Kelce early in the draft last season, the latter proved absolutely essential to the former’s championship run, and we believe a homecoming here makes all the sense in the world.

8th Pick

Held By: Stephen Clines

Projected Pick: Tyreek Hill

A tenth place finish in the March Madness challenge led to the eighth overall pick for lanky veteran manager Stephen Clines. Following an up and down season in which Clines clinched a playoff spot despite being among the lowest points for scorers in the league, it remains to be seen if Clines can count on the same good fortune in 2023-2024. However, only a fool would count him out, as he continues to produce signature victories season after season.

A man of few words, Clines remarked that, “I chose the first pick available, I was about to not have service for a couple hours so I didn’t think too much about it”, when asked why he decided to select the eighth overall pick in the draft.

When asked more directly about the player he plans to select with the eighth overall pick, Clines playfully deflected the question by responding with, “Will Anderson, I’m excited for the Texans to be fantasy relevant.”

However, Platooner sources are paid the big bucks to read between the lines, and in doing so they are able to project that Clines will spend the eighth pick on Miami Dolphins speedster Tyreek Hill. After a surprising offseason move from Kansas City to Miami last year, many questioned whether Hill’s explosive brand of fantasy football would translate to a Tua Tagovailoa lead offense. Those who bought in however were rewarded greatly, as the “Cheetah” raced his way past opposing defenders to the tune of career highs in receptions and receiving yards and a second place finish at the position. If Hill can replicate this success in year 2 with Tua, he is sure to please any manager lucky enough to acquire his services.

9th Pick

Held By: Mitchell Cantway

Projected Pick: Derrick Henry

Thanks to an administrative error on the club’s end, Houston based tycoon Mitch Cantway was assigned the ninth pick in the PPL first round, despite an otherwise respectable finish in the tournament challenge. When asked about why he failed to get his paperwork in on time and secure a more ideal pick, Cantway responded, “On the record, I was “playing pickleball with some friends”.”

However, Platooner sources are reporting that Cantway’s local pickleball courts were empty at the time of the organizational malfeasance, and Cantway was instead embroiled in a “steamy game of Transylvanian Tongue Twister” with the head of PPL Merchandise, Matt Stone. In response, Cantway attempted to discredit the rumors, stating, “Any obscure sources claiming I was embroiled in a steamy game of Transylvanian Tongue Twister with a certain Head of PPL Merch” are at best mistaken, and at worst slanderous. Representatives for Matt Stone declined to comment on the allegations.

Whatever the cause of Cantway’s carelessness, he will need to make the most of his first round selection in order to maximize his chances of earning a playoff spot for the fourth time in franchise history. When asked what player he believes could potentially fill such an important role, Cantway commented that “As a high character organization, I won’t give away my strategies, but I can tell you his name might rhyme with Bombass Fadie.”

We’ll state the obvious here, Derrick Henry does not in fact rhyme with Bombass Fadie. But what the bruising Tennessee Titans running back does offer is a long history of stability and fantasy success at the position. With rookie quarterback Will Levis in the fold and likely to see the field in 2023-2024, Henry’s share of touches in the Titans offense is sure to remain sky high, and there is nothing whatsoever on tape to indicate that the former Alabama standout has lost a step in any way heading into this season. Henry would serve as a strong anchor for Cantway’s backfield and potentially bring some peace to the organizational chaos running rampant throughout the team.

10th Pick

Held By: Hunter Tormey

Projected Pick: Jonathan Taylor

The number ten pick in the 2023-2024 PPL fantasy draft belongs to veteran gaffer Hunter Tormey, whose misplaced faith in the Marquette Golden Eagles led to a shocking last place finish in the March Madness challenge. However, due to the managerial incompetence of rival manager Mitchell Cantway missing a crucial deadline, Tormey was allowed to select his draft choice just before the Sri Lankan international.

Following a disappointing 2022-2023 campaign that got off to a 1-5 start, Tormey rallied his club to four straight wins and the cusp of a playoff spot before a heartbreaking Davante Adams touchdown at the death sent his roster to Cancun early. “Last year we were just too sloppy and couldn’t get out of our own way. I suppose many people may blame me as the manager for failing to make the playoffs, but last time I checked I didn’t tell Dak Prescott to forget how to play football. And don’t even get me started on Cam Akers, that fraud decided not to tell me that he was planning to play like prime Rex Burkhead the entire season when I drafted him. But honestly, make no mistake, I am absolutely back this year and look forward to taking the league by storm once again.” Tormey said.

In order to provide the type of comeback season he promised and get back on track as a franchise, Tormey will need a truly special contribution from his first round draft pick this season. When questioned by Platooner sources about who that player might be, Tormey seemed to give away everything and nothing at the same time. “It’s like I tell people all the time, whether it’s draft strategy or trade talk, I pride myself on being a straight shooter. So I’ll just be completely candid with you, I will be selecting Vikings wide receiver Justin Jefferson with the tenth pick in the draft.” Tormey remarked.

Unfortunately for Tormey, it is a near certainty that “Jettas” will be long gone before his number ten pick rolls around. A much more realistic target for the Dallas based club is Indianapolis Colts running back Jonathan Taylor. Much like Tormey’s team, Taylor is coming off a disappointing 2022-2023 campaign after being the consensus top pick heading into the season. Still, Taylor is just 24 years old and has had over 7 months to recover from a minimally invasive ankle procedure and will be running behind what should be an improved offensive line. If Taylor is able to approach the monster numbers he put up in 2021, this pick could be looked back on as a steal at the end of the season.

11th Pick

Held By: Andrew Forey

Projected Pick: Saquon Barkley

Holding the penultimate pick in the 2023-2024 PPL first round is league newcomer Andrew Forey. Like his counterpart Mack Magner, the San Antonio product is part of an exciting new wave of managers looking to make a splash at the expense of the league’s more experienced playcallers. Forey seems to be entering the league with a chip on his shoulder, and spent a good portion of his initial interview directing that chip at veteran manager Mitch Cantway.

“Who am I most looking forward to going up against? Mitch, already seems like an easy win.” Forey scoffed.

When it comes to draft strategies, the untested Forey may still have quite a bit to learn, though he does seem to have a clear initial plan. “Who am I targeting? Whoever Coby is targeting.” Forey said in reference to the sultan of San Angelo, Coby Evers.

While Forey’s statements do not seem to give away much information as to who he might be targeting, one player who could be of interest to the rookie manager is New York Giants running back Saquon Barkley. After a resurgent 2022-2023 season that saw Barkely rush for over 1,300 yards and pile up nearly 60 catches, the former number two overall pick is once again firmly in the first round conversation. Much like 49ers star Christian McCaffrey, Barkley’s durability is his biggest concern as his talent and opportunity for touches in an improving offense rank among the league’s best.

12th Pick

Held By: Coby Evers

Projected Pick: Stefon Diggs

Finishing fifth in the March Madness tournament challenge but first in the hearts of many around the league, diminutive manager Coby Evers holds the rights to the final pick of the first round this season. Fresh off of a speech and debate national championship win as well as last season’s regular season championship, the San Angelo short king seems extremely confident in his chances of making more playoff noise this season.

Evers listed a number of reasons as to why he selected the twelfth pick in this year’s draft, saying, “I love being the guy that does fun and unpredictable things but then making those things turn to gold. That’s exactly what I’m going to do with this decision. I also love having back to back picks since I’m about to be back to back champion the next two years in this league.”

While Evers seems to be keeping his thoughts on who he may select at number twelve close to the vest, he did take the time to issue a warning to the rest of the league. “All other 11 managers are on notice. They won’t be wanting to play me any week. And any of them saying they want this smoke is lying out of their ass.”

Despite the eagerness to back up his talk, the first round of the draft will be an exercise in patience for Evers, who must wait and watch as eleven high level prospects come off the board prior to his first selection. With that being said however, the Platooner is still projecting Evers’ draft to get off to a strong start with the selection of Buffalo Bills wide receiver Stefon Diggs. Following a brutal ousting from last season’s NFL playoffs at the hands of Joe Shiesty, the ninth year pro out of Maryland will likely begin the season on a warpath that will lead to gaudy fantasy production. While it remains to be seen if the fiery personalities of Evers and Diggs can co-exist, the ceiling for this pairing is sky high.

In Conclusion

As you can probably already tell, this Pigskin Premier League season has the potential to be the most entertaining and adventurous yet. From new faces around the league to cutting edge technological innovations such as a league webpage and social media initiatives, the stakes have truly never been higher. 12 teams. 1 trophy. Nothing short of destiny itself awaits.

Platooner '22: Week 10 Recap

Tue, 01 Aug 2023 23:38:55 GMT

This is Madness!: JT, CeeDee, Lead Very Mad to Win as Evers Continues Three Game Skid

Some twelve weeks or so ago, the majority of Poople managers convened for a truly once in a lifetime night of fantasy football festivities: The 2022 Poople Fantasy Draft. While Very Mad manager Sam Dunegan was unable to attend the event due to what the team described as “personal reasons”, many of his selections made waves across the league, and not in a good way. Perhaps the most vocal critic of Dunegan’s lineup was Three Eyed Ravens boss Coby Evers, who drunkenly decreed that Dunegan’s team was easily the worst in the league, according to Platooner sources. Yet when it came time for these two rivals to compete in week 10, it was Dunegan who prevailed.

Along with Coby’s poor run of form, Dunegan has highly scrutinized number one overall pick Jonathan Taylor (23.3 points) and Cowboys receiver CeeDee Lamb (32.5 points) to thank for a comfortable victory over his diminutive foe.

Despite the huge win however, Dunegan remained fairly bearish about his chances of defending his Poople crown come playoff time:

“Ah too little too late but I hope to capitalize on my 8% of making the playoffs. Im just glad I won or else no one would have noticed I wasn’t in the group chat.” Dunegan said.

On the other hand, Evers watched helplessly as his unit struggled to put up points in this prime time matchup. Were it not for solid performances from Saquon Barkley (22.5 points) and stud wideout Stefon Diggs (18.8 points), things could have been even uglier for Evers and his Ravens.

Despite the loss however, Evers remains the top dog in Poople on the season, clinging to the one seed like a baby koala to a eucalyptus sapling. Pointing out this fact to the media when questioned about his recent struggles, Evers managed to put a positive spin on his outlook ahead of Poople’s regular season finale:

“The last few weeks have been disappointing but we haven’t been at full strength. I’m hoping we go back to the health we were at the beginning of the year and get some surprising production from role players. We’re thankful that we’re in the big dance and now all we have to do is give ourselves a chance and I have a great feeling about it.”

Evers will look to build some positive momentum heading into the postseason against Mitch Cantway’s Sevin Dingleterry squad in week 11, while Dunegan faces the daunting task of trying to contain a scalding hot Pop Lockett Drop It unit playing with something to prove.

Keeping Up With the Upsets: Adcock Slams Door on Stone’s Bid for Top Seed

As any good Poople manager or MMA fighter knows, it’s not how many times you get knocked down that defines you, it’s how many times you get back up. For Keeping Up With the Jones manager and PlatoonerBets! intern Keaton Adcock, this season has seen his team get knocked down 6 times, an amount which the numbers suggest may keep him from making the playoffs (ESPN gives Adcock a 13% chance to make the playoffs). But that didn’t stop him from getting back up in week 10, and delivering a crucial blow to Lets Get Some Doubs’ odds of clinching the top overall seed in the Poople standings.

For LGSD manager Matt Stone, the loss comes at a highly inopportune time, as his squad slips to 4th in the standings as a result of Adcock’s resurgent performance. While most of Stone’s lineup showed up on the week, key role plays Cordarrelle Patterson (2.5 points on the week) and Deebo Samuel (6.1 points, at least one spanking this week) sold on the former board game mogul.

When asked about what his message is to the team this week, Stone reflected on the ups and downs characteristic of any hard fought Poople season:

“You know, it’s all about getting hot at the right time. We’ve been up, we’ve been down, but through it all, we’re still in the thick of it. If we can get hot right now, that’s all it takes to make it through. I need my team to stay healthy and happy and there’s no losing in the long run.”

Meanwhile Adcock’s balanced attack led by freshly healthy James Connor (22.1 points) and team namesake Aaron Jones (22.6 points) proved more than enough to best Stone on the week, keeping his Cinderella run at first year playoff qualification alive.

Adcock elected to keep the bigger picture in mind when questioned by Platooner sources, laying out the current state of the Poople playoff picture in immaculate detail:

“I’m not going to lie. It’s not looking good. We are going to need a Rube Goldberg set in motion by the Lord to sneak into playoffs. The first five teams are almost a lock. Almost. The first four teams are currently insurmountable from playoffs, though they can be defeated as this week showed. We are going to need a bunch of points on that board not only to secure a W this week, but for the chance to win a points for tie for that 6th position spot. Of course, the talented Security Kamaras, that recently caught Kamara beating a dude up by the way, would have to suffer a loss as well and the captain of the Mad, is he crazy? Is he angry? Is he so angry he’s crazy? Would also need to put up less points than myself. Like Lloyd Christmas, I’m just hearing there’s a chance.”

The always positive Adcock finds himself in another must win situation in week 11 as he matches up with Its Okay I’m Just In Her Bert, who themselves are fighting for their playoff lives. Meanwhile, Lets Get Some Doubs turns their attention to the Security Kamaras this week, a match with massive Poople playoff implications.

No Laughing Matter: Comedy Show Ekelers Defeat Clines, But May Have Bigger Issues Ahead

As the great Dua Lipa once said, “One kiss is all it takes!” But this time of year, Poople managers know that all too often, it’s one WIN that’s all it takes to secure a place in the postseason. Such was the case for Comedy Show Ekelers manager Kenny Turner, whose team looked motivated to secure the bag on a playoff spot, handily defeating the likes of Its Okay I’m Just In Hert Bert manager Stephen Clines in week 10.

Turner’s sixth win of the season has all but guaranteed his squad a place in the big dance, as ESPN gives his unit a 99% chance to qualify for postseason play. Led by quarterback Jalen Hurts (21.8 fantasy points) and Longhorn Legend D’onta Foreman (19.0 points) Turner managed to cruise to the win over the struggling Clines.

Platooner sources could feel the excitement in the CSE locker room during Turner’s postgame interview:

“HUGE WIN! Definitely a gotta have it type of game. The message has been consistent throughout the year: We are here for a championship, and every week needs to reflect that! These guys in my team are battle tested and when the haters wrote them off, they never wrote back. They just got to work and put out solid performances! Jake’s team is dang good, but I’ll back my team all day eryday.” Turner commented.

Yet while Turner might have much to celebrate on the field, odds are he’s not going to like this breaking news, first reported by the Platooner. Confidential sources have accused the Liverpool fanatic of a sinister “pay to play” scandal, in which Turner pledged to bench his star players in week 11 in exchange for certain cash considerations. The Supreme Court of Poople is set to convene on the matter today to investigate the matter, and are said to be considering a range of potential of punishments for Turner if he is found guilty of breaking protocol, such as forcing him to drop a player of the league’s choice, or being forced to stay at the Londoner for 8 hours, the time reducible only by drinking Boddington’s ale.

Meanwhile, for Clines, the mood was much different around the team when Platooner sources asked players questions about the back to back losses the team has suffered, putting them on the outside of the Poople playoff picture.

“Listen, we’re not going to give up just because we lost a few games.” Wide receiver Christian Kirk (27 points) said. “At the end of the day we know where we belong, and that’s competing for a championship. We just need to answer the call one more time next week, and we’ll be right where we need to be.”

Clines and company will look to rebound against Keaton Adcock and Keeping Up with the Jones, while Turner will face Mixon a Kupp of Mostert, in a potential playoff preview.

Caught on Tape: Security Kamaras Best Week of Season Proves Fatal for Cantway’s Playoff Push

In what might be the most competitive and wide open year of Poople in recent memory, 9 teams enter the final game of the regular season with a chance to make the postseason, with only 2 games spanning the game between first place and ninth place. Unfortunately for Sevin Dingleterry manager Mitchell Cantway, his squad happens to be the remaining team, after dropping his seventh match of the season in week 10.

For Cantway, the back breaking week 10 loss comes despite putting up the third most points in the league this week, led by the efforts of star running backs Dalvin Cook (22.1 points) and Jeff Wilson Jr. (21.3 points).

The locker room was completely silent as Cantway and his troops filed inside for the postgame media comments, and given the harsh result, Platooner sources thought it best to give Cantway a moment alone with his team, rather than pepper him with questions about the disappointing outcome. The noble manager surely had incredible words of wisdom to impart to his players, all of whom will become free agents at the end of the season once again.

On the flipside, Security Kamaras gaffer Hunter Tormey prevailed for the fourth consecutive week as part of a shocking turnaround that has seen the Platooner’s Editor in Chief rise from the murky depths of 1-5 to the thick of the Poople playoff hunt.

The Justins came through in a big way for Tormey, with Justin Fields putting up 39.38 fantasy points, a figure that more than doubles the best score any Security Kamaras QB has put up in any week this season. Meanwhile Justin Jefferson once again proved he loves playing Cantway, as he scored more than 30 points against Sevin Dingleterry for the second time this season.

Tormey was all business after the victory:

“When nobody believed we believed. It’s as simple as that. We could have let our season be defined by injuries, we could have let it be defined by bad breaks, we could have let in be defined by league wide collusion. But instead we have defined our season by hard work and perseverance, and now we can finally say the four words every Poople manager lives to hear: “Win and You’re In.”” Tormey remarked.

Tormey and his squad will face off against near playoff lock Let’s Get Some Doubs in week 11, while Cantway will look to play spoiler against Coby Evers and his slumping Three Eyed Ravens club.

1 Freaking Yard: Nehikhuere Leads Pop Lockett It to Nail Biting Win in Game of the Year Nominee

All you can say is wow. In what most managers might call the game of the season, Tosa Nehikhuere and his Pop Lockett Drop It unit needed every single yard they could muster to defeat Jake Sawyer’s Mixon a Kupp of Mostert roster. In a season of turmoil, wild finishes, and truly insane results, this match stands alone as being exceedingly remarkable.

First, the victors. For Nehikhuere, the win, his sixth of the season and fourth in a row, rockets his team up the standings to second place in the league, just 8 points for behind the league leading Coby Evers. Josh Allen once again led the way for this Pop Lockett squad, posting 19.6 on the week, while Travis Kelce chipped in another 17.1 points. Nehikhuere also improves to 2-0 against the commissioner who arguably cost his team a few spots on the draft board prior to the start of the season.

Nehikhuere could not contain his excitement at locking up a playoff spot in such thrilling fashion:

“Damn it feels good to be a gangster. I told my guys all season to trust the process, and the process is finally paying dividends. We showed the league what we’re made of, and its looking like we’re gonna have a Scary Hours alert all playoffs long.”

Meanwhile, Sawyer was uncharacteristically quiet in response to his team’s shocking week 10 loss:

“No comment. I’m just here so I don’t get fined.” Sawyer said.

Sawyer now faces an uphill battle in week 11, with star receiver Cooper Kupp being designated for injured reserve by the Rams, meaning he will miss a minimum of four games going forward. That combined with a flurry of byes and other minor injuries in week 11 could prove a tough situation for Sawyer to navigate, particularly as he goes up against Kenny Turner and his Comedy Show Ekelers team. For his part, Nehikhuere will look to continue his hot streak against defending champion Very Mad and Sam Dunegan in the regular season finale.

Platooner '22: Week 9 Recap (Players Edition)

Tue, 01 Aug 2023 23:35:18 GMT

Three Eyed Ravens: The Players Behind the Stunning Worst to First Turnaround

We begin our quest to examine the state of this honorable league through the eyes of the players that comprise it with the truly inspiring underdog story of Coby Evers’ Three Eyed Ravens unit. To analyze Poople’s top team of the regular season through its first nine weeks, Platooner sources caught up with running back Saquon Barkley and wide receiver Jamarr Chase.

When asked to describe his thoughts heading into the season, Chase responded as follows:

“I can’t lie I was a little skeptical about Coby’s managerial chops after his last place finish last season. I was his first overall pick, which is a blessing, but to be honest I expected to come into a situation with no winning mentality and no culture. And when I saw the tape of him getting crossed up by a six year old kid? Man… I wasn’t too hopeful.”

Taking the reins of the conversation, Barkley commented on what it’s like to play for Evers, and how this year’s Three Eyed Ravens squad has completely flipped the narrative surrounding Evers’ skill as a fantasy boss.

“People ask me all the time if it’s hard to respect someone I have to look down to so much physically. I say hell nah. Coby made it clear from day one that every time we suit up, we do it for each other and our brotherhood as Three Eyed Ravens. Honestly I feel like I have a lot in common with Coby. People wrote me off as an injury prone bust, and look at me now. It’s an honor to play for Coach Evers and I’m gonna give my all the rest of the season to prove his haters wrong.”

With two weeks left in the Poople regular season, Evers must hope Barkley’s words continue to ring true, as his unit has suffered back to back losses after starting the season 6-1. As the only team to secure a playoff spot up to this point, Evers can afford to be patient with the injured Chase and hopes he returns energized for his eventual postseason opener.

Lets Get Some Doubs: A Story of Spankings and Rankings

Among the more consistent fantasy managers this Poople campaign, Let’s Get Some Doubs frontman Matt Stone enters week 10 nipping at the heels of the league leading Evers. Sparing a few moments after practice to discuss their manager and his unconventional motivation methods were wide receiver Deebo Samuel and quarterback Trevor Lawrence.

After agreeing to sit down with Platooner sources, Samuel wasted no time in circling back to some startling allegations he made earlier in the season, first reported by the Platooner.

“Yes it’s true. Like everyone I’ve read the Platooner and I’m here to confirm the allegations I made against Matt. If I don’t hit my projection for the week he slaps my ass cheeks, sometimes with his hands, sometimes with a paddle, the other day he even used a Kit Kat. But here’s the thing, it really bothered me earlier in the season, but I kind of like it now! You can leave that last part out.” Samuel said.

Meanwhile, rather than focus on Samuel and his kinky exploits, Lawrence turned his attention to the remaining two games of the season.

“I’ve played in some huge games in my career, including numerous college football playoff games, and prime time NFL games. But man these next two feel like the biggest of my career. I appreciate the faith Matt has placed in me to lead this team. I know most people say he fricked up his draft by letting Mitchell take 3 quarterbacks before he finally got one, but for better or worse that situation has led me to where I am today. All I can do is try to pay off that trust going forward.”

As Stone looks over his remaining regular season schedule he finds two of the most hungry and desperate teams in the league in Keeping Up With the Jones and Security Kamaras. He’ll need his group whipped into shape (no pun intended) over the final sprint of the regular season to maximize his seeding and potentially claim the highly coveted number 1 overall seed.

Pop Lockett Drop It: From Owlgate to Team of Fate?

Perhaps the most forgotten chapter of the #JusticeforMatt saga has been the fact that the whole thing actually started with an owl. Whether the voice that pointed out to Nancy Sawyer that she in fact likes owls was actually the Colossus of Collusion himself matters not to Pop Lockett Drop It manager Tosa Nehikhuere, whose players have rallied around their fearless leader to score the second most points for in the league this season. Tight end Travis Kelce and wideout Jaylen Waddle commented on the ups and downs of their franchise this season.

“All I can say about Tosa is that man is a genius.” Kelce remarked. “He knew that if I couldn’t be reunited with my real life quarterback, he may as well pair me with the one guy in the league who can come close to what he can do on the football field. Truly a master stroker. Whoops! I meant master stroke. But honestly now that I’m thinking about it…”

Following up on Kelce’s palpably horny statement, second year pro Waddle had a clear message for those who doubt Pop Lockett Drop It as a serious championship contender.

“Maaaan, we got the second most points in the whole league? What more they want from us? Anybody whose hatin on us out there can Waddle on this dick!” the Dolphins receiver exclaimed.

It’s clear that Nehikhuere’s players are absolutely dedicated to performing at their best for their beloved manager. Establishing a winning culture that can also embrace fun is hard to do, but this season’s edition of Pop Lockett Drop It seems to have struck a perfect balance along those lines. With two more games to go in the regular season, Nehikhuere will continue to ensure his guys merge focused performances with light hearted energy, a combination that has served him well through 9 weeks.

Mixon a Kupp of Mostert: The Polarizing Legacy of Poople’s Most Polarizing Personality

What a season it’s been for Jake Sawyer and Mixon a Kupp of Mostert. Villainized by most after a widely publicized pre-draft scandal, you can feel the disdain in opposing arenas when Sawyer’s squad comes to town. Donating a few moments of their time to talk about the trials and tribulations of playing through scandal were running back Joe Mixon and wide receiver Cooper Kupp.

“To be honest playing for Jake can be tough at times. Opposing fans really let us have it every time we take the field. Last week for example we played Very Mad. We were up big for most of the game but as I was heading into the tunnel for halftime one of their fans said I look like a poor man’s Kenny Turner and threw a Dixie cup of Boston baked beans at me. The words hurt my feelings, but the beans were delectable, I’ll have to ask Very Mad’s manager where he gets his stadium food.

Taking a different approach to handling the criticism that comes with playing for Sawyer, Joe Mixon piped up and stated:

“We’ve heard it all this season. That we’re frauds. That we cheat. That we collude. We know what we’re about here in this locker room and that’s that. Everything else is bullshit. Let them talk all they want, while we keep winning. Lil puppies bark, big dogs bite.”

Sawyer currently sits in fourth place in the Poople table, but faces one of the tougher remaining schedules in the league. With battle tested stars like Mixon and Kupp, Sawyer has to feel good about his chances moving forward, but one can never get too comfortable in this topsy turvy league.

Comedy Show Ekelers: Laughing Their Way to the Championship?

Sitting at an 82% chance to secure a postseason bid are the Comedy Show Ekelers, led by Dallas based gaffer Kenny Turner. Platooner sources were fortunate enough to catch up with CSE stars Amon Ra St. Brown and Austin Ekeler to talk about the team and the lofty expectations placed upon them by their manager.

“It’s been a grind this season for sure.” second overall pick Austin Ekeler commented. “Frankly I think we’ve been held back a bit by the conditioning drills Kenny makes us do. Every Saturday he comes in blazing mad and makes us run like 10 gassers, on the eve of our matchup! Some of the guys have been talking and we think it’s because Liverpool is ass, and he’s been taking it out on us.”

Platooner sources have verified the fact that Liverpool is in fact ass, lending credibility to Ekeler’s comments.

Meanwhile, St. Brown focused on the task at hand facing the squad the remainder of the season.

“We know how tough of a league this is. We lost one game last week, and went from 2nd to 5th in the standings overnight. We’ve got to lock in, play for each other, and seal the deal by locking up a playoff spot. If anyone deserves it, Kenny does.”

Turner finds himself in the thick of the playoff hunt, though his two remaining matchups against fellow playoff hopefuls Stephen Clines and Jake Sawyer will prove a tough test leading up to Poople’s highly anticipated finale. Only time will tell if the performances of Turner’s unit will be as golden as his hair.

It’s Okay I’m Just in Her Bert: Contender or Pretender? The stats say: Both.

Its Okay I’m Just in Her Bert has to be one of the most interesting squads to keep an eye on as the Poople season begins to wind down. The ESPN app gives manager Stephen Clines’ team a healthy 72% chance to make the playoffs, while his team is only two points away from scoring the least points for in the league on the season.

Commenting on the up and down nature of the team’s season so far were running back Kenneth Walker and pass catcher Mike Evans.

“I’m gonna go out there and get mine.” the rookie Walker said, dripping with the confidence that comes from being started over a consensus first round pick late in the season. “I haven’t been a starter on this team for long, and some managers around the league were honestly laughing at me and shitting on me bro like I was nothing. But now I’m back with avengence.”

While Walker’s Soulja Boy reference was not lost on this sports journalist, wide out Mike Evans painted a truly interesting picture of what it’s like to play for Clines.

“After every win we like to get a little loosey goosey in the locker room. Dudes are pounding Claws and Truly’s like no other, and the other week I actually brought some of my famous hard lemonade. Stephen is different though man, he’ll have like one or two and then just passes out, clothes on and everything. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

It appears Clines has taken care to cultivate a true work hard play hard culture with his team. But will he have the chance to celebrate the ultimate accomplishment that Poople can offer? Victory on the grandest of stages?

Security Kamaras: A Song of Ice and Fire

It wouldn’t really be fair to describe this season as a roller coaster for Security Kamaras manager Hunter Tormey, really it’s just been one up and one down. Since starting the season a dreadful 1-5, Tormey has rattled off 3 consecutive wins to keep his unit’s playoff hopes alive heading into week 10.

Wide receiver Justin Jefferson and running back Alvin Kamara spoke about how Tormey’s steady hand throughout the chaos of this season has helped bond the team together.

“Everything we do here over at the squad is together man. We eat together. We griddy together. And Coach Tormey is really adamant that we all shower together too, though we probably could have done without the strobe lights in there.” Jefferson remarked.

Meanwhile, Kamara, who came over to Tormey’s side via a midseason trade with Lets Get Some Doubs commented on how refreshing his time with the team has been.

“I just wasn’t myself at Let’s Get Some Doubs, and I think my numbers showed that. Fortunately the coach believed in me and pulled the trigger on a blockbuster move, which many have said has been the only fair trade of the season. All I can say is you don’t want to play us right now and that’s on gang.” Kamara stated.

Over the past few weeks, Tormey has seen his playoff odds more than double, though his brutal start to the season still puts him on the outside of the playoff picture looking in. Will Tormey complete his redemption arc and make the playoffs against all odds? Stay tuned to find out.

Sevin Dingleterry: A Season of Trade and Trauma

When Sevin Dingleterry manager Mitchell Cantway green lighted a controversial mid-season trade with league commissioner Jake Sawyer, many around the league shook their heads, and sincerely hoped that the Sri Lankan international would not come to regret the deal too much. The season since has not been kind to Cantway, whose odds to make the playoffs have been reduced to just 10%.

Joining Platooner sources after a closed door massage therapy recovery session were former Longhorns Devin Duvernay and Justin Tucker.

“There’s still a lot to play for.” Duvernay said. “I don’t care what the numbers say, at the end of the day we’ve got a chance to win this thing. We just gotta keep doing everything we can to win, and if that means sending some pics of our dinks to the refs as compensation for giving us calls, then that’s what we’ll do.”

Meanwhile, Tucker discussed some of the unexpected benefits that he’s experienced from playing under Cantway.

“Mitch is a good dude man. I make kicks, he gives me treats. We’ve got a nice little arrangement going, and frankly I wouldn’t want to play anywhere else in the league!” Tucker said.

Overall a slightly disappointing season is still capable of reaching the promised land for Cantway, though the odds are beginning to dwindle. Cantway is really going to have to dole out the treats over the next few weeks in an attempt to motivate his players to push the team to a Poople postseason appearance.

Very Mad: Inside the League’s Angriest Team

Often times, draft pundits and talking heads are criticized in retrospect for making terrible takes about players who turn out to be stars in the league. Unfortunately for Sam Dunegan’s Very Mad team, that has not been the case this season. His team, which was picked by many as the worst after the draft, now clings to a mere 4% chance to make the playoffs. This is the first time in Poople history that a defending champion has had the lowest odds to make the postseason through 9 matchups since stats were recorded.

The Platooner was able to catch the entirety of the Bills Defense/Special Teams unit for comments on the state of the team.

“Every season in this league is a battle, and we’re all just trying to do our part.” safety Micah Hyde said. “Honestly we felt like we had the moment to make a run, but then for whatever reason the guys upstairs decided to move on from Tony Pollard. I think that really sapped a lot of the energy out of the squad.”

“We’re not prepared to concede anything.” pass rusher Von Miller defiantly barked. “As a defense we’re not gonna concede any points the rest of the season, and we damn sure aren’t ready to concede this title defense. We finna come out in week 10 and let them boys know: we’re very, very mad.”

Dunegan will be pleased to hear such fiery dialogue from his star defensive unit, though one has to wonder how much of an impact they can really have on his waning playoff prospects. Very Mad needs a huge performance this week, as well as some help from other teams around the league, to avoid being put to bed early this fantasy season.

Keeping Up With the Jones: Welcome to the League, Rook

If the Poople standings were a popularity contest, or a random poll of who is the sexiest manager, perhaps things would look much different from Keeping Up With the Jones manager Keaton Adcock. His inaugural Poople campaign has had its share of highs and lows, but in the end he finds himself at the bottom of the league table through the season’s first 9 weeks.

Running backs Christian McCaffrey and Aaron Jones spoke about the sense of community Adcock has developed with his team in year one, and the challenges the team has faced looking to make a name for itself in this highly talented league.

“Honestly I think it can be hard to play for a guy like Keaton sometimes.” McCaffrey says. “I mean you catch one glimpse of the guy popping his top off in the locker room and it’s all you can think about all game. Mans is a hottie.”

While Adcock’s squad does not control its own destiny the remainder of the season, spirits still appear to be high in the locker room.

“I don’t think I’ve ever met a better motivator of the people than Keaton. That retreat he took us on didn’t just give me the tools to be a better fantasy player, it helped me become a better man. I’m so thankful to Keaton man, and no matter how this season finishes he’s got a bright, bright future in this league.” Jones said.

Jones’ comments should come as no surprise to those around the league who know Adcock as a fun loving man of the people. His ability to come into Poople and compete in year one has been very impressive, and as a fan of the league I personally cannot wait to see what he’ll achieve in the future.

Platooner '22: Week 8 Recap

Tue, 01 Aug 2023 23:23:23 GMT

Very Mad or Very Bad?: Tormey Doubles Win Streak as Dunegan Fumes Over High Profile Trade

In this dog eat dog era of Poople, it’s arguably more important than ever to be able to keep your emotions in check, despite the fact that trade deadlines, playoff pushes, and bye week issues have many managers scrambling to put their best foot forward each week. Yet sometimes in the heat of battle, cooler heads fail to prevail, a situation on display in the aftermath of this highly anticipated rematch of last season’s Poople championship.

For Security Kamaras manager Hunter Tormey however, the result was different this time around as his squad secured their third victory of the season, and increased their playoff chances to 25%, the best odds of any team not currently in the playoff picture. Team namesake Alvin Kamara paved the road to victory with a 38.3 point explosion against the Las Vegas Raiders.

“I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have this one circled on the calendar.” Tormey said with a chuckle before turning his attention to the future of his team. “We haven’t made it easy on ourselves and it hasn’t been a great season so far, but damn it we’ve got a chance. Rent is due everyday and we’re doing our best to make sure it’s paid in full.”

On the other hand, Very Mad manager Sam Dunegan made one thing abundantly clear in his post game interview with Platooner sources: He’s very mad. When asked whether or not he still believes in his team’s chances of defending his title, Dunegan responded as follows:

“My official comment: I understand that my teams title defense is severely limited much like the Rams. This is a painful retooling year. More importantly, I am not over the lack of human decency amongst the owners.”

Dunegan’s comments come on the heels of a highly scrutinized trade that saw Cowboys running back Tony Pollard clean out his locker with the defending champions and join rival club Let’s Get Some Doubs.

For his part, Vikings receiver Adam Thielen, whom Dunegan acquired in the trade appeared confused at his manager’s response to his performance:

“I came in excited for a new opportunity to prove myself, and I was absolutely buzzin when I was selected to start in Sam’s flex this week! I scored 9.7 points, which is above average so far for me this season, but when I got back to the locker room I just saw Sam crying next to an empty locker. Hopefully I can continue to work hard and make an impact at the club!”

Only time will tell if Dunegan’s trade will pay off, but if anything about this fantasy season is true and can be relied upon its this: #SamIsMad.

Cooper Scooper: Browns Wideout Shines for Clines, as Mixon Leaves Sawyer Up Shit’s Creek

Moving on. Burning the tapes. Flushing the haters down the toilet. All of these expressions mean the same thing at the end of the day: they’re a recognition that sometimes it’s best to just forget past performances and move on to future battles. Unfortunately for Mixon a Kupp of Mostert manager Jake Sawyer, his team’s week 8 performance will go down as one to flush.

Sawyer’s unit entered Monday Night Football neck and neck with lanky competitor Stephen Clines and his It’s Okay I’m Just In Her Bert group, but in the end Browns wide receiver Amari Cooper (19.6 points) significantly outpaced Bengals running back Joe Mixon (9.4 points) to claim victory for Clines. Reflecting on his team’s week 8 performance, Sawyer stated:

“Very disappointed in the way my guys played this week. We just gotta do better. How do Mixon and Fournette account for a combined 50 yards? We’ll have to have a retreat or calming circle like the AdCOCK squad had to boost my teams spirit. Mr. Clines is one of the few managers that has beaten me not because of a fluke though so I respect him and his players. Playoff hunt begins now.”

While Sawyer’s loss didn’t deal serious damage to his playoff hopes, his odds did see a 10% dip from last week. He’ll look to rebound against Sam Dunegan and Very Mad next week.

Meanwhile Clines’ victory marks his third consecutive trip to the win column, a figure which represents the longest active win streak in the league. Aside from Cooper, Mike Evans (15.3 points) came to play this week, and backup QB Kirk Cousins tallied a team high 23.48 points in the win.

“Need my boys to keep grinding. We’re a scrappy team full of underdogs but with some determination and grit I think we can go all the way.” Clines remarked.

Critics of Clines team may point out that his roster has put forth the third fewest points for this season, but with a 5-3 record and an 84% chance to make the playoffs, Clines appears unbothered by the heckling. This level headed approach should serve Clines well as he shifts his focus to fellow playoff hopeful Pop Lockett Drop It in week 9.

Ravens Clawed: Evers and Co. Mauled By McCaffrey, Moore After Haunting Burrowween

Do you believe in jinxs? While most Poople managers would hardly say that a tough stretch of play causes them to “see ghosts” like Sam Darnold, it’s hard to deny when your actions as a manager seem to place some sort of hex on your players, causing them to fail to live up to expectations. For Three Eyed Ravens manager Coby Evers, such was the unfortunate case in a week 8 clash against the likes of Keaton Adcock and Keeping Up With the Jones.

For Evers, reserve players Chase Claypool (10.54 points) and Tyler Allgeier (16 points) filled in very capably for the injured Jamarr Chase and Clyde Edwards Helaire, who had a bye this week. In fact, Evers’ 121.82 total points on the week would have bested half the league, but in the end he came up short (no pun intended) against his PlatoonerBets intern Adcock.

Evers could not be reached for comment by Platooner sources in the aftermath of his defeat, the loss clearly taking an emotional toll on him as his team has gone a pedestrian 2-2 over the past month after starting the fantasy season 4-0. So despondent was Evers that Platooner sources say his own players had to foil an attempt by Evers to expose himself graphically to Adcock when he clocked in for work at PlatoonerBets:

“I went looking for Coby to see what sort of training he had planned for us today, but he wasn’t in his office as usual. I figured since he just got hired over at PlatoonerBets, he might be over there working, and so I took Rhamondre and went to go find him. When we opened the door Coby was fully naked on his desk, his meat unencumbered and free hanging. I can only assume it was meant for his intern.” says tight end Kyle Pitts.

For Adcock, the win comes at a crucial time, keeping his playoff hopes alive by defeating the top team in the league in a stunning upset. Running back Christian McCaffrey found his footing with the 49ers, tallying 3 total touchdowns and 36.26 fantasy points while receiver Rondale Moore went for 19.9 points, more than double his previous best effort on the season.

There can be little doubt that a big part of Adcock’s eyebrow raising win is due to the team building retreat he led players on last weekend. When asked to assess this weeks matchup, the crowd pleasing Adcock responded as only he can:

“We are proud to have snuck away with a win against such a formidable foe. I am curious to know what our Executive Chairman of Platooner Bets would have placed on those odds. Some spooky sauciness went down in that Monday night game, and not even Stella and Coby’s stellar tiger costumes could overcome Burroween’s Brown’s curse as he got buried alive. Hoping to build off this momentum and keep things rolling again next week!”

In order to “keep things rolling” next week, Adcock will have to be at his best against the likes of Mitchell Cantway and Sevin Dingleterry, an in form unit hungry for a victory.

Lets Get Some L’s?: Henry, Hopkins Put League on Notice as Pop Lockett Drop It Smokes Stone Pack

Poople Nation, he’s baaaaaaaaaack. After serving a six game suspension to begin the fantasy campaign, Cardinals pass catcher Deandre Hopkins made his presence felt in a big way in week 8, totaling 27.9 fantasy points and propelling Tosa Nehikhuere and his Pop Lockett Drop It squad to success against the wily veteran Matt Stone and his Lets Get Some Doubs troop.

While Hopkins spent the day terrorizing Stone’s lineup with big play after big play, the true horror didn’t come until running back Derrick Henry steamrolled Hopkins’ former team, the Houston Texans, to the tune of 35.3 fantasy points. Perhaps most impressively, Nehikhuere’s offensive tirade came without the services of star tight end Travis Kelce, and a poor performance from QB Josh Allen, at least by his lofty standards, (17.62 points).

Nehikhuere quoted the great Joel Embiid when asked about the fundamentals he’s been preaching to his unit all season that led them to success in week 8:

“Trust the process. That’s been our mantra from day 1, and it’s what’s gonna carry us to glory. Lockett Country let’s ride.”

On the other hand, you could possibly chalk up Stone’s loss to a poor performance from his team, but that may not be entirely fair, a point which Stone commented on when interviewed by the Platooner:

“You know, it was a tough week. We got a huge win in a trade and got the best RB this week, which might I add, was a surprise to me. I was hoping for one touchdown and he kept delivering. But really, the issue was the rest of the league played great. Last week, my score would’ve beat 6 players. In week 6, my score would’ve been second highest. This week, it’s lowest in the league. Just a dash of bad luck. And speaking of bad luck, I’ve got 5 players on bye this week, including all 3 of my starting RBs from week 8. So we’re not out of the woods yet.”

Upon further analysis of the league, Stone’s comments ring true, as for the first time in recorded league history all 10 managers posted triple figure score lines, a true testament to the dedication and tenacity of Poople’s elite crop of managers.

Though Stone may have lost the battle, he hopes to win the war in the end, and his newest soldier Tony Pollard contributed big time to that goal in week 8, posting a whopping 33.2 fantasy points despite the loss. Stone and company will hope to see more of the same from the hard charging running back on the other side of a week 9 bye. Meanwhile, looking to take advantage of Stone’s week 9 running back woes is Poople’s Social Media Savant, Kenny Turner.

Flexin on the Gram: Newly Minted Social Media Savant Ratios Cantway Thanks To Former Longhorn

The year is 2016, and you’re clad in burnt orange at DKR Memorial Stadium. The sweet smell of distant barbecues wafts through the picturesque Texas sunset while Old Smoky thunders with joy as the Longhorns punch the ball across the goal line for a touchdown. The ball carrier? Well it is very likely to be 2016 Doak Walker award winner D’onta Foreman, a criminally underrated runner in the long lore of Texas football history.

Fast forward to week 8 of the 2022 Poople campaign, and this same criminally underrated back is once again bringing joy to the heart of at least one Longhorn, his fantasy owner Kenny Turner. Without the services of number 2 overall pick Austin Ekeler, Turner was forced to rely on two unproven backs against a very focused Sevin Dingleterry team. Brian Robinson (2 points) disappointed. D’onta Foreman (31.8 fantasy points) didn’t.

Inspired by Foreman’s heroics, fellow Panther DJ Moore posted his best game of the season, a 24.5 point effort that strongly suggests that Moore and company do not miss the services of Baker Mayfield.

Thankful to pick up a close win over a good team, Turner had this to say about his week 8 performance:

“Wow! What a close fought battle, Tee Higgins really had my heart pumping in that Halloween fourth quarter! I’d like to thank the front office for making a move late last week that really put our team in a position to win. With the trade deadline looming, it’s nice to see that the front office sees what we see and is ready for a championship! Can’t give enough praise to DJ Moore and D’onta Foreman on some monster performances. On to the doubs, who will give us their best shot after a tough loss.”

On the other hand, Sevin Dingleterry manager Mitch Cantway was left asking for answers after posting over 128 points, in what turned out to be a losing effort. While Cantway declined to follow up with questions from Platooner sources, Cantway’s players painted a chaotic picture of the postgame locker room scenes.

“We came into the locker room pretty bummed about the loss, but noticed that Mitchell was just smiling in the center of the room. But not like a happy smile, like a creepy smile, the type that makes you feel like something bad is about it happen. He looked AJ Brown dead in the eyes and said “You’re next!” in like a deep freaky voice. We were all getting pretty nervous as he began to approach AJ, but we very relieved when Mitch said, “Next in line to get some Halloween candy that is! Kit Kat?” wide receiver Tee Higgins reported.

Whatever is going on in the Sevin Dingleterry locker room, be it Halloween haunts or a mere exchange of sweet treats, Cantway’s team is going to have to bring their hard hats to work next week against Keeping Up with Jones, with both teams desperate to keep their fantasy playoff hopes alive.

Platooner '22: Week 7 Recap

Tue, 01 Aug 2023 23:18:53 GMT

One Pump Chumps?: Dunegan’s D Fails to Outlast Her Bert, Clines

From relay races to cup stacking competitions, sometimes your goal in life is to finish fast. However, any good Poople manager knows that the worst possible time to finish quick is actually in the realm of fantasy football, as there is nothing more depressing than having your loss confirmed early in the matchup. Yet sadly for Give em that Bills D(ST) manager Sam Dunegan, that’s exactly what happened during this week’s highly anticipated matchup of sexual innuendo based clubs.

Heading into the week coming off a convincing win over Keeping Up with the Jones, Platooner sources say that Dunegan was “licking his chops” to play the likes of Clines and his It’s Okay I’m Just In Her Bert unit, who were just two weeks removed from a 50 point performance, while playing without the services of wide receiver Devonta Smith (11.4 ppg this season) and D’Andre Swift (17.6 ppg in limited action).

Nevertheless it was Clines who took care of business in week 7, reflecting on his team’s performance with the following statement:

“First off I would like to thank Kenneth Walker III. He has revived my season in a way that I didn’t think was possible. I just have to hope everyone keeps it up, that Shanahan actually uses Kittle as a receiver, and Herbert comes back to form. Then we can keep it rolling.”

As noted by Clines, the resurgence of Kenneth Walker III (28.8 points in week 7) has been critical for his team thus far, particularly in the absence of the aforementioned Swift. Only time will tell if the former Michigan State Spartan can maintain his fine form down the stretch.

For his part, Dunegan responded to questions about his team’s disappointing week 7 efforts with a combination of analysis, requests for recommendations, and taking a shot at league leader Coby Evers:

“The up and down nature of my sports weekend was tough to manage but I should have made smarter decisions at my RB2 and Flex position. I don’t know though the NFL is the least fun sports League I’m committed to. I’m committed to having fun to finish out the fantasy season. Let me know if anyone has any strong book or movie recommendations!! My work lets up in two weeks and I cannot wait to relax in the holidays. I will want to add a comment about how there should be a mid season award for worst qb takes: mine that Aaron Rodgers was good and Coby’s that Baker was good.”

For his sake, Dunegan may need someone to refer him to a fantasy management 101 book as this week 7 loss has shuffled him outside of the clubs currently in line to make the playoffs.

No Allen? No Problem!: Nehikhuere Pops Locks and Drops An L on Cantway, Sevin Dingleterry

If there’s one thing that any Poople managers love, it’s a fully available lineup of high level players at their disposal. But unfortunately, as injuries begin to mount and bye season rears its head, that can be increasingly difficult to obtain. The question then becomes: how do you adjust? Your ability to answer that question will often define your Poople season for better or for worse.

During this week 7 tilt, Pop Lockett Drop It manager Tosa Nehikhuere experienced this first hand, as star QB Josh Allen (QB1 this season) and dynamic running back Miles Sanders (13.7 ppg this season) both went on bye. Yet through grit, determination, and a next man up mentality, Nehikhuere was able to collect a week 7 win. The gaffer had this to say about his team’s achievement:

“It was much needed validation for our squad. We might not be first, but if you’re not first your last. Therefore, we have a 9-way tie for second meaning that we are definitely in the mix. Let’s ride.”

While Nehikhuere’s logic seems airtight, the fact is the opponents Mitchell Cantway and Sevin Dingleterry are now in fact tied for last place in the league, a truly unenviable designation. Cantway’s squad, also plagued by four critical players on bye this week, just couldn’t get the job done in the end as backups Chase Edmonds (1.7 points) and Devin Duvernay (5.2 points) struggled in the spotlight.

When asked if he regretted making the most controversial trade of the season with the likes of Mixon a Kupp of Mostert manager Jake Sawyer, Cantway simply responded: “never ragrits.”

However, perhaps Cantway’s most interesting take came in the form of an unsolicited comment on the Baker Mayfield debate currently ravaging the league:

“baker mayfield will be on an nfl roster in the year 2025” said Cantway.

Well there you have it folks, the question of the year! To answer it, all you really need to do is ask yourself one question, “Am I #TeamBaker” or #TeamFaker?”

It’s Lonely At The Top: Three Eyed Ravens Pick Comedy Show Ekelers Apart, Clinch Playoff Spot

A madman. A short king. A lightweight. Coby Evers has been called all these things at various times by many in his life, even some within the confines of this honorable league. Yet there is only one title Evers has his eyes on as his Three Eyed Ravens improved to a league best 6-1 on the season: Champion.

The diminutive manager claimed an impressive victory over the likes of Kenny Turner and his Comedy Show Ekelers in week 7, outpacing his golden headed foe by 53 points in the matchup. Spurred on by season best performances from signal caller Joe Burrow (39.24 points) and his star wide receiver Jamarr Chase (29 points) the prospect of Evers putting up over 143 points with the best fantasy receiver in football (Stefan Diggs, 21 ppg this season) on bye is a scary one.

“I’m not surprised at all. Even in the midst of some injuries my team remains strong and in the lead of the pack. We just have to keep consistent to reach our goal which is a championship. Horses have blinders on for a reason. We just have to keep our eyes focused in front of us and not worry about what’s happening around us in the league.” Evers said of his team’s performance.

In addition, according to the ESPN fantasy app, Evers became the first team to secure a playoff berth in an otherwise dastardly tight race to the top 6.

Meanwhile for Turner, the problem in week 7 was not only what Evers did right from a fantasy standpoint, but what he did wrong. While star running back Austin Ekeler (30.7 fantasy points) answered the bell for Turner, tried and true veterans Amon-Ra St. Brown (0.9 points) and Mark Andrew’s (0.4 points) sold on Turner, while running back James Robinson ended up being a healthy scratch due to his trade to the New York Jets.

Turner had this to say about his week 7 gaffes, while making sure to put a positive spin on the matchup going forward:

“Definitely not what we were looking for in terms of the result, and tough to lose a player in the first 4 plays of the game. But this loss comes down to coaching, and I did not show up this week. I left 60 points on the bench and those managerial decisions fall on me. I have no one to blame but myself. How do I pick myself up? Well it starts by winning every day before my week 8 matchup. I am gonna research and go to work and by the end of the week, we will be better for it. In the words of the great SpongeBob SquarePants “IM READY IM READY IM READY!” For week 8.”

Turner draws a potentially more favorable matchup in week 8, colliding with Mitch Cantway’s Sevin Dingleterry squad in a pivotal showdown.

Chicken Alfre-Dub: Tormey Leads Olave Garden Back to Win Column as Adcock Drops Third Straight

It ain’t over till it’s over. Such is the battle cry of every underdog imaginable, from Rocky Balboa, to Peter La Fleur of Average Joe’s dodgeball, and now to Olave Garden manager Hunter Tormey, who captured his first win since Poople’s inaugural week of the season with a victory over Keaton Adcock and Keeping Up with the Jones.

Overcome with emotion as Raiders running back Josh Jacobs barreled into the end zone for the third time in his matchup on route to a 35 point performance, the sweet scent of victory began to linger in the air for our editor in chief.

Tormey commented at length about his team’s struggles this season, and what a character defining win this could be going forward:

“Casual managers simply won’t understand the significance of this win. But the fans at home know. They know we are a significantly better club than our record reflects, and I’m buzzing to have proven that today. For a moment I began to doubt, to doubt whether or not I really am the best manager in this league. But I’m sure of that now, and will never again doubt my managerial capacity or the boys I go to battle with every week. Much like my beloved Toffees win against Crystal Palace last season to stave off relegation, a largely forgettable season has forged a moment of true brilliance.”

On the other side of the win column in this matchup, Keeping Up With the Jones manager Keaton Adcock suggested an unconventional approach to deal with the recent struggles of his lineup:

“We have a team retreat starting tonight. I think what we need is time to regroup and bond this team together. Every time I see this group of men, I feel confident in their capabilities. We just haven’t been in sync together firing on all cylinders at once. I think by us doing some trust falls, balance beams, campfire songs, and pillow fights we can bring the heart back into this team that will pound fresh blood through the veins and opponents into the ground.”

When asked about Adcock’s tactics, his players provided glowing responses. “The pillow fight was really a great idea by Keaton. We’ve all been working so hard to try and put together solid performances, that it was nice to just take a minute to be a silly goose with my teammates, you know?” Chargers receiver Mike Williams (18.1 points this week) said.

As far as pounding opponents into the ground, Adcock faces a tough task in that regard as his unit draws a matchup with the red hot Three Eyed Ravens in week 8.

Justice For Matt: Unlikely Hero Eno Benjamin Sinks Sawyer, Claims Vindication for Stone

Stop right now and picture a cause you believe in. Maybe it’s volunteering. Maybe it’s doing your civic duty at the ballot box. Maybe it’s just going to work and letting the light of Christ shine through you to others around you. Or maybe it’s Justice For Matt.

The final of these worthy causes came to fruition in a week 7 matchup between playoff hopefuls Let’s Get Some Doubs and Mixon a Kupp of Mostert, as the former narrowly defeated the latter behind an improbable performance from backup running back Eno Benjamin.

The former Arizona State Sun Devil racked up 21 fantasy points, and led the way to a Stone victory while Antonio Gibson (10.5ppg this season) found himself relegated to the bench, a move that proved to win Stone the matchup.

When asked whether he thought this victory truly achieved #JusticeForMatt, Stone responded as follows:

“Absolutely. I’m only sorry the players had to pay for the manager’s misdeeds. Three mid game injuries is hard, but I guess if you’re lacking scruples in one area (integrity), then you’re probably lacking in another (player safety).”

Stone’s comments on Sawyer’s roster hold up, as a contagious injury bug plagued the Mixon a Kupp of Mostert lineup all day. The so called Colossus of Collusion saw running back Breece Hall, and wide receivers Allen Lazard and DK Metcalf forced out of action prematurely due a variety of ailments, while star quarterback Patrick Mahomes sat most of the fourth quarter in a Chiefs blowout win.

Sawyer commented on these struggles and more when questioned by Platooner sources:

“Sad case of my opponent getting lucky. I know he’ll provide a response as if he was good but he won by 4 points when Breece hall tore his ACL, DK left in 1st quarter, and Lazard left game early with injury as well. Not to mention chiefs took Mahomey out in the 4th quarter. The Lord our God willed me to lose this game and I have to accept that. Even though my opponent is Garbo and still won’t make playoffs lululul.”

While Sawyer’s analysis of his own team might be spot on, the analytics disagree with his assessment of Stone’s playoff outlook, as the ESPN app currently projects Stone to make the playoffs easily with his 95% chance signifying the second best odds in the league.

Platooner'22: Week 2 Recap

Tue, 01 Aug 2023 23:18:51 GMT

Hurts, Doesn’t It?: Comedy Show Ekelers Deliver Punchline Behind Jalen Hurts’ Big Night

Growing up in humble Amarillo, Texas, I can vividly recall watching NFL games with my family after church. The most memorable by far were when my mom’s Chicago Bears played my dad’s team, the Green Bay Packers. Now it’s no secret that Aaron Rodgers, and the time Brett Favre have dominated the Bears over the years, but even as her beloved team trailed by two or three touchdowns late in the game, my mom would always say, “It’s not over until it’s over.”

If that phrase doesn’t capture the spirit of Comedy Show Ekelers manager Kenny Turner’s week two win, I don’t know what does. Down 20 to 30 points for most of the matchup, Turner’s grit, tenacity, and commitment to the fundamentals paid off in the form of a Jalen Hurts Monday night masterclass (33.02 points).

Turner was given pause to reflect on his monumental comeback, and had the following to say:

“In the immortal words of the great Kirk cousins, “YOU LIKE THAT!?” I need to say that I am very proud of my team’s performance. Anytime you leave a 35 point scorer on your bench(I’m sorry for my last minute doubt Amon, it won’t happen again), the nerves start to creep in. But when you have a fantasy star like Jalen on the team, you can always have faith. He gave us a chance and almost took it away with a late interception on Monday, but that’s the aggressive mentality that put us back in the game and I’m gonna ride with it. What a win, what a team, and what a fantasy league! Now it’s on to Pop Lockett.”

In comparison, A Gay and Brown Kupp manager Jake Sawyer fell to 0-2 on the season, a result that some across the league may feel is just in light of Sawyer’s recent controversies. And in fact it was these controversies, rather than the performance of his team, that Sawyer wanted to comment on at the end of the week.

While Sawyer and Mitchell Cantway of Sevin Dingleterry seem to have buried the #JusticeForMatt issue in the form of a blockbuster trade at the behest of Poople adjacent Jacob Narabal, Sawyer found himself embroiled in another scandal this week involving Sam Dunegan and his alleged “pay for play” scheme to take over the league.

Dunegan, who like fellow Longhorn Kevin Durant must have forgot to log into his burner account, appeared to offer to sell Cowboys wide receiver CeeDee Lamb for the sum of $15 US dollars to Sawyer.

Over the course of The Platooner’s thorough investigation, Sawyer had this to say about Dunegan’s alleged misconduct:

“Well it started out as an obvious joke. Little did I expect to receive a text from Sam within 45 seconds offering to sell me Ceedee. Sam literally just admitted it himself into the Poople text. Who’s surprised?”

Sawyer’s tantalizing allegations against Dunegan appear at first glance to be supported by evidence and credible. However, as always the Platooner will stop at nothing to bring the members of this league the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. For Dunegan’s side of this messy and confusing saga, feel free to head to the fifth and final story of the week.

Big Risks, Big Rewards: Nehikhuere Claims Owlgate Revenge as Sawyer Fumes Over Key Injury

Even in defeat, it’s important to still be able to reflect on the positives. League commissioner and Kupple of Rookies manager Jake Sawyer took that message to heart when asked about his team’s top performers this week.

“Kupp and Brown played out of their minds. Truly making up for the pathetic showing the rest of my team gave.” Sawyer said.

Cooper Kupp (25.3 points) and AJ Brown (20.5 points) very nearly did just that, but Sawyer’s unit ultimately fell short against Nehikhuere in this week 1 bout. Sawyer didn’t mince words when asked what went wrong.

“He (Keenan Allen) was on his way to a great game and got injured. How bad do you have to be to be a professional athlete and get injured? And yes I’m actually serious. Not that great of an athlete.”

Meanwhile Nehikhuere, who surprised many by being the first manager this season to draft a tight end and quarterback, commented on how his unconventional strategy worked in week 1.

“I would say to all the doubters and naysayers that they didn’t have the vision, and that’s okay. Not everyone can be the next Bill Belichick. I trusted the process and it’s paying off with interest.”

For their parts, Josh Allen (31.48 points) and Travis Kelce (22.1 points) looked every bit the players Nehikhuere banked on them to be, but he will need to get consistent play from the stars going forward to make noise in an incredibly deep Poople playoff picture.

False Prophets: Tormey’s Plea to Griddy Gods Falls on Deaf Ears as Stone Ascends in Standings

I’m sure all Poople managers are able to think back to the simpler time of when the song Where Are Ü Now? was sweeping the nation. Featuring great auditory effects and the ever so smooth tone of Justin Bieber, the song begs the question, “Where are you now when I need ya?” Such was the theme of the week for Griddy Gods manager Hunter Tormey.

A dreadful week 2 performance saw Tormey’s team score the fewest points in the league by nearly 20 points, as injuries to quarterback Dak Prescott, receivers Chris Godwin and Michael Gallup, running back JK Dobbins, and tight end Dalton Schultz cast a sinister shadow over Tormey’s prospects of success in week two.

“At the end of the day there’s no excuse.” Tormey said at his post game press conference. “We demand excellence at this franchise each and every week, and we failed to deliver. But I’ve been around this league long enough to know you can’t get too bogged down by one bad result, you have to adjust and move on. When things get shiddy we still Griddy.”

On the other hand, Lets Get Some Doubs manager Matt Stone improved to 2-0 on the season thanks to waiver wire addition Carson Wentz (27.78 points) and top running back Nick Chubb (30.8 points).

Stone credited his team’s improved performance, but is still looking for more from the second ranked unit in the league.

“You know, it was a much better performance this week than last but there are still some pretty glaring holes in our strategy. Last week we got lucky in playing a team that wasn’t ready, this week we were still middle of the pack in scoring. So it feels great to be sitting at 2-0, but we’ve got to do a lot more to stay at the top.” Stone commented.

However, sources tell the Platooner things may not be as good as they seem on the outside over at Let’s Get Some Doubs. When asked what led to the teams’s inspired week 2 performance, star wide receiver Deebo Samuel (12.2 points) made a startling claim.

“I’m really glad we won this week, because if we didn’t, Matt said he was going to spank us, on gang.” Samuel said.

A notorious disciplinarian, Stone’s unorthodox methods may be propelling him to the top of this league, but at what cost?

Take a Bow, New Boy!: Team Adcock Secures Inaugural Poople Win over Clines, Herbert

Some people in life will tell you there is a first time for everything. Those people would be wrong, according to Platooner sources the Queen of England never did see Minions the Rise of Gru, God rest her soul. Nevertheless, week 2 did present a “first” of sorts for Team Adcock manager Keaton Adcock, who claimed a proverbial Victory Royale for the first time in his career as a Poople manager.

Despite a week 1 loss, Adcock’s confidence throughout the week of preparation leading up to his week 2 performance was palpable, said newly acquired tight end Dallas Goedert (10.7 points in Team Adcock debut). “He’s always so positive, a great guy to be around and play for.” Goedert said.

When asked to describe what contributed to his success this week, Adcock was quick to turn the praise around on his new tight end, and highlighted key adjustments made throughout the week.

“Well it’s like we said last week, we knew the talent was there we just had to execute. A few adjustments were made this week picking up our ELITE tight end Goedert, who did in fact score over 10 fantasy points while leading the Eagles in receiving yards and was second for them in targets. We are going to celebrate this win and then get right back to it.” Adcock stated.

Yet as one manager revels in the glory of victory, another must wallow in the muck of defeat. On this particular occasion, that manager was Stephen Clines of Its Okay I’m Just In Her Bert. On the heels of a dominant week 1 win, Clines’ unit put up a respectable effort, only to fall short of the numbers posted by Adcock and Co.

When asked about what lead to his week two demise, Clines chalked it up to a need for a fresh strategy, and expressed displeasure with the NFL League Office.

“It was a tough loss, and I’m already ready to abandon my “hope one of my players gets injured” strategy. Hopefully I can get my boys Pittman and Kittle back and we can get back on track. I’m a little disappointed with the league office for suspending mike Thomas simply for being a good teammate, but I’m hoping my stacked WR took can cover for him.”

Led by Justin Herbert and Najee Harris, Clines will look to get back on track in week 3 against Hunter Tormey and the Griddy Gods.

Diggs-ing for Gold: Star Wideout’s Heroics Propel Evers to Victory as Cantway Tumbles to 0-2.

Over the years, it has been verified that the managers of Poople prefer to watch football in different ways. Some enjoy sitting on the couch with a hot plate of Wok N Express. Others may prefer to be in the stadium itself, feeling the roar of the crowd in person. And who could say no to football and a cold Lone Star?

Regardless of how you watch football, the entire league watched Stefon Diggs prove that he is in fact him with a legendary Monday Night football performance (38.8 points) that carried Three Eyed Ravens manager Coby Evers to a striking come from behind victory.

Riding high on the sweet scent of victory, a sensation that Evers has experienced both weeks of Poople’s 8th season, Evers had these to say about his talented team:

“I’ll echo my sentiments from last week about how I’m not surprised at all that we won. I would be surprised if we lose anytime soon. When I can have 3 of my starters score single digits and still win comfortably, that’s when you know this team is absolutely built for a championship run. I might need to improve in the tight end role and have to make right decisions for my flex but if I put my team in the place to succeed I have no doubt the trophy will be back in my greedy hands.”

When asked if he feels mounting pressure as the top team in the league through two weeks, Evers channeling his inner Baker Mayfield, was clear in his response: “If the league wants to make me the villain this year, I’ll happily take that role!”

On the flip side, Sevin Dingleterry’s disappointing start to the season continued in week 2, as Mitch Cantway’s squad came up short against Evers, which is ironic considering how short Coby is.

At the time, Cantway seemed to indicate that big changes were coming for the franchise heading into week three, changes that ultimately came in the form of an olive branch trade deal with A Gay and Brown Kupp:

“Sources are reporting tension between the front office and the locker room as frustration with the weak performances by so-called star players grows. Heading into Monday, the week’s matchup was well in hand with DK Metcalf and Dalvin Cook still to play and a lead of over ten points. But as the night progressed, Metcalf and Cook both failed to break six points, and when the dust cleared the Fighting Dingles lost by a margin of almost 20. Management seems to be gearing up for major changes heading in to week two, with sharks circling to take advantage of the fire sale.” Cantway stated.

The deal, an 8 player agreement, sends Patrick Mahomes, DK Metcalf, Joe Mixon, and Jamaal Williams to Sawyer, while Cantway is set to collect Lamar Jackson, AJ Brown, Dameon Pierce, and former Longhorn Devin Duvernay. The trade is still pending league wide approval at the time of this publication.

Who Got That Good D?: Bills D/ST Dicks Down Nehikhuere as Henry Struggles

The answer? Defending Poople champion Sam Dunegan, whose Bills D/ST (22 points) absolutely took the Tennessee Titans behind the woodshed in a Monday Night massacre. Star wide receiver Tyreek Hill also added 36.5 fantasy points to Dunegan’s cause, slamming the door shut on Nehikhuere’s chances at a 2-0 start.

Professional as always, Nehikhuere kept it short and sweet in discussing what went wrong out there in week 2.

“At the end of the day, both of our teams underperformed and mine came out on the short end of the stick. Gonna give the squad a pep talk, brush the dirt off their shoulders, and get ready for the next one. Trust the process.”

While Nehikhuere was quick to take the blame for his team’s loss, sources say locker room tension might be a factor.

Quarterback Josh Allen (29.68 points), who has a history of fighting his teammates in practice didn’t mince words in assessing the week 2 struggles. “Derrick’s gotta be better man. Y’all seen what Jaylen (Waddle) and I did right? Come on bruh.”

Henry, Nehikhuere’s first round pick, has yet to top 8.5 fantasy points on the young season, though the talent is undeniably there for bigger production in the future.

This brings us to Give Her That Bills D/ST, an organization currently embattled in a scandal rivaling that of Owlgate. When asked about his team’s week two performance, Dunegan wasted no time in discarding the subject entirely, instead focusing his attention on rival manager Jake Sawyer.

When confronted with allegations of pay for play tactics, Dunegan responded, “Absolutely not, I thought I was just joking around with a friend then after I sent my text I immediately realized that he was corrupt and serious and wanted to absolve myself for talking to him.”

Though Sawyer made it clear to Platooner sources that he was willing to stake his entire reputation upon the truth of his allegations, Dunegan countered with a similar promise:

“I’d stake my equal reputation on this as well. I admit that I was joking and realized I shouldn’t have been with such a serious topic.”

Taking it one step further, Dunegan went so far as to suggest that Sawyer, who was widely criticized on draft day for making decisions implicating certain racial undertones, harbors animus towards him on that basis, saying, “I’d go far out and say that Jake has it out for Hispanics as evidenced by his treatment of me. If Jake is stating his reputation against a joke I made, I’m not holding back.”

As all can see, this situation is fraught with deception and intrigue no matter how you view it. The only question is, are you #TeamJake or #TeamSam?

Platooner '22: Week 1 Recap

Wed, 12 Jul 2023 21:13:40 GMT

Not So Warm Welcome: Stone Spoils Adcock’s Poople Debut

As we all know, in this highly esteemed league mangers will truly take any wins they can get. But there is a difference between winning and looking good while doing it, which Let’s Get Some Doubs manager Matt Stone commented on when asked to assess his team’s week 1 performance.

“You know, we had most of our players at projection for this week and a couple over performers who will get a chance to shine this week, but the real problem for this team came at the QB and RB1 positions. You never want your problems in those spots, so we’re gunna address it in the locker room where we can and potentially look outside the locker room where we need to. We gotta have play makers at those spots.” Stone remarked.

Backed by four non-QB double digit scorers, Stone’s depth at running back and sneaky Zach Ertz play (10.4 points) proved too much for Team Adcock, despite the efforts of number 3 pick Christian McCaffrey (13.7 points).

On the flip side, Poople newcomer Keaton Adcock expressed confidence in his squad despite the underwhelming season opener.

“Listen did we come up short? Yes. Am I worried? Absolutely not.” Adcock stated. “It’s a long season and we’re prepared to fight each and every week to hold that trophy up come season end.”

A fan favorite despite his absence at the 2022 Poople Fantasy Draft, Adcock and his club will look to get on track next week and secure him his first win as a Platooner.

Big Risks, Big Rewards: Nehikhuere Claims Owlgate Revenge as Sawyer Fumes Over Key Injury

“Kupp and Brown played out of their minds. Truly making up for the pathetic showing the rest of my team gave.” Sawyer said.

Meanwhile Nehikhuere, who surprised many by being the first manager this season to draft a tight end and quarterback, commented on how his unconventional strategy worked in week 1.

Griddy Up: Jefferson Carries Tormey to Win over Cantway and Co.

Stick around this league long enough, and you will experience chaos and heartbreak. It’s not an if, it’s a when. Perhaps no manager has learned that lesson more over the past few seasons than Griddy Gods manager Hunter Tormey. Shockingly bad efforts from signal caller Dak Prescott (4.46 points) and top running back Cam Akers (0 points on 3 carries), left Tormey’s group in big time jeopardy of falling short in their season opener, yet the team was ultimately able to rally and stave off Mitch Cantway’s Sevin Dingleterry squad in week 1.

“Cam Akers broke my heart this week.” an emotional Tormey commented. “But you know that’s part of the game. Since joining this league I’ve tried to instill a next man up mentality in my players, and it paid off today.”

Luckily for Tormey, there was plenty of griddying to go around for wide receiver Justin Jefferson (34.9 points) who finished week 1 as the top scorer at the position, giving an otherwise depleted roster a much needed lift.

On the other hand, Sevin Dingleterry gaffer Mitchell Cantway’s assessment of his team’s performance had less to do with the poor play of star wideout DK Metcalf (5.1 points), and more to do with an alleged league wide conspiracy that will surely cast its fingerprints all over Poople’s landmark 8th season.

“Ultimately, the reason for me losing was that Jake Sawyer blatantly, obviously, and maliciously interfered with the draft order, and no loss by me, no matter how embarrassing, no matter many points I left on my bench, regardless of the fact that I did not pay attention to any of the games or my lineup for the week, should distract us from the gross injustice of one Jacob Sawyer on August 27, 2022 #JusticeForMatt.”

Cantway’s criticisms of Sawyer’s well publicized chicanery are the first to surface so far during this season’s post draft campaign, but will likely not be the last. At the end of the day one question remains: will we see #JusticeforMatt?

Funny B usiness: Clines Gets Last Laugh On Comedy Show Ekelers

Life comes at you fast as a Poople Pigskin Platoon manager, as Comedy Show Ekelers manager Kenny Turner discovered firsthand after running into a DeAndre Swift (25 points) and Michael Pittman Jr. (22.6 points) led buzzsaw assembled by Its Okay I’m Just In Her Bert manager Stephen Clines.

Turner’s troops were able to muster just two touchdowns in their debut performance of the season, a stat that would have most managers worried. But not Turner.

“The real story of week 1 was Elijah Mitchell (4.1 points) going down in the second quarter, which really just put me on a bad trajectory for the week.” Turner responded.

When asked about his receivers failing to pick up the slack, Turner expressed displeasure with his current wide outs and voiced optimism about finding a trade partner down the line to bolster his pass catching group.

“As we know, my receivers are bad, they’re just bad. They have bad people throwing them the ball, and they’re also bad. I’ll definitely need help at the position. So when James Robinson (19.4 points) keeps going off, if you need a running back and you’ve got a receiver? Go ahead and send me a trade.”

But to the victor goes the spoils they say, and in this case the victor was Clines, whose team boasted a league high five starting players to score more than 12.9 points on the week. When asked about his early season success, Clines infused humor into an otherwise cryptic message.

“Well I was projected to lose, especially after Kittle got hurt. My replacement didn’t do any better but I still won. So I guess I hope every week I’m projected to lose and one of my starters goes down.”

More starting players for Clines picking up injuries might be exactly what the rest of the league needs, as he has definitely put the league on notice with a solid week 1 victory.

Worst to First: Three Eyed Ravens Ravage Reigning Champs

Heavy is the head that wears the crown. Give Em That Bills D /(ST) manager Sam Dunegan’s title defense got off to a less than stellar start as the reigning champion suffered a 45 point loss at the hands of Coby Evers and the Three Eyed Ravens. Dunegan, who made waves by drafting his team’s namesake in the 6th round of the 2022 Poople Draft, was asked if he had any second thoughts about the pick after the week 1 drubbing.

“No pick taken in the 7th round performed better than the Bills D other than my own pick. You might need to fact check that though.” Dunegan said.

While it may be easy to chalk this battle up to a championship hangover, the fact is Evers had his guys ready to play, and consistently outpaced his old foe throughout the matchup.

Led by polarizing running back Saquon Barkley (30.4 points), Evers saw 4 players hit the 21 point mark in week 1 in a solid top to bottom team performance. Evers was particularly pleased with what he saw from third year running back Clyde Edwards-Helaire saying, “I have the steal of the draft even though Matt said I had no running backs.”

When asked about his talented quarterback’s week 1 struggles, Evers was quick to defend the former LSU standout.

“When it comes to Joe, I’m not worried about him one bit. For him to score 18 points while having 5 turnovers actually makes me feel super good about him.”

Characteristically high on his team, Evers made sure to relish this statement win, declaring, “I really will be surprised if I lose anytime soon. I am excited for the year but not satisfied until we get that trophy again. Like the great Mamba once said, “Job’s not finished”.”